Simon is blogging again!

For those of you that are still here, I've started a new blog, on a slightly different topic, over at spiritualatheist.co.uk.

It will still be the same style of writing although maybe just a little more mature now, and with a little bit more information and opinion thrown in for good measure.

Take a look and give me some tips on how to make it better. 

Who or What is the Freelance Guru

A brief history of the Freelance Guru

Not long ago, I sold insurance for a living. This was as awful as it sounds and twice as depressing. Then, one day, the toy snake on top of my monitor smiled at me. Right then, I realised I was wasting my life in a cascade of career prospects, pay packets and plastic tasting coffee. If a stuffed toy with no job and no money was happy why could I not be?

Praise for the Guru
The next time I find myself meddled with one of life's many uncertainties, be sure I will ask The Guru.

Joshua

Until I read The Freelance Guru, I thought all gurus were smelly old opinionated men who cackled madly and gave nonsensical advice. Now I know that they don't have to be old or smelly!

Avitable

Even my husband goes to read it!

Shelly

Part ghandi, two parts candy and three parts Jack Handey [...] and most importantly, I believe he shares my love of orgies.

Canucklehead

What in thunder are you doing on top of a pole?
No, on second thought, don’t tell me...

Dora

Despite my wife's protests, I quit my job and erected a Guru's pole in my garden, a more complicated task than you may imagine. Taking only those things essential to life, such as my mobile phone, my laptop and my Nivea intensive-care moisturiser, I climbed atop of my hermits’ erection and set myself to finding enlightenment.

Several days later, I achieved my goal.

Now, I return to my pole 8 hours a day (with the exception of Bank Holidays and weekends) to change the world. My mission is simple: I will enlighten all who come to me. Through the wisdom of the infinite, and with the aid of Luke, the toy snake who revealed my path to me, I will teach them all the error of their ways. Together, we will discover their destiny.

I am the Freelance guru − fountain of knowledge in the desert of ignorance, giver of light in a land of darkness, and the best mantra chanter in the south-west of England.

Allow me to enlighten you.

The Purpose of the Freelance Guru Blog

This blog is for those who cannot walk the hazardous path to my back garden, yet seek my infinite wisdom.

In its pages I answer the questions of all that come to me. Any who seek answers will find them here, and even those who seek nothing will leave wiser than whence they came. Through this blog's message even the most lost of Pilgrims may find his own path to the infinite.

It is a place for me to share new enlightements, teach the wisdom of the infinite to the searching masses, and keep me occupied during Pilgrim downtime.

It is the blog of the Freelance Guru. And it is the greatest gift the Internet will ever give you.

Marcus

McFeng-shui

A Californian McDonalds has employed a feng shui expert to improve their customers’ fortune. The fast-food restaurant, now awash with water features and bamboo plants, hopes the oriental technique will improve their patrons’ luck. Presumably, if you have a Happy Meal there now you’ll actually burn-off calories thanks to the restaurants energy flow. That, after all, is the kind of fortune most McDonalds lovers need.

I tried to feng shui my pole once, but every expert had different ideas. It became very confusing. One day my waterfall was in my right hand, the next in my left. With the lucky bamboo in my other hand, it was difficult to use my laptop, especially as it was balanced on my head at the time. To be honest, I spent most of the time worrying I would drop my money tree, which wasn't cheap after all, and any benefits were somewhat lost on me.

But I do wish the restaurant luck: I believe they will need it; an arbitrary arrangement of expensive ornaments will be somewhat wasted on customers who are too busy suffering from obesity-induced total coronary failure to notice. McDonalds needs all the oriental-placebo it can get.

Personally, I don't hold with any of that oriental nonsense. I'll stick to good old-fashioned meditative communication with the infinite, thank you very much! That's something I can truly believe in.

Besides - I prefer Burger King.

Marcus

I have an answer. Are you ready with the question?

• Who is Simon?
• Why do we celebrate Mothers' day?
• What is the point of fundamental Religion?

Pole-ing the heathens.

Whilst listening to Radio 4’s news pod during my morning meditation I was shocked to hear of the conviction of self declared ‘Osama Bin London,’ Mohammed Hamid. It wasn’t his conviction that shocked me. The man is a groomer of young Muslims fundamentalists after all. Nor was it his crimes. Religious terror is practically background noise here: twice a month the police knock on my door to check I’m not plotting any terrorism. I welcome the visits: it means my wife has to tidy the house up.

What shocked me is that he truly believes the way to convert people to Islam is to kill them. He is not alone in this belief of course, even I can see the perks, say when my mother-in-law comes to visit, but no one ever seems to notice the flaw in this plan. There is something inherently mixed up about a method of evangelising that involves a rucksack of TNT and a one-way trip the Northern Line.

It reminds me of the Evangelical Christians who shout through megaphones at innocent shoppers, declaring, despite all evidence to the contrary, that ‘Jesus makes you whole.' I wonder if they realise that for every one person they might possibly convert this way, hundreds of thousands go away believing more than ever that religious people are absolutely crazy.

I, for one, see no point trying to convert others. Everyone has a different path to enlightenment and all come to it at different times, be it through a light on the road to Galilee or a stuffed snake on top of a monitor. I testify by sitting on my pole for 8 hours a day. That way all can see how wise, noble and calm I am. I like to think that the people who point, laugh and shout insults at me, learn from my example and leave a little bit wiser.

Well, that, or that they die in their sleep.

Do you have an Question? The Guru has the Answer.
Ask the Guru and all will become clear.

The Calling

I don't know if it's enlightenment or if the air is just thin up here, but I feel led to share my story.

I was on my third cup of tea, and contemplating deeply on the path to the perfect brew, when it occurred to me. 'Marcus,' I thought, 'start a blog! It makes perfect sense. You're on top of this pole 9-5, 5 days a week, and one can't meditate all the time. Why not use the time to give something back to the earth-crawlers?' It was all rather surprising as I hadn't been expecting my next enlightenment until Tuesday.

Of course I realise that to many of you, my efforts will be wasted. It takes a beautiful, wise and modest soul, like my own, to truly appreciate the message I bring. But I must try; After all, I have so much to give. Truly with me at the helm, this blog will be a blessing to the world.

Consider it my gift to you. I will teach you my wisdom, I will answer your questions, and little by little I will train you in the true nature of the world, as seen from a 15 foot pole overlooking Bristol.

Yes, my disciples, your path to enlightenment begins here . To quote the great philosopher Lao-tze, 'A journey of a thousand miles begins with a road map and a full tank of gas.'

This is your road map. You will have to find the gas yourself.

Ask the Guru

Are you lost on the road to enlightment and seeking some direction? Has life passed you a conundrum that needs the wisdom of solomon? Are you having trouble getting the dishwasher to clean your glasses?
The guru has the answer, but first you must ask the question....

Read all the previous questions here

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