A very Modern Christmas Story

T'was the night before Christmas, and on his Pole top
The Guru was thinking. He thought quite a lot
"I wonder,' said he, 'why is it that we must
Tell lies to our children come every Christmas?
For every December we tell girls and boys
That Santa is coming to bring them new toys
But tis not Santa who brings them, tis my Wife and I
So what is the reason we tell them this lie?
If it's to make sure they're not Naughty, but Nice
Why so small of a bribe for so high a price?

"For the fact is, no matter how naughty they tend
Each Christmas we go out and gleefully spend
With our credit cards armed we spoil them rotten
On toys that, come New Years, will all be forgotten.
And each Christmas day, we watch them with pride
As they unwrap their presents, then throw them aside
'I wanted the pink one, not that one in cream!'
And they fall down, and thump things, and then start to scream.
And if, as so rarely, with their toys they are happy
Do you think they thank us? Their mummies and daddies?
No! Not at all! They thank the fat guy in red
He gets the praise. We go bankrupt instead!"

The Guru, while balancing, he thought long and deep
Of his sweet little angel, in bed fast asleep
No doubt she was dreaming of jingling bells
And reindeers, and Santa, and presents as well
'Wait a Minute!' said the Guru, 'By the great Zeus, I've got it!'
And placing his hand in his back trouser pocket,
He pulled out a bill that was several sheets thick
And cried out, "I'll forward this onto Saint Nick!
I do the hard work, yet my thanks he steals
So this year, he's paying. I'll send him the Bill!"

He jumped down his pole. To the study did flee
Stuffed the bill in a envelope, "To Santa, Love me!
Merry Christmas to you, you great big fat Liar"
And, taking the letter, he threw it on the fire
It burnt in an instant. The smoke flew up the flue
And wafted to the north pole, to Santa's Igloo
The guru he smiled, He'd never felt so much glee
Cos now Santa was paying this Christmas was free.

The season passed quickly. The toys quickly broke
But the Guru cared not for he billed the fat Bloke
Come New Year and Valentines more money he spent
And all of his bills straight to Santa he sent
A new sofa, new television, a new Laptop too
A book on meditation. (Well, he was a guru...)
The charges on his credit card they grew ever higher.
The red reminders, and summons he burnt on the fire.
'Santa,' thought the Guru, 'is so much in arrears
Why the little red thief, he should pay for all year!'
And so the Guru kept spending, and he laughed on his way
For the bill was on Santa. Father Christmas would pay.

T'was the night before Christmas, and on his pole top
The guru was hiding, he hid quite a lot
They bailiffs they came and they knocked on the door
They'd taken the presents and come back for more
His TV, his Sofa, his Laptop, all gone
And his wife had left home and moved it with her mum
Someone called up from the ground down below
T'was a policeman who stood knee deep in the snow
"Seasons Greetings Mr Guru!' the policeman, he said
"I've come to arrest you, you're in too much debt."

He slapped on the cuffs, the guru fell to the floor.
And with a heartbreaking scream cried "Santa you Whore!
Every year on this planet I've brought gifts in your name
Just for one year couldn't you do the same?"
To the car the cop pushed him. On the back seat he fell
Then on the edge of his hearing - could that be sleigh bells?
He moved to the window. Pressed his nose to the glass.
And there stood St Nicholas who let out a laugh!

"Christmas is not in the money you spend,
But in the love and the laughter you share with your friends!
Not at my whim did those presents you buy
No, that was your choice, you made up that lie!`
The car engine started. He'd spend Christmas in a cell.
There'd be no Christmas cheer there. That much he could tell.
And Santa exclaimed, ere the car pulled away.
'Christmas spirit is free! If you want Presents, you Pay.'

And the Moral of this tale? The one Christmas rule?
For a very happy Christmas, just spend bugger all!

Merry Christmas to you all, From the Freelance Guru

Marcus

Keep 'em laughing this Christmas with Humor Blogs

All I want for Christmas is your questions

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• Life Wisdom - in 400 Words or Less
• Is Life a Race?
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Life Wisdom - in 400 Words or Less

There are times when my Pilgrims surprise me, and actually ask questions that I want to answer. This is very nearly one of them

Dear Guru

What wisdom would you wish to impart to your relatives? What is the one thing you want to tell them about the life you lived?

Canucklehead

Dear Pilgrim,

I've thought long and hard about this question. The answer didn't come easily. You asked me this question about half a year ago and it's taken me until now to finally be bothered enough to answer it.

My difficulties stemmed from one minor point - who in my family was I leaving wisdom to?; I would leave very different wisdom to my wife than my little girl. However as the wisdom I'd leave my wife involves Lincoln's Gold, I'll write about the advice to my daughter instead.

The wisdom I'd impart to my girl, and that I already try to impart to her every day, is this - 'ask Questions'. If you believe something, question the reasons you do. If you want to learn something, question an expert. Before you accept anything as true, Question it.

If my daughter were to read in the paper that her father is a pole-balancing lunatic, I would want her to question the journalists authority, and check the article wasn't written by my next door neighbour before accepting it as valid. There are many things that seem to be real until you study them closely (homeopathy, Acupuncture, George Bush's hair...etc) and it's easy to be fooled if you don't get more information.

As for the one thing I would share about my life, how long of one thing can it be? I understand the average pilgrim may be able to settle on just one thing, but I've accomplished a lot in one lifetime: becoming enlightened, giving life changing advice, managing to set up my wireless network, etc... But if I had to pick one, I would tell her that I 'Found Answers'. When people came with questions, I consulted the infinite, or sometimes Google, until an answer became clear.

As such, I gave myself to the needs of others.

There are those, mostly my wife, who would argue with this assessment of my life, but, as a guru, you need to prioritise. And personally I think the questions of a Canadian I've never met are far more important than cleaning out the Garage for our Christmas Party.

Hope this helps

Marcus

Give me another thing to share about my life. Vote for me at Humor Blogs

Questions are my bread and my butter. Ask Your Questions and help keep food on my pole top

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• Is Life a Race?
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Is Life a Race?

Xander, who is rapidly becoming my biggest fan, has written in with this question. I've never seen anyone who so needs my help.

Dear Guru

Is Life a race?

Xander101

To answer this question we must first consider what a race is.

To clarify:
A race is a sporting event, often done for fun, in which any number of people, starting at the same place and point in time attempt to run the same distance in the quickest possible time.

