The Modern Guru

Pilgrims these days have it too easy.

There was a time when Gurus were considered Gods. After all, they knew everything, sat in high places, and looked awesome in Sandals! Pilgrims would trek miles to see them. And, in those days, a trek meant just that. Pilgrims would walk for days, or at least ride Donkey Back (which isn't as much fun as it sounds.) And they would suffer great hardship, cross mountains and deserts, brave droughts and storms, and worst of all, put up with their children asking 'Are we there yet?' every few miles. By the time they finally reached the Guru, normally at the top of a mountain or in the middle of a treacherous forest, they would have faced so many difficulties, struggles and challenges that the journey itself had transformed them. Then all the Guru had to do was point out the many lessons they had already learnt, and the Pilgrim's went away happy.

Now adays, however, the biggest struggle my Pilgrims go through is Airport Security. I've tried to remind them of the lessons learnt thanks to the cramped conditions of EasyJet or the humbleness gained by taking off one's shoes to pass through an Airport scanner, but somehow it just doesn't come off the same.
There was a time when I even considered living on a mountain, so pilgrims at least needed to climb a little, but my wife started complaining we'd be too far from the supermarkets....

The ever shrinking size of the world has meant that today's Guru has to be a lot sharper than the guru of old. You can't fob people off the way you used too. Nowadays, if you tell a Pilgrim, "The answers lie within each of us. All must find the answers their own way," they start demanding their money back and threaten to write to the Ombudsman.

Not that it's a problem for me of course however, these troubles are a small price to pay for the joy of knowing I have made the world that little bit wiser.

And of course, I know everything, or at least I will do after a quick look on Google. The shrinking world does have some benefits after all.

Marcus

I know all the answers. Humor Blogs knows all the Jokes.

Nowadays it's almost to easy to Ask me your questions.

Recent posts
• Aliens live among us
  
• Review of Madonna's world tour
  
• Marketing the Chav Olympics
  

The Truth is Out There - Do Aliens Exist?

"Do you believe in Aliens?"

It's a question I get asked a lot. (Well, not that question. No one cares enough about me to be fussed what I ‘believe’ in; they're only after my knowledge. It's a shallow friendship, but I'll take anything I can get. What they actually ask is, "Is there something out there?" or "Are we alone in the Universe?" but those questions just don't open a post so dramatically.)

An appallingly large number of my pilgrims ask me this question and my answer is always the same.

With a gentle smile and a shrug I reply, "The universe is as infinite as my Knowledge. The odds of the Earth being the only planet which supports life are so small that someone with a brain such as yours could not hope to understand them."

At which point, they normally reply, "Yeah, but are there Aliens?"

For some reason trekking halfway around the world to get the answer 'maybe' just isn't good enough for them.
And so, to end this Tom-foolishness, I will give the answer. For the first time I will answer this question definitively, here and now. I only hope your infantile brains are ready for it.
Aliens exist. Somewhere, in the universe there is at least one other inhabited planet. Fact.

But it is highly likely that any Aliens that do exist have not evolved to be anything beyond the level of worms or birds. In fact, if Aliens co-habit this planet with us at all then there are almost certainly in bird form; the birds always gather around my pole, and Aliens are often said to seek 'the leader.'

However, there are no aliens speeding around our planet in their hyped up Ford Star-cruisers, revealing themselves to lonely Kansas Farmers, or purposefully leaving behind evidence of their existence. There is evidence of course, which I'll discuss in a later post, but frankly, if this is the best Aliens can do then they certainly aren't intelligent.

Either way, this is certain. There is intelligent life out there, or at least, there will be one day, and I for one welcome it. For one thing they'd be more people to share my wisdom with. And, when you're in the Guru business, you are always in need of less intelligent forms of life.

Do you believe in Aliens? Why? Add your comments and let me know.

Marcus

There is more things at Humor Blogs than are dreamt of in your philosophy, dear pilgrim

The Answers are out there. Ask the Guru

Recent posts
• Reviewing Madonna's Sticky and sweet tour
  
• Marketing the Chav Olympics
  
• Definition of a 'Chav'
  

Madonna gets sticky. Sweet! - A review.

On Saturday, I went to see Madonna.

Now I know what you're thinking, but it wasn't to finally talk her out of Kaballah. Instead it was for the opening Gig of her new tour, Madonna - Sweet and Sticky. One of my wife's friends had brought too many tickets, so we snapped them up, left My Little Girl with the next door neighbours (who spent the while time telling her how useless I was,) and I booked a coach to Cardiff to see the Queen of pop.

