Sunday 21 September 2008

Astrologers Vs Skeptics - The Guru Decides

Beth Tundridge
The Friendly Atheist is struggling to be friendly recently, over an ongoing debate with Astrologer Beth Turnage, who wrote a full review on the astrological reasons that David Foster Williams killed himself.

Now, as my Pilgrims know, I don't like a fight unless I'm involved in it, so I e-mailed Beth with a challenge.

I've been following your skeptic debate and would like to offer you a chance to prove your case. It would be very easy to silence the skeptics. In fact I can think of 2 ways for you to do it right now.

1) Successfully predict something.
If you can show that astrology actually can tell the future with a better than chance outcome than not only will the skeptics stop criticizing you but the scientific movement will be desperate to know you!

2) Do an accurate personality profile
Construct a personality profile for me which I can open up to honest review. If there are more hits than misses than possible by chance then people will have to agree this deserves a closer look.

It’s clear that you believe astrology is getting a bad rap from these people, and also clear that you strongly believe in it.
It would by very easy to prove it to the doubters.

Beth, keen for the challenge, posted her reply a few days after my E-mail. Nothing like the scientific method to rouse people into action it seems!

Firstly, in response to my challenge to predict something successfully she wrote

Successfully predict something? Already have and very publicly at that in these pieces:


Unfortunately, as I didn't say, "show me a time when you listened to rumor and claimed it as truth," this doesn't really answer my question. What I asked for was for a future prediction, instead she gave me 3 articles, that just happened to have turned out correct, out of the 100's on her site.

"I do have more hits than misses," she writes. Well, so do I, mostly because my wife yells at me when I make the seat wet. The difference between you and me is that every time I miss I keep a record of it (or rather my wife does and uses it against me at a later date). Where is your record? Show me your ratio of hits vs misses. This would be very easy to do, and very compelling evidence!

However, showing me an 'prediction' for Superbowl Sunday that sounds like every other Bookies prediction doesn't prove your point, even if you do mention a 'T-square configuration.' Personally, I thought you only got them on English Motorways

Finally on this point, we don't know if these articles have been edited since first release. Blogs are constantly updated, and old posts corrected, hence why I asked for a new prediction. This should be quite easy for an expert like you. Even I can do it I predict you will say that this post is closed-minded rubbish..

However, I'm not closed minded, I just seek evidence that can stand up to scrutiny. When you have a 6 year old child in the house you learn to question everything, like how the bathroom sink managed to overflow all on it's own, and all I'm doing is applying the same method to the claims you make.

In response to my second request, my personal profile, Beth writes

Do a successful personality profile? Well yes, I done that too. But doing yours I’m afraid wouldn’t silence the skeptics because they will tell you that you and your family will be subject to all sorts of the ‘manipulative techniques’ that us astrologers have in our bag of tricks.

Shame, I was hoping for a free Natal chart...

Fortunately, I have printed a personality analysis of the D. C. Madam, Deborah Jean Palfry, which was done without speaking or knowing about her in this piece:
D. C. Madam Suicide and Astrology: Was Death Written in the Stars?

See, here's the thing. I don't really speak, or know Sarah Palin, but if she was to commit suicide tomorrow (here's hoping) I'm pretty sure I could make a fair assessment of her character and personality. People who are always in the news tend to sink into our consciousness whether we like it or not. It's also somewhat hard to believe that Beth knew nothing about Deborah when her astrological Profile contains quotes from Deborah's Family.

So, despite this compelling evidence, I remain unconvinced. It's not that I doubt Beth truly believes, I just don't think this evidence backs up her claim. Most of my pilgrims believe in something stupid, like Ghosts, Psychics or Jesus Christ, and none of their beliefs ever hold up to testing. Beth, I'm afraid, will not be treated any differently, no matter how many times she uses the word Uranus in her posts.

But what do you think? Has Beth actually proven her case? Am I being too Harsh? Has she managed to outsmart the Freelance Guru?

Comment and let me know.

Marcus

Wednesday 17 September 2008

Seven Ways to Locate your Lover

Sexy girl in school uniform
September. The summer holidays are over and as the traffic begins to multiply exponentially, one reader has asked me a question about her 'back to school' experience.
Dear Guru

Will I get a boyfriend at High School

Issy
Dear Pilgrim.

I am not fond of Divination. For one thing, peering into the future involves dabbling with things mankind is not meant to know, and for another, it's a complete load of rubbish. However, with such a future based question, I had no choice but to consult the Oracles of my youth. And as the answer Playboy gave me didn't seem appropriate, I turned to the I-Ching instead.
Wu-Wang
Under heaven is the thunder
People mix in innocence without any Problem
The ancient kings accordingly fed the innumerable orphans with harvest of the season.
As far as I can tell, this means that by embracing your innocence you will lose it when a man called Oldking feeds his seed to you. Eastern mysticism is so very beautiful.