If this is accurate (and it is, it came from me) then life can only be defined as a race if it fits this definition. If A=C and B=C then A=B, not that that relates to the question, I just think it's neat.

If life were a race then everyone would be born at precisely the same time with exactly the same Financial status, political views, social class and general intelligence as everyone else. And we would all be desperately, and joyfully, trying to die before anyone else does

While I can see certain places in the world where this philosophy may come in useful, Essex for example, it does not seem to be the status Quo, and we must conclude that the null hypothesis is the correct one.

Life is not a race.

I tend to think of life as a slow, intense, wrestling match, something like Foxy Boxing - no matter how hard you fight to win, every one ends up dirty

Marcus

On your Marks, get Set, and Go rate me at Humor Blogs

Ask me your questions and you might just get ahead

Recent posts
• The Miraculous Demise of my Boiler
• The Curse Of QVC
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The Miraculous Demise of my Boiler

This morning I experienced a miracle

My boiler had broken the night before. Instead of a roaring flame of heat, it provided a little red light.

Being the solutions man I am, I had an idea. According to the laws of thermodynamics electrical work produces heat - if we gathered around the red light we could warm ourselves from it's glow. My wife went to bed -- obviously she doesn't have much faith in the laws of physics -- but as it would be our first 'early night' in a long time I jumped at the chance. Or, to be accurate, I shivered at the chance and followed her to the bedroom.

Unfortunately her intentions were somewhat different to mine. Keeping all her clothes on, she lay under the Duvet and muttered that 'I couldn't even keep my family warm', as if it was my fault the boiler had broken. I pointed out that she hadn't reminded me to get it serviced, but that just seemed to make things worse. She rolled angrily away, taking most of the duvet with her and left me shivering on my own. I curled into the fetal position, and burying my head in my knees, I started to pray.

Now, I'm not religious; I gave religion up when I realised Jehovah was just a hammer-less version of Thor. But that night, lying in my bed, shivering like a vibrating toothbrush, I prayed for that it might not be so cold in the morning. 'For God's sake,' I said, 'let the bloody boiler be working tomorrow.'

As soon as it was said I realised how daft it was. "My God" is but one of a thousand. Who's to say that the Muslims aren't right, or the Hindus, or the small sect of Savages that worship Magic Wooden Aeroplanes? What if I was praying to a God that wasn't the real one. I tried again.

'Dear Jehovah, Allah, Buddha, Zeus, Thor, Vishnu and all his friends. Dear Hallowed Flying Spaghetti Monster, Ra, Great and Divine Goddess, the holy and almighty Lucifer, and all the Gods with names I can't pronounce. Dear Mother Nature, Dear Holy Spirit, Dear Gia, Dear Blessed Virgin Mary and the saints, Dear Obi Wan,

I beseech thee.Rescue me from these cold, dark times. Please, If any of you exist, make my boiler work in the morning.

Yours in anticipation. Marcus.'

The next morning, after dreaming all night that my underpants were made out of ice cubes, I launched myself into the arctic conditions of my front room and flicked on the boiler.

And that was when the miracle occurred.

The boiler still didn't work.

I had prayed to every god, spirit, and force in existence and not a single one of them had answered my prayer. The odd's of being ignored by that many deities must be thousands to one, an occurrence so unlikely it could only have been caused by some supernatural being that wished me to remain an Atheist. I gave a short prayer of thanks to Richard Dawkins, then telephoned a plumber. After all, Gods help those who help themselves.

But now as I sit here and wait for the plumber to arrive (between the hours of 8-6, some point before Summer) I realise there are in fact, 2 rather simple ways to explain away my miracle. Either there is no such thing as 'God' in any form. Or every god in existence wants me to be cold.

Either way you look at, it's a chilling thought.

Marcus

Hot and Cold Humour can be found at Humor Blogs

The Guru Has all the Answers

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Quite Valuable Crap

I love each and every one of my Pilgrims, but sometimes I do worry about what they get up to in their free time.

Dear Guru,

The other day my boyfriend and I were flicking between channels when we found one selling cheap, chintzy jewellery at the incredibly low price of £49.99. An hour later we were still watching.

What is this magical effect that Sales TV possesses? Please help, my credit card can't take much more.

Xander101

I don't watch much TV but my Little Girl is obsessed with it; every Saturday morning we have to watch Spongebob Squarepants and anything with pants that square can not be a good role model for our children.

My wife, on the other hand, likes the soap-operas; her 'only escape from a dreary life.' I pointed out that if her life were a soap opera it would be nothing but Lust, violence, and Murder. She responded thant whenever she looks at me she like one of each. Sometimes that women is beyond me.

'Sales TV' itself isn't watched in our house. I blocked it when I received credit card charges from 'Entertainment Enterprises.' These turned out to be charges from a web-site my wife doesn't know about, but I kept the bar on anyway. Prevention is better than debt. To research this post however I was forced to remove it. It's a mistake I wont be making again.

Sales TV is magic. It makes you suspend belief. You know a Rolex watch shouldn't be that cheap, you know there must be some hideous catch, you know it will turn your arm green within half a day, but you want to believe.

The format is hypnotic, the shots short, quick, shiny. A close up, a mid-shot, a wide shot next to a close up. It makes you feel dizzy. It dazzles you with bright colours; jewellery so sparkly even thinking about wearing it could get you mugged. The presenters talk rhythmically, repeating words over, and over again. Your Pulse quickens. Your body tenses. You can't possibly change channel. The next item might just be the one you've been waiting your whole life for. Demand is high. Those diamonte encrusted rubber gloves will all be gone soon. You have to call now.

I put the bar back on the shopping channel. What with the complete collection of nodding biblical figures now crowding up the top of my pole, I won't need any more 'bargains' for some time.

Whatever is that Sales TV does, it's very, very good at it.

Marcus

All your useless bling can be found at Humour Blogs

Give me your questions! They will keep away from the TV for a while,

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2,000 words a day is enough words for anyone

So by now you probably think I'm ignoring you, that I decided to end my Guru ways and take up a 9-5 job like the rest of you ignorant pilgrims. I did consider it. It thought about going into the private guru business and ignoring the poor-paying, unwashed public sector of the pilgrim market, but as most private sector workers are already in counselling the competition was too high. Besides, I can write whatever I like here, and no-one cares, as no-one actually reads this blog. (To prove it. I'll write the word 'balls' right here and see if anyone even bothers to complain.)