Eventually, Almost 2 hours late, Madonna appeared on the stage.

The show was more extravagant than my Wife's cooking, and almost as scary. Through more than 20 songs. 16 dancers, and and more costumes than any 50 year old women should own, the highly sculpted icon forced herself onto the crowds consciousness. The women seems to be obsessed with sex, as she spent most of the concert writing on the floor. Either that or possibly she is epileptic. But there is something about Madonna that defies belief. Any other women of her age miming intercourse with men as young as me would be sold in the cross-gen section of the porn shop, yet, somehow, Madonna still eludes the sexiness of a teenager. You almost feel like you'd be arrested if you slept with her.

Controlling the crowd like the bitchy Argentinean First Lady she once portrayed so incorrectly, she worked her way through more remixed Pop than Coke-a-Cola as 5 Massive LCD screens floated around the stage, allowing her to perform pre-recorded duets with the likes of Kayne West and Justin Timberlake. and you can imagine my excitement when Britney Spears appeared on the screens as part of a new concept video for Human Nature.

Not to say that the show was all meaningless fun. The fourth act opened with a shameless plug for Barrack Obama, the man who obviously can't be President, and during Like a Prayer, the LCD screens tried to convince the crowd that all religions are the same thing, a ridiculous assertion which any Guru would tell her. The only true religion is the one that particular Guru Supports.

But no matter how controversial her politics or her remixes, Madonna has still got it. Despite being old enough to be my mother (I can certainly imagine her packing my lunchbox) her Dance version of Like a Prayer, and her Rock and Roll edition of Hung Up on You, left the crowd down on their knees begging for more. And when the LCD Screens closed around her one final time with 'Game Over' flashing on them like an antiquated Arcade machine, you knew that Madonna had years left in her yet. Like the old jukeboxes that used to play her records, all you need is another quarter and Madonna can entertain you all night long.

Marcus

Humor Blogs keeps on dancing

When you Call on me it's like a little prayer!

Recent posts
• Ask the Guru your questions
  
• Ways to Market the Chav Olympics
  
• The Guru's sense of Style
  

All your Questions answered

Are you searching for sunshine in your drizzle of a life?
Do you have questions that remain unanswered? Mysteries that need to be solved?
Are you seeking for meaning in your life?
Do you need wisdom to make it through another day?
Do you wish I'd stop asking so many questions?

If there's a problem without an solution, a question without an answer, or a joke without a punchline,The Freelance Guru is here to help.

Your questions are the lifeblood of this blog. No question is too small, no riddle to difficult, and no donation too much!

Asking me a question couldn't be simpler

• Click Comment at the bottom of this post and type your question there.
• Alternatively. If you'd like your question to be private (say for example you're asking a question about "making Stacey Come") then you can click here and use the Online Form below to send your question straight to my inbox.

This site couldn't exist if it wasn't for your questions. Take a moment to search inside your soul for those questions that are impossible to answer. And then ask the Guru, and watch the impossible come true.

Marcus

See all the Questions the Guru has answered

Ask the Guru Your Questions

Your Name :
Your Email : Required. Not Published
Your Web Site:
Message :
Image (case-sensitive):

How to market the Chav Olympics

Following on from my previous posts on the topic of Chavs a reader writes,

Dude!!!

How's it hanging?

Right...I, like yo it seems, have a clear distate for the scum that litters our streets; not the chip wrappers or empty bog rolls, but the eloquently named "chavs"

I have an amazing plan to help clean up the sreets but am unsure of marketing technique.

Scenario - The Chav Olympics

Several chavs are asked to run the 100metre hurdles under the belief that the winner can have much beer, fags and un-protected sex. However at the finish line are a few of your average joe, hard working, chav hating guys. They have 9 irons, 2 by 4's, bats, hockeys sticks etc etc...

As the Chavs leap the final hurdle it is their job to crack em as hard as possible across the jaw, hopefully shattering it...the winner is determined by distance travelled. I.e, the guy that cracks the chav the furthest wins and gets to walk down his street wothout the fear of his house getting done over while he's geting the newspaper...

So...question...how can I market this and make it happen???