While I somewhat doubt the accuracy of this reading, there are some things you can do to increase your chances of finding love this year.

  1. Get a boyfriend.
    Any one will do. According to Murphy's law people only start to show interest in you when you are unavailable. Take yourself off the market and demand for you will rise.

  2. Turn Gay
    Has the same outcome as getting a boyfriend, with the added benefit that men want to date you so they can watch.

  3. Love Yourself
    This is essential for any young person seeking love. Only when you love yourself can you allow someone else to love you. And when they do you're be able to show them where to put their fingers for best results.

  4. Sexy girl in school uniformStudy Grease
    When Sandy wanted her guy she didn't sit around waiting for him. She went out and got him, changing her entire personality along the way. With this technique, and some dance moves from the 50's, boys will find you irresistible.

  5. Copy the Popular Girls
    Who are the girls in your school that the guys fall for? The girls that have a 15 month waiting list and their names written on the boys bathroom door (normally followed by 'is a slut')? Obviously these are the kind of women the boys want, for so it can't hurt to model yourself on them.

  6. Find Mr Right Now
    Most people believe that there is only 1 person for them. However if this were true then the odds of finding your true love would be around 1 in 6 billion and marriage counsellors would have a hard time getting clients. Everyone has just has many flaws as everyone else. Just make sure your guy has the right strengths for you, such as knowing where to put his fingers without your help, and work on the rest from there.

  7. Ignore everything on this list
    Love is one of those annoying things that tends to up when your least looking for it, or, in my case, when you're trying to get the bathroom. Acting desperate only works for suburban housewives and drunk gay men. If you can start this year being happy alone, then you're more likely to end it being happy as part of a duo. And, worst comes to worst, at least you won't have anyone stealing the duvet covers from you.
Finally, I'm sure as well that my pilgrims have some more sensible ideas and will leave them in the comments to this post, so it will be worth looking there to see what they have to say.

Hope this helps

Marcus

Love, of a certain kind, lives at Humor Blogs

Tuesday 9 September 2008

Why does it always rain on us?

As most of my Pilgrims 's are unemployed they have a lot of time to stare out the window and think.

Xander was looking out the window the other day and decided to ask me this question.
Why is it that when it's hot it's too hot and when it's cold, it's too cold. Why are we never happy?
Union jack umbrellas in the rainIn fact, this happens less often than you may Imagine. Around the word there is only a small number of countries that complain about the weather, and you can probably guess which one does it the most.

A Google search for "weather Complain" results in a whole first page devoted to pages ending .co.uk. Considering there are 5 times as many .com pages on the web than .co.uk ones this is quite an achievement. in fact pitting "moan weather .co.uk" against "moan weather .com" comes in at 5 to 2. Britain is a nation of moaners, and I don't, unfortunately, mean that in a good way.

(Although doing a Google Search for the term "Guru Is Stupid" comes in with 2,590,000 results, so I'm not sure how reliable this method is...)

It makes you wonder what exactly it is we Brits have to moan about. It may be that our weather is unpredictable but on a global scale, it is remarkably boring. We don't often have to contend with blizzards or tornado's, even a 'strong storm' is a rarity. It's not even like our weather is unique. The weather is just as interesting in France and Germany and they don't moan about it half as much as we do. In fact human beings are highly advanced at Thermoregulation, and in all due theory, should feel comfortable no matter what the heat outside.

So why do we spend so much time criticizing the weatherman?

Xander asked me a question before about why his workmates great him by saying 'alright?' and the answer to both his questions is the same. The English moan about the weather as way of opening conversation. It is a safe topic of conversation that is unlikely to cause offense, and very unlikely to result in a serious conversation that would require the anyone to actually put any effort in. The rules on weather conversation are actually quite clear. If it's sunny it's too hot, If it's chilly it's too cold, if it's raining they'll be floods tomorrow and if it's snowing they'll be traffic jams and 3 foot of snow by the morning. If anyone ever dared to say that actually they rather like it when it's raining their fellow conversationalists would be so confused they would most likely stand there fumbling for a while before finally excusing themselves to go find someone more sane to chat too.

As such English moan about the weather as a way of shaking hands with each other. A simple statement that everyone can agree with, no-one has to think about, and has almost no possibility of accidentally becoming a serious question.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

Every day is a sunny day at Humor Blogs
This blog exists because of your questions. Ask your questions and help this worthy cause.