The main reason I've been away for the last month is NaNoWriMo (or National Novel Writing Month for short.) During the month of November, thousands of people around the world attempt to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days in a crazy, and largely pointless endeavour. I think people less enlightened than me do it to say they achieved something with their life, even if that something is a 50,000 word ramble about how fed the author is with writing. I did it just to get away from my wife.

My story was, of course, perfect, and will be coming out in a bookstore near you just as soon as I get a ghost writer to re-write the whole thing. While most participants wrote about Vampires or spaceships, (or vampires in spaceships) I wrote about my childhood, but as I wrote about a happy, joyful childhood, full of fun and laughter it was largely a fictional work and thus didn't break the Rules.

Either way, after spending a month writing 2,000 words a day I feel I can comfortably spend a bit more time updating this blog, especially as I need something to pass the time in-between bouts of enlightenment. And so I'm coming back to you with my finger-tips blazing, my humour burning, and my incredibly wise head weighing me down with all the wisdom and knowledge it has to share with you, such as 'Why is it so much fun to watch sales TV?' and 'What should you consider before taking media Studies?'

Watch this space :- You're about to be rocked by Knowledge.

Marcus

It's not as clever, but it's probably more funny. Check out Humor Blogs

That question no-one has ever answered will be answered here

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Does a bear sh*t in it's sleep?

As my fame spreads and my life becomes more hectic, a reader has written to try and grab my attention...

Dear Guru
Animals in hibernation - do they get up to go to the loo or not? If not, how is that possible?

PS: you haven't written in a while had to ask something :)

Dear Pilgrim

Hibernation, like Sex, is something that everyone does differently. If you put a squirrel and a Black bear in the same bed, not only would there be a fight for the Duvet, they'd keep each other awake all winter. And, as in sex, if the bear ends up on top, things just gets messy.

Hibernation is evolution at it's finest. Rather than tackle winter head on, like an ignorant human being, hibernating animals say, 'screw that', or would if they could talk, and sleep through winter instead. If humans could do this not only could we could save a fortune in insulation and clothing, we'd never have had to invent 'Winter Sports'.

To answer your question, smaller mammals, such as squirrels and shrews do go to loo during hibernation. They enter an extreme state of relaxation, dropping their body temperature to as low as -2°C. However, they can't survive this way for too long, and so, like an elderly man, or a horny teenage boy, find themselves getting up several times a night. Every few days, small mammels come out of hibernation to eat, excrete and watch TV, and any naturalist who stumbles into their burrow tends to find the rodents have fallen asleep whilst watching re-runs of Miss Marple.

Bears, however, do things differently. Before they go into hibernation they swallow pine cones, hair and bucket loads of stool hardeners, all of which work together to form a makeshift butt Plug. With this cork in place the bear curls up to sleep, slowing it's metabolism and dropping its body temperature by around 10 ° C. This allows it to sleep for up to 7 months without needing to defecate, urinate, or fight over the bedsheets. Often, it spends all winter in one position, living off it's own fat and muscle until springtime

To summarize; at least in the wintertime, bears do not Sh*t in the woods. By eating nothing and corking their colon, they spend the season in a constant state of constipation.

You can just imagine the queue for the toilets come spring.

Hope this helps

Marcus

This blog relies on your questions. Ask the Guru today!

Previous Pilgrims Ponderings
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Astrologers Vs Skeptics - The Guru Decides

The Friendly Atheist is struggling to be friendly recently, over an ongoing debate with Astrologer Beth Turnage, who wrote a full review on the astrological reasons that David Foster Williams killed himself.

Now, as my Pilgrims know, I don't like a fight unless I'm involved in it, so I e-mailed Beth with a challenge.

I've been following your skeptic debate and would like to offer you a chance to prove your case. It would be very easy to silence the skeptics. In fact I can think of 2 ways for you to do it right now.

1) Successfully predict something.
If you can show that astrology actually can tell the future with a better than chance outcome than not only will the skeptics stop criticizing you but the scientific movement will be desperate to know you!

2) Do an accurate personality profile
Construct a personality profile for me which I can open up to honest review. If there are more hits than misses than possible by chance then people will have to agree this deserves a closer look.

It’s clear that you believe astrology is getting a bad rap from these people, and also clear that you strongly believe in it.
It would by very easy to prove it to the doubters.

Beth, keen for the challenge, posted her reply a few days after my E-mail. Nothing like the scientific method to rouse people into action it seems!

Firstly, in response to my challenge to predict something successfully she wrote

Successfully predict something? Already have and very publicly at that in these pieces:

• November 8, 2007 Angelina Pregnant, You Heard It Here First
• January 24, 2008 John McCain: Presumptive Front Runner?
• January 29, 2008 Superbowl Sunday–Who is Likely to Win?

Unfortunately, as I didn't say, "show me a time when you listened to rumor and claimed it as truth," this doesn't really answer my question. What I asked for was for a future prediction, instead she gave me 3 articles, that just happened to have turned out correct, out of the 100's on her site.

"I do have more hits than misses," she writes. Well, so do I, mostly because my wife yells at me when I make the seat wet. The difference between you and me is that every time I miss I keep a record of it (or rather my wife does and uses it against me at a later date). Where is your record? Show me your ratio of hits vs misses. This would be very easy to do, and very compelling evidence!

However, showing me an 'prediction' for Superbowl Sunday that sounds like every other Bookies prediction doesn't prove your point, even if you do mention a 'T-square configuration.' Personally, I thought you only got them on English Motorways

Finally on this point, we don't know if these articles have been edited since first release. Blogs are constantly updated, and old posts corrected, hence why I asked for a new prediction. This should be quite easy for an expert like you. Even I can do it I predict you will say that this post is closed-minded rubbish..

However, I'm not closed minded, I just seek evidence that can stand up to scrutiny. When you have a 6 year old child in the house you learn to question everything, like how the bathroom sink managed to overflow all on it's own, and all I'm doing is applying the same method to the claims you make.

In response to my second request, my personal profile, Beth writes

Do a successful personality profile? Well yes, I done that too. But doing yours I’m afraid wouldn’t silence the skeptics because they will tell you that you and your family will be subject to all sorts of the ‘manipulative techniques’ that us astrologers have in our bag of tricks.

