Pole-ing the heathens.

Whilst listening to Radio 4’s news pod during my morning meditation I was shocked to hear of the conviction of self declared ‘Osama Bin London,’ Mohammed Hamid. It wasn’t his conviction that shocked me. The man is a groomer of young Muslims fundamentalists after all. Nor was it his crimes. Religious terror is practically background noise here: twice a month the police knock on my door to check I’m not plotting any terrorism. I welcome the visits: it means my wife has to tidy the house up.

What shocked me is that he truly believes the way to convert people to Islam is to kill them. He is not alone in this belief of course, even I can see the perks, say when my mother-in-law comes to visit, but no one ever seems to notice the flaw in this plan. There is something inherently mixed up about a method of evangelising that involves a rucksack of TNT and a one-way trip the Northern Line.

It reminds me of the Evangelical Christians who shout through megaphones at innocent shoppers, declaring, despite all evidence to the contrary, that ‘Jesus makes you whole.' I wonder if they realise that for every one person they might possibly convert this way, hundreds of thousands go away believing more than ever that religious people are absolutely crazy.

I, for one, see no point trying to convert others. Everyone has a different path to enlightenment and all come to it at different times, be it through a light on the road to Galilee or a stuffed snake on top of a monitor. I testify by sitting on my pole for 8 hours a day. That way all can see how wise, noble and calm I am. I like to think that the people who point, laugh and shout insults at me, learn from my example and leave a little bit wiser.

Well, that, or that they die in their sleep.

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Presidential Predictions

A seeker of truth has sought me for advice.

Dear Freelance Guru
Can you tell me who win the 2008 Election, preferably before they stop taking bets?

Congressional Gambler.

Thank you for your question, seeker of enlightenment.

You fail to mention which election you are interested in. I, for one, am eagerly awaiting the results of the 2008 Bristol Book Club Elections. My money’s on Irene: her policy on multi-genre reviewing etiquette has made her quite a hit with the younger generation. Although, of course, I have evolved beyond the concept of wealth and no longer indulge in gambling. I always lose anyway.

I have been watching the American elections with great interest. It may surprise you to know that the average pole-based British hermit pays attention to such things, but it will affect me just as much as the rest of the free world. For one thing I wouldn’t understand the jokes on have ‘I Got News For You.’ And besides, if you want to get anywhere when conversing with the infinite, it helps to be up on gossip.

But if I had precognition, I would have gained my fortune by now thanks to a 12 season contract with Fox. As I don’t yet have my own prime time show, it is safe to assume I do not have the gift of foresight and can not confirm where best to place your bet. But it does seem to me, and Luke agrees, that the candidate to back is John McCain for 3 good reasons:

1. As for the mud-flinging Democrats, to quote the great Philosopher Sam Fox, ‘When two people mud wrestle, even the winner ends up covered in mud.’ America does not want a dirty President, unless, of course, they’re prepared to lie about it.
2. All who truly think America is ready for a black / female president raise your hand and say ‘Duuuuuuurrrrrrr!’
3. And finally, his name – ‘John Mc-Cain.’ Three strong, all-American syllables. Whereas, Hilary Clinton has the word ‘Clinton’ in it and Barack Obama sounds like a Al-Qaeda training camp.

Of course, by the time the primaries are over, John McCain may well be dead. But, based on recent history, the American public would probably still elect him anyway.

Hope this helps,
Blessings and peace be with you as you march towards enlightenment via the bookies on the corner.

Marcus
The Freelance Guru

Are you seeking wisdom? The Freelance Guru has the answers!

The Calling

I don't know if it's enlightenment or if the air is just thin up here, but I feel led to share my story.

I was on my third cup of tea, and contemplating deeply on the path to the perfect brew, when it occurred to me. 'Marcus,' I thought, 'start a blog! It makes perfect sense. You're on top of this pole 9-5, 5 days a week, and one can't meditate all the time. Why not use the time to give something back to the earth-crawlers?' It was all rather surprising as I hadn't been expecting my next enlightenment until Tuesday.

Of course I realise that to many of you, my efforts will be wasted. It takes a beautiful, wise and modest soul, like my own, to truly appreciate the message I bring. But I must try; After all, I have so much to give. Truly with me at the helm, this blog will be a blessing to the world.

Consider it my gift to you. I will teach you my wisdom, I will answer your questions, and little by little I will train you in the true nature of the world, as seen from a 15 foot pole overlooking Bristol.

Yes, my disciples, your path to enlightenment begins here . To quote the great philosopher Lao-tze, 'A journey of a thousand miles begins with a road map and a full tank of gas.'

This is your road map. You will have to find the gas yourself.

Ask the Guru - Your questions

Because of my great wisdom, people have come to my blog from miles around seeking enlightenment from me. These are the questions my pilgrims have asked me.

If you wish to seek my spiritual guidance the way lies here.

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Are you lost on the road to enlightment and seeking some direction? Has life passed you a conundrum that needs the wisdom of solomon? Are you having trouble getting the dishwasher to clean your glasses?
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