Thursday 29 May 2008

Why is White the Colour of Death to the Chinese?

This blog is up for a best of blog awards. Please help me avoid coming in last by voting for me everyday until further notice. Thank you.

Dear Guru

Why is white the color of death to the Chinese? It's a real pain in my arse. One time I gave Poor George this very pretty white scented candle and he just about had a fit. "You never give something white to a Chinese person!" he proclaimed.

Coaster Punchman

I don't want to be responsible for strengthening your relationship, but have you tried just asking him why? I understand your reluctance if not however. If he's freaked out by a candle who's to say how he'll react when you question his heritage. No matter how much your cat pictures annoy me I wouldn't wish murder on anyone.

As a species superstition is built into us as a survival instinct. If a tiger rips our heads off we learn, pretty quickly, that tiger's are bad and invent the spear. But this can also misfire. For example, if one person buys a rabbit's foot and has a stroke of luck, the mind links the two together. The end result is a lot of unlucky, slightly poorer people and a boom in the Bunny wheelchair trade. Even worse than this we can't accept this life is all there so we invent things to make life more exciting. That’s why, for example, when 2000 years ago an unwed teenage mother had an unplanned pregnancy and blamed it on God, she became famous enough to appear in oil stains and cooked bread. Thankfully, those who've reached guru status know that all superstitions are foolish. Except those about Nirvana, black cats and Richard Gere.

Regarding Poor Georges Chromataphobia, it is entirely possible it is unique to him. Maybe his mother suffered from a cleanliness OCD and kept the house spotless. As white shows dust without mercy it would have been contraband, and so he was trained, as a child, to fear white. Not knowing any different he would naturally assume that all Chinese people felt the same way. All of our religions have been spread in a similar way. Or it could be that some lover of white in his town was blighted by misfortune. The brain links, the rumours spread and before you know it sales of Daz plummet.

The fear of white does seem to be documented however, albeit very sparsely, so we can assume Poor George is not alone in this delusion. Perhaps the great firewall of China has prevented the western world from discovering the true extent of the superstition, indeed no-one seems to be sure why these phobia exists but the most likely reason white is associated with death is due to the white cloth used to enshroud corpses, the pale skin of a dead person, and the stark whiteness of bones and skeletons.

In the Western world we bury our dead in sombre coloured dress suits and don't have a habit of looking at skeletons for entertainment, so we associate black with death instead.

In short though, we may never be certain why the Chinese fear the colour white until the Aliens that founded the human race come back and explain themselves. And as this won't happen till 2012 (as everyone knows) we've still got a while to wait.

And to be honest, surly any American citizen would be horrified if you offered them something white after labour day.

Marcus

Sunday 25 May 2008

10 steps to greater Self Confidence.

Dear Guru,

How can I get more self confident

Juliane

Dear Pilgrim.

I feel your pain. We've all faced hard times; when our get up and go gets up and goes; when we feel worthless and pointless and it seems no-one loves us, when we feel completely alone, stuck on my pole, isolated & misunderstood, no-one caring if I live or die; as if I might as well kill myself in the morning and....

Sorry. Excuse me a second. [....]

Self Confidence and BreastsAs I was saying, we've all had our self esteem fail us. My self confidence suffered terribly when I was a salesmen. You might find it hard to believe, given that I'm naturally suave and sophisticated, but selling is not my forte, and my failure to hit targets drove me into depression, to the point where it was a relief to come home to wife at the end of every day! My sales did improve briefly near the end of my employment but only because I cried so much people brought my policies out of pity.

Finally, I saw the light and spent several minutes researching how to improve my self-confidence, sourcing the whole of the World Wide Web to find the best techniques, and thus became the amazing person I am now. And here, for the first time, I will share these tips with you.

10 ways to increase your Self Confidence

  1. Use the NLP Swish to change your negative self-images with confident ones. This amazing technique can also bring about inner calm, personal successes and World peace.

  2. Surround yourself with ugly people.

  3. Make the voices in your head sound like someone you hate. That way you'll feel really good telling them to 'Shut the f*** up!'

  4. Love yourself. But I'd suggest refraining from doing so in public.

  5. Join a low self-esteem club. Surrounding yourself with people who continuously put themselves down will make you feel great in comparison.

  6. Take small, slightly illegal, risks everyday. Nothing boosts your self-confidence like a spell in prison.

  7. Exercise. This won't help your self confidence, I just think you could just stand to lose a few pounds.

  8. Find a highly confident, successful, superior and generally amazing mentor to guide you to confidence. My prices start at $100 an hour.

  9. Prevent negative thoughts by sticking your fingers in your ears and singing loudly. This will also keep people away from you as you'll look a bit Buddha.

  10. And finally, get your mirrors Gaussian Blurred.
Hope this helps.
Marcus

P.S. Research shows that daily laughter increases your self confidence. If so Humor Blogs is the cheapest therapy around.

Wednesday 21 May 2008

Aiight Mate! An obsession with Chav Culture...

This blog has a measly 30 Readers.
Please help me reach my target of 150 readers by the end of 2008
If you like this post tell a friend, or link to it.

You can Subscribe to the feed here

Dear Mr Guru,

I watch far too much English television. This had lead to the situation where I find guys with accents from northern England (like Leeds) irresistible.

Please help with a suggested cure, or perhaps by catching and sending me a specimen so I can get a fix regularly..

First things first, did I mention that I speak with a perfect Northern accent?

I was listening to Radio 4 the other day, as I often do when I need some strong opinions to agree with, and Laurie Taylor was discussing Chav (see a full definition here) obsession. What had begun as a derogatory term for the poor had evolved into a fashion statement. Laurie seemed surprised at this; clearly he doesn't live in my kind of neighbourhood. All I need do to see an example of Chav Fashion is to look across the street and see my wife coming home from the neighbours. (She seems to go there more and more these days.)

Chav culture is everywhere, in our bars, our clubs, our gay scene, even our TV screens. I never watch soap operas, there's enough drama in my life without importing it from Australia, but my wife informs me that all of them, from Eastenders to Emmadell, are now Chav dominated.

Regarding your particular problem. NLP has a technique that may help cure your cravings. Simply imagine your ideal Chav in your mind, and then push the image further and further away until you can hardly see it. This is also a useful way to handle Chav's in real life.

If this technique fails however, a Chav trap can be made quite easily by leaving an unlocked Ford Fiesta in the nearest council estate.

When the new occupant pulls up at the Petrol Station for Alcohol, Fags and Porn you can make a Citizens' arrest and threaten to turn them in unless he agrees to date you.

And if you want to get rid of him for any reason simply tell him you're pregnant. That way you're never seem him again, unless of course you're regular viewer of Crimewatch.

Hope this helps.


Marcus
The Freelance Guru is up for a Blog Award. (In the funniest blog category for some reason.)
If you'd like what you've read, or even if you don't, please take a moment to click over to best of Blogs and vote. And if you've voted before do it again. You can vote once a day! You can ever check out some of the competition while your there, although I wouldn't bother. No blog could be as enlightened as mine.
Have a question for the Guru?