Shame, I was hoping for a free Natal chart...

Fortunately, I have printed a personality analysis of the D. C. Madam, Deborah Jean Palfry, which was done without speaking or knowing about her in this piece:
D. C. Madam Suicide and Astrology: Was Death Written in the Stars?

See, here's the thing. I don't really speak, or know Sarah Palin, but if she was to commit suicide tomorrow (here's hoping) I'm pretty sure I could make a fair assessment of her character and personality. People who are always in the news tend to sink into our consciousness whether we like it or not. It's also somewhat hard to believe that Beth knew nothing about Deborah when her astrological Profile contains quotes from Deborah's Family.

So, despite this compelling evidence, I remain unconvinced. It's not that I doubt Beth truly believes, I just don't think this evidence backs up her claim. Most of my pilgrims believe in something stupid, like Ghosts, Psychics or Jesus Christ, and none of their beliefs ever hold up to testing. Beth, I'm afraid, will not be treated any differently, no matter how many times she uses the word Uranus in her posts.

But what do you think? Has Beth actually proven her case? Am I being too Harsh? Has she managed to outsmart the Freelance Guru?

Comment and let me know.

Marcus

Other Skeptical Posts

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Seven Ways to Locate your Lover

September. The summer holidays are over and as the traffic begins to multiply exponentially, one reader has asked me a question about her 'back to school' experience.

Dear Guru

Will I get a boyfriend at High School

Issy

Dear Pilgrim.

I am not fond of Divination. For one thing, peering into the future involves dabbling with things mankind is not meant to know, and for another, it's a complete load of rubbish. However, with such a future based question, I had no choice but to consult the Oracles of my youth. And as the answer Playboy gave me didn't seem appropriate, I turned to the I-Ching instead.

Wu-Wang
Under heaven is the thunder
People mix in innocence without any Problem
The ancient kings accordingly fed the innumerable orphans with harvest of the season.

As far as I can tell, this means that by embracing your innocence you will lose it when a man called Oldking feeds his seed to you. Eastern mysticism is so very beautiful.

While I somewhat doubt the accuracy of this reading, there are some things you can do to increase your chances of finding love this year.

1. Get a boyfriend.
   Any one will do. According to Murphy's law people only start to show interest in you when you are unavailable. Take yourself off the market and demand for you will rise.
   
   
2. Turn Gay
   Has the same outcome as getting a boyfriend, with the added benefit that men want to date you so they can watch.
   
   
3. Love Yourself
   This is essential for any young person seeking love. Only when you love yourself can you allow someone else to love you. And when they do you're be able to show them where to put their fingers for best results.
   
   
4. Study Grease
   When Sandy wanted her guy she didn't sit around waiting for him. She went out and got him, changing her entire personality along the way. With this technique, and some dance moves from the 50's, boys will find you irresistible.
   
   
5. Copy the Popular Girls
   Who are the girls in your school that the guys fall for? The girls that have a 15 month waiting list and their names written on the boys bathroom door (normally followed by 'is a slut')? Obviously these are the kind of women the boys want, for so it can't hurt to model yourself on them.
   
   
6. Find Mr Right Now
   Most people believe that there is only 1 person for them. However if this were true then the odds of finding your true love would be around 1 in 6 billion and marriage counsellors would have a hard time getting clients. Everyone has just has many flaws as everyone else. Just make sure your guy has the right strengths for you, such as knowing where to put his fingers without your help, and work on the rest from there.
   
   
7. Ignore everything on this list
   Love is one of those annoying things that tends to up when your least looking for it, or, in my case, when you're trying to get the bathroom. Acting desperate only works for suburban housewives and drunk gay men. If you can start this year being happy alone, then you're more likely to end it being happy as part of a duo. And, worst comes to worst, at least you won't have anyone stealing the duvet covers from you.
   

Finally, I'm sure as well that my pilgrims have some more sensible ideas and will leave them in the comments to this post, so it will be worth looking there to see what they have to say.

Hope this helps

Marcus

Love, of a certain kind, lives at Humor Blogs

Other Questions about love

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Why does it always rain on us?

As most of my Pilgrims 's are unemployed they have a lot of time to stare out the window and think.

Xander was looking out the window the other day and decided to ask me this question.

Why is it that when it's hot it's too hot and when it's cold, it's too cold. Why are we never happy?

Xander

In fact, this happens less often than you may Imagine. Around the word there is only a small number of countries that complain about the weather, and you can probably guess which one does it the most.

A Google search for "weather Complain" results in a whole first page devoted to pages ending .co.uk. Considering there are 5 times as many .com pages on the web than .co.uk ones this is quite an achievement. in fact pitting "moan weather .co.uk" against "moan weather .com" comes in at 5 to 2. Britain is a nation of moaners, and I don't, unfortunately, mean that in a good way.

(Although doing a Google Search for the term "Guru Is Stupid" comes in with 2,590,000 results, so I'm not sure how reliable this method is...)

It makes you wonder what exactly it is we Brits have to moan about. It may be that our weather is unpredictable but on a global scale, it is remarkably boring. We don't often have to contend with blizzards or tornado's, even a 'strong storm' is a rarity. It's not even like our weather is unique. The weather is just as interesting in France and Germany and they don't moan about it half as much as we do. In fact human beings are highly advanced at Thermoregulation, and in all due theory, should feel comfortable no matter what the heat outside.

So why do we spend so much time criticizing the weatherman?

Xander asked me a question before about why his workmates great him by saying 'alright?' and the answer to both his questions is the same. The English moan about the weather as way of opening conversation. It is a safe topic of conversation that is unlikely to cause offense, and very unlikely to result in a serious conversation that would require the anyone to actually put any effort in. The rules on weather conversation are actually quite clear. If it's sunny it's too hot, If it's chilly it's too cold, if it's raining they'll be floods tomorrow and if it's snowing they'll be traffic jams and 3 foot of snow by the morning. If anyone ever dared to say that actually they rather like it when it's raining their fellow conversationalists would be so confused they would most likely stand there fumbling for a while before finally excusing themselves to go find someone more sane to chat too.

As such English moan about the weather as a way of shaking hands with each other. A simple statement that everyone can agree with, no-one has to think about, and has almost no possibility of accidentally becoming a serious question.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

Every day is a sunny day at Humor Blogs

This blog exists because of your questions. Ask your questions and help this worthy cause.