Wednesday 3 September 2008

E.T. Phones Home: Farmer annoyed in Morning

It astounds me that the Human Race, not content with having ruined its own planet, deeply wants to believe that there is another species out there ruining its own.

In fact we believe it so badly that often we are willing to take the feeblest things as proof, many of which I'm sure you'll tell me about in the comments.

Beautiful Crop CircleTake Crop Circles. Here we have a complex form of UFO communication which is completely incomprehensible to humans, making the whole thing something of a worthless venture. You would think that any race clever enough to fly the interstellar distances to Earth and create complex patterns in the fields of Cornwall would also be clever enough to have learnt English. Or at least French. But instead they communicate in complex, geometric, apparently meaningless patterns, which just happen to look very much like they were created with a piece of wood and a bit of string, and mostly serve the purpose of Irritating Farmers.

Xenu Gave me an Anal ProbeFurthermore, logic dictates that any race advanced enough to travel to earth would either be completely adept at hiding themselves or would have made bloody sure that we knew they existed by now. Instead all they do is create a few lights in the sky which look remarkably like Airplanes, make a few cows die unexpectedly, or fulfill the anally obsessed sexual fantasies of insane people. What is it with Aliens and Anal Probes anyway? How much can you actually learn by the use of entroscopy?

But of course, as any true believer knows, Aliens have given us proof of their existence multiple times. But the world Governments keep covering it up. The Government, the same people who managed to leave a top secret terrorist document on the train, and leaked Private information about it's Veterans, have somehow managed to effect a worldwide cover up, silencing thousands of witness, hiding evidence in the top-secret, yet strangely well known, Area 51, and convincing the Aliens to keep hush-hush from now on. There are some reasons to believe this, it nicely explains the US Deficit for example, however, it is also believed that George Bush is secretly a member of Mensa and simply plays dumb to appeal to the American Voter. I leave my Pilgrims to decide for themselves, although I realise that may result in most of you making the wrong decision.

The few aliens that are out there are probably not in the habit of taking day trips to our humble planet just to probe some hicks, scare a few cows, ruin some fields and speed off before anyone can get a decent photograph. There are already people on these planets that do all these things, they're called tourists. And for now at least, they're more than enough for the world to cope with, without needing to invent space tourists as well.

What kind of evidence would you need to make you believe in Aliens? Comment and let me know!
Marcus
Read part 1 of this article on Extra Terrestrial Beings
All Crop Circles lead to Humor Blogs

Monday 1 September 2008

Coming out

Enlightenment in the church
The day my Most Exalted Calling was revealed to me I ran all the way home. Having wasted my life in the office, I abandoned it at once, and sprinting home to my wife, hugged her till her feet left the floor.

"I have found the light!" I declared, "I have discovered truth and foreseen my Destiny! I have found Salvation"

I held her in my arms and in that moment our souls became one, our love binding us together, our minds melding as one. A reverend silence reverberated throughout the universe as we lost ourselves in each other’s eyes. It was a single moment of perfection that seemed to last forever.

Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime of awed silence, she spoke.
"You stink!” she said, pushing me away. “And what are you doing home so early?”
This, I will be honest, was not the response I was hoping for, but nonetheless, I rallied on.
"I quit my job!”
This, it seemed, came as a surprise. “What?” she said, a flurry of emotions fighting for space on her beautiful face.
“I was wasting my life there. A greater calling has been given me, one no office can fulfil!" I delivered the line flawlessly having practiced it all the way home.. Sir Ian McKellen would have been proud of me.
My wife’s performance however, was somewhat less elegant.
"You’re fucking kidding me right?"
"No!" I drew her back towards me, "I am chosen! I am blessed! I will teach the world the folly of its ways!"
"Are you crazy?" She broke my embrace again, "You quit your bloody job!"
"I..." For some reason she wasn't taking this as well as I'd hoped, "I have no need for the world of 9 to 5! My world is one of infinite possibility. I am free. My Destiny is written. My ‘job’ is to change the world! "
"So you quit your job?"
“I...I...”
I stuttered to a halt, my rhetoric faltering in her merciless onslaught.
“Look,” I said, taking her hands in mine and sighing deeply, "You seem to be missing the point here...."

6 days later she finally gave up caring.

I still find wonder if she understands the decisions I made on that blesséd day. Sometimes, when I head to my pole, she turns her back on me and mutters to herself. You would think that as a successful Guru, with over 50 followers, she would be proud of me. But instead she simply worries about the overdue Gas Bill or where My Little Girl’s next meal will come from. Sometimes, I worry she has no clue of the things in life that are truly important.

The life of the prophet is always a life of struggle. And for some reason however, my family isn’t willing to struggle along with me....

Marcus
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