The Freelance Guru: Seven Ways to Locate your Lover

September. The summer holidays are over and as the traffic begins to multiply exponentially, one reader has asked me a question about her 'back to school' experience.

Dear Guru

Will I get a boyfriend at High School

Issy

Dear Pilgrim.

I am not fond of Divination. For one thing, peering into the future involves dabbling with things mankind is not meant to know, and for another, it's a complete load of rubbish. However, with such a future based question, I had no choice but to consult the Oracles of my youth. And as the answer Playboy gave me didn't seem appropriate, I turned to the I-Ching instead.

Wu-Wang
Under heaven is the thunder
People mix in innocence without any Problem
The ancient kings accordingly fed the innumerable orphans with harvest of the season.

As far as I can tell, this means that by embracing your innocence you will lose it when a man called Oldking feeds his seed to you. Eastern mysticism is so very beautiful.

While I somewhat doubt the accuracy of this reading, there are some things you can do to increase your chances of finding love this year.

Get a boyfriend.
Any one will do. According to Murphy's law people only start to show interest in you when you are unavailable. Take yourself off the market and demand for you will rise.
Turn Gay
Has the same outcome as getting a boyfriend, with the added benefit that men want to date you so they can watch.
Love Yourself
This is essential for any young person seeking love. Only when you love yourself can you allow someone else to love you. And when they do you're be able to show them where to put their fingers for best results.
Study Grease
When Sandy wanted her guy she didn't sit around waiting for him. She went out and got him, changing her entire personality along the way. With this technique, and some dance moves from the 50's, boys will find you irresistible.
Copy the Popular Girls
Who are the girls in your school that the guys fall for? The girls that have a 15 month waiting list and their names written on the boys bathroom door (normally followed by 'is a slut')? Obviously these are the kind of women the boys want, for so it can't hurt to model yourself on them.
Find Mr Right Now
Most people believe that there is only 1 person for them. However if this were true then the odds of finding your true love would be around 1 in 6 billion and marriage counsellors would have a hard time getting clients. Everyone has just has many flaws as everyone else. Just make sure your guy has the right strengths for you, such as knowing where to put his fingers without your help, and work on the rest from there.
Ignore everything on this list
Love is one of those annoying things that tends to up when your least looking for it, or, in my case, when you're trying to get the bathroom. Acting desperate only works for suburban housewives and drunk gay men. If you can start this year being happy alone, then you're more likely to end it being happy as part of a duo. And, worst comes to worst, at least you won't have anyone stealing the duvet covers from you.

Finally, I'm sure as well that my pilgrims have some more sensible ideas and will leave them in the comments to this post, so it will be worth looking there to see what they have to say.

Hope this helps

Marcus

Love, of a certain kind, lives at Humor Blogs