Other Questions for the Guru

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E.T. Phones Home: Farmer annoyed in Morning

It astounds me that the Human Race, not content with having ruined its own planet, deeply wants to believe that there is another species out there ruining its own.

In fact we believe it so badly that often we are willing to take the feeblest things as proof, many of which I'm sure you'll tell me about in the comments.

Take Crop Circles. Here we have a complex form of UFO communication which is completely incomprehensible to humans, making the whole thing something of a worthless venture. You would think that any race clever enough to fly the interstellar distances to Earth and create complex patterns in the fields of Cornwall would also be clever enough to have learnt English. Or at least French. But instead they communicate in complex, geometric, apparently meaningless patterns, which just happen to look very much like they were created with a piece of wood and a bit of string, and mostly serve the purpose of Irritating Farmers.

Furthermore, logic dictates that any race advanced enough to travel to earth would either be completely adept at hiding themselves or would have made bloody sure that we knew they existed by now. Instead all they do is create a few lights in the sky which look remarkably like Airplanes, make a few cows die unexpectedly, or fulfill the anally obsessed sexual fantasies of insane people. What is it with Aliens and Anal Probes anyway? How much can you actually learn by the use of entroscopy?

But of course, as any true believer knows, Aliens have given us proof of their existence multiple times. But the world Governments keep covering it up. The Government, the same people who managed to leave a top secret terrorist document on the train, and leaked Private information about it's Veterans, have somehow managed to effect a worldwide cover up, silencing thousands of witness, hiding evidence in the top-secret, yet strangely well known, Area 51, and convincing the Aliens to keep hush-hush from now on. There are some reasons to believe this, it nicely explains the US Deficit for example, however, it is also believed that George Bush is secretly a member of Mensa and simply plays dumb to appeal to the American Voter. I leave my Pilgrims to decide for themselves, although I realise that may result in most of you making the wrong decision.

The few aliens that are out there are probably not in the habit of taking day trips to our humble planet just to probe some hicks, scare a few cows, ruin some fields and speed off before anyone can get a decent photograph. There are already people on these planets that do all these things, they're called tourists. And for now at least, they're more than enough for the world to cope with, without needing to invent space tourists as well.

What kind of evidence would you need to make you believe in Aliens? Comment and let me know!

Marcus

Read part 1 of this article on Extra Terrestrial Beings
All Crop Circles lead to Humor Blogs

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Coming out

The day my Most Exalted Calling was revealed to me I ran all the way home. Having wasted my life in the office, I abandoned it at once, and sprinting home to my wife, hugged her till her feet left the floor.

"I have found the light!" I declared, "I have discovered truth and foreseen my Destiny! I have found Salvation"

I held her in my arms and in that moment our souls became one, our love binding us together, our minds melding as one. A reverend silence reverberated throughout the universe as we lost ourselves in each other’s eyes. It was a single moment of perfection that seemed to last forever.

Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime of awed silence, she spoke.
"You stink!” she said, pushing me away. “And what are you doing home so early?”
This, I will be honest, was not the response I was hoping for, but nonetheless, I rallied on.
"I quit my job!”
This, it seemed, came as a surprise. “What?” she said, a flurry of emotions fighting for space on her beautiful face.
“I was wasting my life there. A greater calling has been given me, one no office can fulfil!" I delivered the line flawlessly having practiced it all the way home.. Sir Ian McKellen would have been proud of me.
My wife’s performance however, was somewhat less elegant.
"You’re fucking kidding me right?"
"No!" I drew her back towards me, "I am chosen! I am blessed! I will teach the world the folly of its ways!"
"Are you crazy?" She broke my embrace again, "You quit your bloody job!"
"I..." For some reason she wasn't taking this as well as I'd hoped, "I have no need for the world of 9 to 5! My world is one of infinite possibility. I am free. My Destiny is written. My ‘job’ is to change the world! "
"So you quit your job?"
“I...I...”
I stuttered to a halt, my rhetoric faltering in her merciless onslaught.
“Look,” I said, taking her hands in mine and sighing deeply, "You seem to be missing the point here...."

6 days later she finally gave up caring.

I still find wonder if she understands the decisions I made on that blesséd day. Sometimes, when I head to my pole, she turns her back on me and mutters to herself. You would think that as a successful Guru, with over 50 followers, she would be proud of me. But instead she simply worries about the overdue Gas Bill or where My Little Girl’s next meal will come from. Sometimes, I worry she has no clue of the things in life that are truly important.

The life of the prophet is always a life of struggle. And for some reason however, my family isn’t willing to struggle along with me....

Marcus

Make my wife proud by becoming one of my Pilgrims! Subscribe to my feed, never miss any of my wisdom, and maybe, just maybe, my wife will start talking to me again....

Humor Blogs always understands

Coming up next time... Part 2 of the truth about Aliens

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The Modern Guru

Pilgrims these days have it too easy.

There was a time when Gurus were considered Gods. After all, they knew everything, sat in high places, and looked awesome in Sandals! Pilgrims would trek miles to see them. And, in those days, a trek meant just that. Pilgrims would walk for days, or at least ride Donkey Back (which isn't as much fun as it sounds.) And they would suffer great hardship, cross mountains and deserts, brave droughts and storms, and worst of all, put up with their children asking 'Are we there yet?' every few miles. By the time they finally reached the Guru, normally at the top of a mountain or in the middle of a treacherous forest, they would have faced so many difficulties, struggles and challenges that the journey itself had transformed them. Then all the Guru had to do was point out the many lessons they had already learnt, and the Pilgrim's went away happy.

Now adays, however, the biggest struggle my Pilgrims go through is Airport Security. I've tried to remind them of the lessons learnt thanks to the cramped conditions of EasyJet or the humbleness gained by taking off one's shoes to pass through an Airport scanner, but somehow it just doesn't come off the same.
There was a time when I even considered living on a mountain, so pilgrims at least needed to climb a little, but my wife started complaining we'd be too far from the supermarkets....

The ever shrinking size of the world has meant that today's Guru has to be a lot sharper than the guru of old. You can't fob people off the way you used too. Nowadays, if you tell a Pilgrim, "The answers lie within each of us. All must find the answers their own way," they start demanding their money back and threaten to write to the Ombudsman.

Not that it's a problem for me of course however, these troubles are a small price to pay for the joy of knowing I have made the world that little bit wiser.