Much Love,
Stevee

As an enlightened soul, I am naturally against violence to all forms of life. Despite the fact that this definition may not apply to Chav's, I can not endorse you treating so many of my readers so aggressively. By their very nature Chavs know nothing making them a boon to me. And when you consider that most of their questions are along the line of 'Where's the nearest Off-License?' they're wonderfully easy for me to deal with.

However as the Olympics come to an end shortly, and the paralympics doesn't start for another 2 weeks, we do need something to fill the gap. As I can't be bothered to think of anything better, your idea will have to do.

There are 2 audiences for this event and both of them will need different marketing tactics.

Firstly, you need to attract the viewing public and the Chav Beaters. This can be done quite effectively through traditional advertising methods such as Television, poster campaigns and stupid youTube Videos. If you pepper the adverts with words longer than 4 letters they will be completely incomprehensible to Chav Kind and thus remain completely ignorant of your true intentions. Placing the ad's in a place where Chav's never go, such as school, will make doubly sure they remain unaware. As for Television advertising, you should be safe providing you avoid Channel 4.

An event like this will largely sell itself to the the viewing public without much effort. The combination of Chav's and baseball bats, rings like a circus to the average viewer, and nothing attracts a crowd like lots of dumb creatures and the possibility of seeing someone get hurt.

It should also be quite easy to get Sponsors for an event of this kind. In this case I would start with Channel 4...

Secondly you need to interest chavs in the games.
This can probably be achieved like this


Of course all Olympic ceremonies need a big opening event. Beijing gave an excellent example of this with their over-rehearsed, over-funded and over-whelming tribute to Communism. However for the Chav Olympics something simpler will probably suffice. A popular form of Chav entertainment is to drink cheap cider until someone throws up or gets arrested. If accompanied by Classical music and Fireworks I'm sure this would be highly entertaining.

Finally, you may want to consider involving some other Chav sports to make the games more excting. For example, while not include Drunken Chav Boxing, speed chain-smoking, and the old favourite, the flee from commitement.

I wish you the best of luck.

Marcus

Another Chav Olympic Sponsor is bound to be Humor Blogs

Seek and you shall find. Ask the Guru.

Recent posts
• Darn kids with their Punk and their MTV....
  
• How to get a free Razor
  
• Defining the word Chav
  

Darn Kids with their Punk and their MTV....

Of course, it happens to the best of us, but I was rather hoping I had a few years to go...

I was in town the other day when some teenagers walked past with some funky new hair styles that suggested they'd just been stun-gunned in a paint factory.

I turned to my wife and said "You know, I understand life, the universe and everything. But I just don't understand young people's hair styles these days."

It's official. I'm getting old...

Marcus

Humor Blogs never gets old.

You need Answers? The Guru Needs Questions.

Recent posts
• Get a free Razor blade
• Who, or what is a 'chav'?
  
• Marcus needs to do less memes
  

Homephobic Abuse - Please help.

A good friend of mine suffered from homophobic abuse today. He is extremely upset by it, especially as he feels he dealt with the whole situation quite badly, and has written a blog post detaling it and asking for advice.

Naturally, I have given him my wisdom, "Stop being so Gay", but he seems to think this is somewhat unpractical and wants advice from "someone more ordinary.

Please click across to his post, Homophobia in my own Home, and see if you can help.

If you can make him a bit less gay I'd apreciate it.

Thank you.

Marcus

Free Razors from Trimflixx. Be Enlightened and Smooth

A while ago, a man I had never met before offered to give me a razor blade. Never let anyone say that my life isn't interesting.

Trimflixx liked my blog so much (who wouldn't like such a work of enlightened art as this page) that they were sent me a free razor just so I would review it. Seen as most of my readers are Women or Gorililas this seems like an odd marketing tactic to me but then who am I, I mean all-knowing guru, to argue with the proud world of Razor blade Marketing.

However, due to the heavily poltical system that is USA-UK mail my Razor has not yet arrived. Or, if it has, it has been stolen by my wife and is currently being used to shave her legs. ( If that is the case, I for one am not going to complain.) But I do need to tell all my hairy, hairy readers, (I'm looking at you Avitable) about the great offer from Trimflixx before it gets to late.

In order to help make the world a smoother place Trimflixx are giving away Free Razors by the bucket load. And all you need to do to get one is make a quick, easy, and very fun video over at TrimFlixx.

Here's one I made earlier:

If you want your own free razor, and even more excitingly your own free video with some hunky men or sexy ladies, click on over to Trimflixx and get clean shaved now, before my wife blunts all the blades.

