Because the wife has decided we aren't bonding as a family recently she's taking My Little Girl and I to Disneyworld. God knows where she got the money from; it certainly didn't come from me - all of my Giro goes on Guru expenses. Obviously her illegal day care centre is growing in popularity. It's certainly messing the house p more than it used to. I mean, honestly, the woman stays at home all day, you'd think she could at least tidy up as a bit.
As the Man of the household it's apparently my job to pack the suitcase.
Airports are crazy about safety at the moment, scanning your bags, your toothpaste, your il etc and I have enough trouble with the police force as it is. There's something about a man up a pole that makes people nervous, and the local constabulary still visit every other month to check that I haven't built a bomb yet.
So the last thing I want to do is put something in our suitcase I'm not supposed to. I'm flying to America after all, the home of terrorism, and the cute little colour scheme they have to let the terrorists know when it's safe to attack. So I've been reviewing the latest guidelines for airport security and here are some of the things you are not allowed in your luggage.
- Tweezers
Because I don't know about you but there's no better way of passing time on a long haul flight than by styling my eyebrows - Knitting needles
"Take this plane to Washington, or I'll make you wear this itchy sweater." - Billiard, snooker or pool cues
Not for any saftey reason, but the stewedess get bored of being prodded by them. - Catapults
Dennis the Menace takes down a boeing 747 - Darts
50 points if you can hit the air marshall - Poisons, arsenic, cyanide, weedkiller
I'm not even allowed this in the hold. Surely if I want to destroy some weeds, or kill somebody when I land that's my business? - Wet car cell batteries
But how will I power my mobile phone? - Radioactive materials
But I never go anywhere without my uranium 232 - Flammable liquids and solids
So no deodrant, hairspray, clothing... - Infectious substances
So you're telling me I can't take this plague carrying rat to the Americas? - Magnetrons
The other X-men characters are allowed however - Organic peroxides
If you don't do what I say right now everyone on this plane ends up looking like Eminem - Tools Toy/replica guns (metal or plastic)
Real guns however don't appear to be a problem.