And of course, I know everything, or at least I will do after a quick look on Google. The shrinking world does have some benefits after all.

Marcus

I know all the answers. Humor Blogs knows all the Jokes.

Nowadays it's almost to easy to Ask me your questions.

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The Truth is Out There - Do Aliens Exist?

"Do you believe in Aliens?"

It's a question I get asked a lot. (Well, not that question. No one cares enough about me to be fussed what I ‘believe’ in; they're only after my knowledge. It's a shallow friendship, but I'll take anything I can get. What they actually ask is, "Is there something out there?" or "Are we alone in the Universe?" but those questions just don't open a post so dramatically.)

An appallingly large number of my pilgrims ask me this question and my answer is always the same.

With a gentle smile and a shrug I reply, "The universe is as infinite as my Knowledge. The odds of the Earth being the only planet which supports life are so small that someone with a brain such as yours could not hope to understand them."

At which point, they normally reply, "Yeah, but are there Aliens?"

For some reason trekking halfway around the world to get the answer 'maybe' just isn't good enough for them.
And so, to end this Tom-foolishness, I will give the answer. For the first time I will answer this question definitively, here and now. I only hope your infantile brains are ready for it.
Aliens exist. Somewhere, in the universe there is at least one other inhabited planet. Fact.

But it is highly likely that any Aliens that do exist have not evolved to be anything beyond the level of worms or birds. In fact, if Aliens co-habit this planet with us at all then there are almost certainly in bird form; the birds always gather around my pole, and Aliens are often said to seek 'the leader.'

However, there are no aliens speeding around our planet in their hyped up Ford Star-cruisers, revealing themselves to lonely Kansas Farmers, or purposefully leaving behind evidence of their existence. There is evidence of course, which I'll discuss in a later post, but frankly, if this is the best Aliens can do then they certainly aren't intelligent.

Either way, this is certain. There is intelligent life out there, or at least, there will be one day, and I for one welcome it. For one thing they'd be more people to share my wisdom with. And, when you're in the Guru business, you are always in need of less intelligent forms of life.

Do you believe in Aliens? Why? Add your comments and let me know.

Marcus

There is more things at Humor Blogs than are dreamt of in your philosophy, dear pilgrim

The Answers are out there. Ask the Guru

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Madonna gets sticky. Sweet! - A review.

On Saturday, I went to see Madonna.

Now I know what you're thinking, but it wasn't to finally talk her out of Kaballah. Instead it was for the opening Gig of her new tour, Madonna - Sweet and Sticky. One of my wife's friends had brought too many tickets, so we snapped them up, left My Little Girl with the next door neighbours (who spent the while time telling her how useless I was,) and I booked a coach to Cardiff to see the Queen of pop.

Eventually, Almost 2 hours late, Madonna appeared on the stage.

The show was more extravagant than my Wife's cooking, and almost as scary. Through more than 20 songs. 16 dancers, and and more costumes than any 50 year old women should own, the highly sculpted icon forced herself onto the crowds consciousness. The women seems to be obsessed with sex, as she spent most of the concert writing on the floor. Either that or possibly she is epileptic. But there is something about Madonna that defies belief. Any other women of her age miming intercourse with men as young as me would be sold in the cross-gen section of the porn shop, yet, somehow, Madonna still eludes the sexiness of a teenager. You almost feel like you'd be arrested if you slept with her.

Controlling the crowd like the bitchy Argentinean First Lady she once portrayed so incorrectly, she worked her way through more remixed Pop than Coke-a-Cola as 5 Massive LCD screens floated around the stage, allowing her to perform pre-recorded duets with the likes of Kayne West and Justin Timberlake. and you can imagine my excitement when Britney Spears appeared on the screens as part of a new concept video for Human Nature.

Not to say that the show was all meaningless fun. The fourth act opened with a shameless plug for Barrack Obama, the man who obviously can't be President, and during Like a Prayer, the LCD screens tried to convince the crowd that all religions are the same thing, a ridiculous assertion which any Guru would tell her. The only true religion is the one that particular Guru Supports.

But no matter how controversial her politics or her remixes, Madonna has still got it. Despite being old enough to be my mother (I can certainly imagine her packing my lunchbox) her Dance version of Like a Prayer, and her Rock and Roll edition of Hung Up on You, left the crowd down on their knees begging for more. And when the LCD Screens closed around her one final time with 'Game Over' flashing on them like an antiquated Arcade machine, you knew that Madonna had years left in her yet. Like the old jukeboxes that used to play her records, all you need is another quarter and Madonna can entertain you all night long.

Marcus

Humor Blogs keeps on dancing

When you Call on me it's like a little prayer!

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All your Questions answered

Are you searching for sunshine in your drizzle of a life?
Do you have questions that remain unanswered? Mysteries that need to be solved?
Are you seeking for meaning in your life?
Do you need wisdom to make it through another day?
Do you wish I'd stop asking so many questions?

If there's a problem without an solution, a question without an answer, or a joke without a punchline,The Freelance Guru is here to help.

Your questions are the lifeblood of this blog. No question is too small, no riddle to difficult, and no donation too much!

Asking me a question couldn't be simpler

• Click Comment at the bottom of this post and type your question there.
• Alternatively. If you'd like your question to be private (say for example you're asking a question about "making Stacey Come") then you can click here and use the Online Form below to send your question straight to my inbox.

This site couldn't exist if it wasn't for your questions. Take a moment to search inside your soul for those questions that are impossible to answer. And then ask the Guru, and watch the impossible come true.

Marcus

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How to market the Chav Olympics

Following on from my previous posts on the topic of Chavs a reader writes,

Dude!!!

How's it hanging?

Right...I, like yo it seems, have a clear distate for the scum that litters our streets; not the chip wrappers or empty bog rolls, but the eloquently named "chavs"

I have an amazing plan to help clean up the sreets but am unsure of marketing technique.

Scenario - The Chav Olympics

Several chavs are asked to run the 100metre hurdles under the belief that the winner can have much beer, fags and un-protected sex. However at the finish line are a few of your average joe, hard working, chav hating guys. They have 9 irons, 2 by 4's, bats, hockeys sticks etc etc...