Marcus

You can also find humour at Humor Blogs

Ask me some questions. We all need more Answers

Recent posts
• Define 'Chav' for me
  
• The first and only Guru Meme
  
• Is she too old for me
  

The Meaning of The Word 'Chav'

After reading "To 'Catch a Chav'", one of my (possibly less educated) readers came to me with this question:

Dear Guru,

Chavs? Okay o' wise one up a pole - enlighten me and tell me why they are called Chavs. As a mere colonial, I have no clue what you are talking about!

Linda

Dear Pilgrim,

No-one is entirely sure when this vulgar term first crawled out of the swamp but there are many theories about it all of which are wrong.

Among the most popular beliefs is that 'Chav' is an Acronym for "Council House and Violence." This, however, is about as likely as Barrack Obama becoming the next President. There are also those who believe the word was used by the Women of Cheltenham Ladies College as a way of describing the young males of Cheltenham, or the 'Cheltenham Average.'

Those with slightly more education than your average "Council House Aggressive Vermin" however, believe the word has far older origins, dating back to the Gypsy word 'Chavi' or child. As a Chav is basically a dirty, thieving, unhealthy, swearing, homeless child with a back-to-front baseball cap this seems appropriate.

The word began as an derogatory term, used by the middle and upper classes, to describe the working class, Burberry wearing, council estate teenagers who spent most of their time smoking, drinking, and getting 'ASBOs' (Anti-Social Behaviour Orders). However, the word became overused by the Tabloids ("Rapists! Chavs! Murderers! Don't go outside!") and soon became embraced by the very people it was supposed to offend, the same way that 'Queer' has been embraced by the faggots. Their favourite lower class noun gone, the Upper class resorted to synonyms such as 'Townie', 'Pikey', or 'that filthy brat of a child in number 10' instead.

Nowadays Chavs can largely be seen hanging around Multi-storey car parks, drinking beer, smoking and using their mating call, illegally downloaded hip-hop played through a tinny mobile phone speaker, to lure the opposite sex into unprotected fumbles. As such they are highly proficient breeders, but, rather like sea-turtles, expect their offspring to raise themselves, the only difference being that Turtles will swim miles out of their way and face great hardship, to deposit their eggs safely on the beach whereas Chavettes will drink, smoke and get high during their pregnancy, only to sue the Hospital when their baby is born underweight. It will then be left to the Grandparents to raise the Child while the Chavette spends the next few years complaining to her homies about the 'sad ass d*ck of a father' who left her to raise her brat of a child on her own.

Hope this helps

Marcus

The one place you won't find Chavs is at Humor Blogs. Clicking there will help more people see this post however and educate themselves.

This blog can't exist without your questions. What do you need to know?

Recent Questions the Guru Answered

• Is the age difference too big?
  
• How can I make a billion online?
  
• Should I take your site seriously?
  

Marcus Needs To Do Less Memes

Having sworn this blog would be meme free, I saw an old favourite of a meme over at Shelly's Blog and decided I'd have to give it a try.

All you have to do is enter your name into Google followed by the word 'needs' and post the results on your blog. It's a wonderful idea and I fully plan to do it with The Wife's name soon so I can see what she's been up to.

But in the meantime, here's a list of things which I need. Well, at least according to Google.

• Marcus needs to take some time out
  - Afterall there's only so much time one can spend knowing everything
  
  
• Marcus needs a Hacksaw
  - My pole could do with a few repairs
  
  
• Hannah is just what Marcus Needs
  - Hannah is, I'm quite sure, what every young man needs -->
  
  
• Marcus needs an Extreme Makeover
  - It's this darn dry skin of mine
  
  
• Marcus needs a personality change
  - Yes, well, I suppose I am a little too modest
  
  
• Marcus needs to Grow
  - Yeah, the pump I mentioned before still isn't working
  
  
• Marcus needs a family that will take pride in his African American Heritage.
  - Tru dat
  
  
• Marcus needs a beard
  - I tried to grow one once but The Wife thought it was dirt and tried to wash it off my face.
  
  
• Marcus needs to wear both Spandex and Glitter (obviously with a suit coat also)
  - Well, OHBV-iously. Although I must say, it's somewhat scary how accurately Google knows me.
  
  
• Marcus needs to be rougher around the edges
  - What? This person obviously has no idea how hard it is to be a bonified Guru.
  