As the Chavs leap the final hurdle it is their job to crack em as hard as possible across the jaw, hopefully shattering it...the winner is determined by distance travelled. I.e, the guy that cracks the chav the furthest wins and gets to walk down his street wothout the fear of his house getting done over while he's geting the newspaper...

So...question...how can I market this and make it happen???

Much Love,
Stevee

As an enlightened soul, I am naturally against violence to all forms of life. Despite the fact that this definition may not apply to Chav's, I can not endorse you treating so many of my readers so aggressively. By their very nature Chavs know nothing making them a boon to me. And when you consider that most of their questions are along the line of 'Where's the nearest Off-License?' they're wonderfully easy for me to deal with.

However as the Olympics come to an end shortly, and the paralympics doesn't start for another 2 weeks, we do need something to fill the gap. As I can't be bothered to think of anything better, your idea will have to do.

There are 2 audiences for this event and both of them will need different marketing tactics.

Firstly, you need to attract the viewing public and the Chav Beaters. This can be done quite effectively through traditional advertising methods such as Television, poster campaigns and stupid youTube Videos. If you pepper the adverts with words longer than 4 letters they will be completely incomprehensible to Chav Kind and thus remain completely ignorant of your true intentions. Placing the ad's in a place where Chav's never go, such as school, will make doubly sure they remain unaware. As for Television advertising, you should be safe providing you avoid Channel 4.

An event like this will largely sell itself to the the viewing public without much effort. The combination of Chav's and baseball bats, rings like a circus to the average viewer, and nothing attracts a crowd like lots of dumb creatures and the possibility of seeing someone get hurt.

It should also be quite easy to get Sponsors for an event of this kind. In this case I would start with Channel 4...

Secondly you need to interest chavs in the games.
This can probably be achieved like this


Of course all Olympic ceremonies need a big opening event. Beijing gave an excellent example of this with their over-rehearsed, over-funded and over-whelming tribute to Communism. However for the Chav Olympics something simpler will probably suffice. A popular form of Chav entertainment is to drink cheap cider until someone throws up or gets arrested. If accompanied by Classical music and Fireworks I'm sure this would be highly entertaining.

Finally, you may want to consider involving some other Chav sports to make the games more excting. For example, while not include Drunken Chav Boxing, speed chain-smoking, and the old favourite, the flee from commitement.

I wish you the best of luck.

Marcus

Another Chav Olympic Sponsor is bound to be Humor Blogs

Seek and you shall find. Ask the Guru.

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Darn Kids with their Punk and their MTV....

Of course, it happens to the best of us, but I was rather hoping I had a few years to go...

I was in town the other day when some teenagers walked past with some funky new hair styles that suggested they'd just been stun-gunned in a paint factory.

I turned to my wife and said "You know, I understand life, the universe and everything. But I just don't understand young people's hair styles these days."

It's official. I'm getting old...

Marcus

Humor Blogs never gets old.

You need Answers? The Guru Needs Questions.

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• Who, or what is a 'chav'?
  
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Homephobic Abuse - Please help.

A good friend of mine suffered from homophobic abuse today. He is extremely upset by it, especially as he feels he dealt with the whole situation quite badly, and has written a blog post detaling it and asking for advice.

Naturally, I have given him my wisdom, "Stop being so Gay", but he seems to think this is somewhat unpractical and wants advice from "someone more ordinary.

Please click across to his post, Homophobia in my own Home, and see if you can help.

If you can make him a bit less gay I'd apreciate it.

Thank you.

Marcus

Free Razors from Trimflixx. Be Enlightened and Smooth

A while ago, a man I had never met before offered to give me a razor blade. Never let anyone say that my life isn't interesting.

Trimflixx liked my blog so much (who wouldn't like such a work of enlightened art as this page) that they were sent me a free razor just so I would review it. Seen as most of my readers are Women or Gorililas this seems like an odd marketing tactic to me but then who am I, I mean all-knowing guru, to argue with the proud world of Razor blade Marketing.

However, due to the heavily poltical system that is USA-UK mail my Razor has not yet arrived. Or, if it has, it has been stolen by my wife and is currently being used to shave her legs. ( If that is the case, I for one am not going to complain.) But I do need to tell all my hairy, hairy readers, (I'm looking at you Avitable) about the great offer from Trimflixx before it gets to late.

In order to help make the world a smoother place Trimflixx are giving away Free Razors by the bucket load. And all you need to do to get one is make a quick, easy, and very fun video over at TrimFlixx.

Here's one I made earlier:

If you want your own free razor, and even more excitingly your own free video with some hunky men or sexy ladies, click on over to Trimflixx and get clean shaved now, before my wife blunts all the blades.

Marcus

You can also find humour at Humor Blogs

Ask me some questions. We all need more Answers

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The Meaning of The Word 'Chav'

After reading "To 'Catch a Chav'", one of my (possibly less educated) readers came to me with this question:

Dear Guru,

Chavs? Okay o' wise one up a pole - enlighten me and tell me why they are called Chavs. As a mere colonial, I have no clue what you are talking about!

Linda

Dear Pilgrim,

No-one is entirely sure when this vulgar term first crawled out of the swamp but there are many theories about it all of which are wrong.

Among the most popular beliefs is that 'Chav' is an Acronym for "Council House and Violence." This, however, is about as likely as Barrack Obama becoming the next President. There are also those who believe the word was used by the Women of Cheltenham Ladies College as a way of describing the young males of Cheltenham, or the 'Cheltenham Average.'

Those with slightly more education than your average "Council House Aggressive Vermin" however, believe the word has far older origins, dating back to the Gypsy word 'Chavi' or child. As a Chav is basically a dirty, thieving, unhealthy, swearing, homeless child with a back-to-front baseball cap this seems appropriate.

The word began as an derogatory term, used by the middle and upper classes, to describe the working class, Burberry wearing, council estate teenagers who spent most of their time smoking, drinking, and getting 'ASBOs' (Anti-Social Behaviour Orders). However, the word became overused by the Tabloids ("Rapists! Chavs! Murderers! Don't go outside!") and soon became embraced by the very people it was supposed to offend, the same way that 'Queer' has been embraced by the faggots. Their favourite lower class noun gone, the Upper class resorted to synonyms such as 'Townie', 'Pikey', or 'that filthy brat of a child in number 10' instead.