  
• Marcus needs Marcus
  - Well that goes without saying. Everyone needs Marcus.
  
  
• Marcus needs to understand the impact of his sexual behavior on his younger victims.
  - Um... Moving on...
  
  
• Marcus needs to go
  - Very true. See you next time.
  

Marcus

Fullfill your needs by visiting Humor Blogs. You also raise my ranking there by clicking!

Tell me your Questions! Otherwise I get Bored

Recent posts
• Am I just a toy boy to her?
  
• Celebrating the 10 Best Blogger Comments
  
• How to be an Internet Billionaire
  

Is She Too Old For Me?

This week, I tackle a toy boy's teaser,

Dear Guru,

My girlfriend is 11 years older than me. I love her and we're going to have a baby soon. Would our age be an issue once we get married?

Thirsty for your enlightenment,

Jessie

Dear Pilgrim,

It is often said that Age is just a number, and in many ways this is true. However in many other ways that's the kind of stupid thing people say when they're going through a Midlife Crisis. As far as numbers go Age is pretty important, especially if you happen to be older than your life expectancy. It's the number that tells when you can start drinking, when you can get married, when you can start work, when you can retire, and when you should probably start thinking about not drinking anymore. In fact it's one of the only numbers you will ever encounter that truly matters. Well that, and the number of inches in your underpants.

In your case, there are several factors to consider. For one, exactly how old are you? For example, if you are 34 and your Fiancée, 45, then the age gap will have a minimal affect after you are married. It will also reduce the number of years you have to spend together until 'death does you part' and you get to inherit all her money. If however she is 21 then you may want to inform the nearest trusted Adult. I would also question how she is carrying a child when you aren't physically capable of reproducing yet.

Assuming you are of a reasonable dating age however, (and if you're not then you should probably seek adult permission before reading this blog) a relationship depends on what you put into it. For example, I give my wife plenty of space and time alone and she repays me by cooking, cleaning, earning our soul income, and raising our child. It's a partnership you see, and, providing both are willing to work for it, age should be irrelevant. The celebrity world is full of couples with large Age Differences: Madonna is 10 years older than Guy Ritchie and they seem to be doing just fine...

Finally, there is actually a rule of thumb which applies here about socially acceptable age difference.

Providing this rule is true for you, then your new mother-in-law shouldn't gossip about you too much. But fortunatly, no-one in her Age-Concern meetings would be able to hear her clearly anyway.

Hope this helps and I wish you both the best of luck

Marcus

If you like this post - Subscribe to my feed! I am always happy to welcome new pilgrims.
Are you old enough for Humor Blogs

If you have Questions I have Answers

Recent posts
• The Top 10 Blogger Comments
  
• How to be an Internet Billionaire
  
• 9 Lessons the Yanks have taught me
  

The Guru hits 50

I've been watching it track up over the last few days and, finally, today, my feedburner counter hit 50. 50 people a day are reading this blog!

For a relatively obscure blog like this one with only 34 posts over 7 months (what can I say, I'm a busy Guru!) that's an excellent result and a third of the way towards my target of 150 readers by the end of 2008!

I'd like to say that this success was all down to you: so I will. No matter what I write, if my beloved Pilgrims didn't subscribe to this blog and tell others about it then I might as well be sitting up this pole talking to my stuffed snake all day. My stuffed snake would probably like that but that's not the point...

But our work is not yet done. Billions remain who are not yet aware of the truth, lost souls in need of someone to show them the way. It is imperative that all who seek shall find, and it falls on you, Pilgrim, to lead them to the light.

I mean after all, I'm perched on a 15 foot pole, it's not like I can reach out and grab people. Unless... I had a very long grabbing pole! Very long Grabbing Pole! I'll get to work straight away.

But in the meantime, here's all I ask of you. If you read something you like here add a link to it from your blog; there's a good chance your blog readers will like it too. Or if you're too shy to tell your readers then Stumble, Digg it, or submit it to the social network of your choice. There are links at the bottom of every post which make doing any of these things almost as easy as enjoying my well taught, brilliantly entertaining lessons.

I think it was Kermit the Frog who said "Be the change you want to be in the world." If you want the world to be a wiser, happier, more enlightened place tell your friends, lovers, co-workers and shopkeepers about The Freelance Guru. Especially talk to stupid people.

Thank you for all your support. Together we can make your world that little bit wiser.

Marcus

I'm running short of Questions! Seek your wisdom here...