Nowadays Chavs can largely be seen hanging around Multi-storey car parks, drinking beer, smoking and using their mating call, illegally downloaded hip-hop played through a tinny mobile phone speaker, to lure the opposite sex into unprotected fumbles. As such they are highly proficient breeders, but, rather like sea-turtles, expect their offspring to raise themselves, the only difference being that Turtles will swim miles out of their way and face great hardship, to deposit their eggs safely on the beach whereas Chavettes will drink, smoke and get high during their pregnancy, only to sue the Hospital when their baby is born underweight. It will then be left to the Grandparents to raise the Child while the Chavette spends the next few years complaining to her homies about the 'sad ass d*ck of a father' who left her to raise her brat of a child on her own.

Hope this helps

Marcus

The one place you won't find Chavs is at Humor Blogs. Clicking there will help more people see this post however and educate themselves.

This blog can't exist without your questions. What do you need to know?

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Marcus Needs To Do Less Memes

Having sworn this blog would be meme free, I saw an old favourite of a meme over at Shelly's Blog and decided I'd have to give it a try.

All you have to do is enter your name into Google followed by the word 'needs' and post the results on your blog. It's a wonderful idea and I fully plan to do it with The Wife's name soon so I can see what she's been up to.

But in the meantime, here's a list of things which I need. Well, at least according to Google.

• Marcus needs to take some time out
  - Afterall there's only so much time one can spend knowing everything
  
  
• Marcus needs a Hacksaw
  - My pole could do with a few repairs
  
  
• Hannah is just what Marcus Needs
  - Hannah is, I'm quite sure, what every young man needs -->
  
  
• Marcus needs an Extreme Makeover
  - It's this darn dry skin of mine
  
  
• Marcus needs a personality change
  - Yes, well, I suppose I am a little too modest
  
  
• Marcus needs to Grow
  - Yeah, the pump I mentioned before still isn't working
  
  
• Marcus needs a family that will take pride in his African American Heritage.
  - Tru dat
  
  
• Marcus needs a beard
  - I tried to grow one once but The Wife thought it was dirt and tried to wash it off my face.
  
  
• Marcus needs to wear both Spandex and Glitter (obviously with a suit coat also)
  - Well, OHBV-iously. Although I must say, it's somewhat scary how accurately Google knows me.
  
  
• Marcus needs to be rougher around the edges
  - What? This person obviously has no idea how hard it is to be a bonified Guru.
  
  
• Marcus needs Marcus
  - Well that goes without saying. Everyone needs Marcus.
  
  
• Marcus needs to understand the impact of his sexual behavior on his younger victims.
  - Um... Moving on...
  
  
• Marcus needs to go
  - Very true. See you next time.
  

Marcus

Fullfill your needs by visiting Humor Blogs. You also raise my ranking there by clicking!

Tell me your Questions! Otherwise I get Bored

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Is She Too Old For Me?

This week, I tackle a toy boy's teaser,

Dear Guru,

My girlfriend is 11 years older than me. I love her and we're going to have a baby soon. Would our age be an issue once we get married?

Thirsty for your enlightenment,

Jessie

Dear Pilgrim,

It is often said that Age is just a number, and in many ways this is true. However in many other ways that's the kind of stupid thing people say when they're going through a Midlife Crisis. As far as numbers go Age is pretty important, especially if you happen to be older than your life expectancy. It's the number that tells when you can start drinking, when you can get married, when you can start work, when you can retire, and when you should probably start thinking about not drinking anymore. In fact it's one of the only numbers you will ever encounter that truly matters. Well that, and the number of inches in your underpants.

In your case, there are several factors to consider. For one, exactly how old are you? For example, if you are 34 and your Fiancée, 45, then the age gap will have a minimal affect after you are married. It will also reduce the number of years you have to spend together until 'death does you part' and you get to inherit all her money. If however she is 21 then you may want to inform the nearest trusted Adult. I would also question how she is carrying a child when you aren't physically capable of reproducing yet.

Assuming you are of a reasonable dating age however, (and if you're not then you should probably seek adult permission before reading this blog) a relationship depends on what you put into it. For example, I give my wife plenty of space and time alone and she repays me by cooking, cleaning, earning our soul income, and raising our child. It's a partnership you see, and, providing both are willing to work for it, age should be irrelevant. The celebrity world is full of couples with large Age Differences: Madonna is 10 years older than Guy Ritchie and they seem to be doing just fine...

Finally, there is actually a rule of thumb which applies here about socially acceptable age difference.

Providing this rule is true for you, then your new mother-in-law shouldn't gossip about you too much. But fortunatly, no-one in her Age-Concern meetings would be able to hear her clearly anyway.

Hope this helps and I wish you both the best of luck

Marcus

If you like this post - Subscribe to my feed! I am always happy to welcome new pilgrims.
Are you old enough for Humor Blogs

If you have Questions I have Answers

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The Guru hits 50

I've been watching it track up over the last few days and, finally, today, my feedburner counter hit 50. 50 people a day are reading this blog!

For a relatively obscure blog like this one with only 34 posts over 7 months (what can I say, I'm a busy Guru!) that's an excellent result and a third of the way towards my target of 150 readers by the end of 2008!

I'd like to say that this success was all down to you: so I will. No matter what I write, if my beloved Pilgrims didn't subscribe to this blog and tell others about it then I might as well be sitting up this pole talking to my stuffed snake all day. My stuffed snake would probably like that but that's not the point...

But our work is not yet done. Billions remain who are not yet aware of the truth, lost souls in need of someone to show them the way. It is imperative that all who seek shall find, and it falls on you, Pilgrim, to lead them to the light.

I mean after all, I'm perched on a 15 foot pole, it's not like I can reach out and grab people. Unless... I had a very long grabbing pole! Very long Grabbing Pole! I'll get to work straight away.

But in the meantime, here's all I ask of you. If you read something you like here add a link to it from your blog; there's a good chance your blog readers will like it too. Or if you're too shy to tell your readers then Stumble, Digg it, or submit it to the social network of your choice. There are links at the bottom of every post which make doing any of these things almost as easy as enjoying my well taught, brilliantly entertaining lessons.

I think it was Kermit the Frog who said "Be the change you want to be in the world." If you want the world to be a wiser, happier, more enlightened place tell your friends, lovers, co-workers and shopkeepers about The Freelance Guru. Especially talk to stupid people.

Thank you for all your support. Together we can make your world that little bit wiser.

Marcus

I'm running short of Questions! Seek your wisdom here...