How to market the Chav Olympics

Following on from my previous posts on the topic of Chavs a reader writes,

Dude!!!

How's it hanging?

Right...I, like yo it seems, have a clear distate for the scum that litters our streets; not the chip wrappers or empty bog rolls, but the eloquently named "chavs"

I have an amazing plan to help clean up the sreets but am unsure of marketing technique.

Scenario - The Chav Olympics

Several chavs are asked to run the 100metre hurdles under the belief that the winner can have much beer, fags and un-protected sex. However at the finish line are a few of your average joe, hard working, chav hating guys. They have 9 irons, 2 by 4's, bats, hockeys sticks etc etc...

As the Chavs leap the final hurdle it is their job to crack em as hard as possible across the jaw, hopefully shattering it...the winner is determined by distance travelled. I.e, the guy that cracks the chav the furthest wins and gets to walk down his street wothout the fear of his house getting done over while he's geting the newspaper...

So...question...how can I market this and make it happen???

Much Love,
Stevee

As an enlightened soul, I am naturally against violence to all forms of life. Despite the fact that this definition may not apply to Chav's, I can not endorse you treating so many of my readers so aggressively. By their very nature Chavs know nothing making them a boon to me. And when you consider that most of their questions are along the line of 'Where's the nearest Off-License?' they're wonderfully easy for me to deal with.

However as the Olympics come to an end shortly, and the paralympics doesn't start for another 2 weeks, we do need something to fill the gap. As I can't be bothered to think of anything better, your idea will have to do.

There are 2 audiences for this event and both of them will need different marketing tactics.

Firstly, you need to attract the viewing public and the Chav Beaters. This can be done quite effectively through traditional advertising methods such as Television, poster campaigns and stupid youTube Videos. If you pepper the adverts with words longer than 4 letters they will be completely incomprehensible to Chav Kind and thus remain completely ignorant of your true intentions. Placing the ad's in a place where Chav's never go, such as school, will make doubly sure they remain unaware. As for Television advertising, you should be safe providing you avoid Channel 4.

An event like this will largely sell itself to the the viewing public without much effort. The combination of Chav's and baseball bats, rings like a circus to the average viewer, and nothing attracts a crowd like lots of dumb creatures and the possibility of seeing someone get hurt.

It should also be quite easy to get Sponsors for an event of this kind. In this case I would start with Channel 4...

Secondly you need to interest chavs in the games.
This can probably be achieved like this


Of course all Olympic ceremonies need a big opening event. Beijing gave an excellent example of this with their over-rehearsed, over-funded and over-whelming tribute to Communism. However for the Chav Olympics something simpler will probably suffice. A popular form of Chav entertainment is to drink cheap cider until someone throws up or gets arrested. If accompanied by Classical music and Fireworks I'm sure this would be highly entertaining.

Finally, you may want to consider involving some other Chav sports to make the games more excting. For example, while not include Drunken Chav Boxing, speed chain-smoking, and the old favourite, the flee from commitement.

I wish you the best of luck.

Marcus

Another Chav Olympic Sponsor is bound to be Humor Blogs

Seek and you shall find. Ask the Guru.

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The Meaning of The Word 'Chav'

After reading "To 'Catch a Chav'", one of my (possibly less educated) readers came to me with this question:

Dear Guru,

Chavs? Okay o' wise one up a pole - enlighten me and tell me why they are called Chavs. As a mere colonial, I have no clue what you are talking about!

Linda

Dear Pilgrim,

No-one is entirely sure when this vulgar term first crawled out of the swamp but there are many theories about it all of which are wrong.

Among the most popular beliefs is that 'Chav' is an Acronym for "Council House and Violence." This, however, is about as likely as Barrack Obama becoming the next President. There are also those who believe the word was used by the Women of Cheltenham Ladies College as a way of describing the young males of Cheltenham, or the 'Cheltenham Average.'

Those with slightly more education than your average "Council House Aggressive Vermin" however, believe the word has far older origins, dating back to the Gypsy word 'Chavi' or child. As a Chav is basically a dirty, thieving, unhealthy, swearing, homeless child with a back-to-front baseball cap this seems appropriate.

The word began as an derogatory term, used by the middle and upper classes, to describe the working class, Burberry wearing, council estate teenagers who spent most of their time smoking, drinking, and getting 'ASBOs' (Anti-Social Behaviour Orders). However, the word became overused by the Tabloids ("Rapists! Chavs! Murderers! Don't go outside!") and soon became embraced by the very people it was supposed to offend, the same way that 'Queer' has been embraced by the faggots. Their favourite lower class noun gone, the Upper class resorted to synonyms such as 'Townie', 'Pikey', or 'that filthy brat of a child in number 10' instead.

Nowadays Chavs can largely be seen hanging around Multi-storey car parks, drinking beer, smoking and using their mating call, illegally downloaded hip-hop played through a tinny mobile phone speaker, to lure the opposite sex into unprotected fumbles. As such they are highly proficient breeders, but, rather like sea-turtles, expect their offspring to raise themselves, the only difference being that Turtles will swim miles out of their way and face great hardship, to deposit their eggs safely on the beach whereas Chavettes will drink, smoke and get high during their pregnancy, only to sue the Hospital when their baby is born underweight. It will then be left to the Grandparents to raise the Child while the Chavette spends the next few years complaining to her homies about the 'sad ass d*ck of a father' who left her to raise her brat of a child on her own.

Hope this helps

Marcus

The one place you won't find Chavs is at Humor Blogs. Clicking there will help more people see this post however and educate themselves.

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Aiight Mate! An obsession with Chav Culture...

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Dear Mr Guru,

I watch far too much English television. This had lead to the situation where I find guys with accents from northern England (like Leeds) irresistible.

Please help with a suggested cure, or perhaps by catching and sending me a specimen so I can get a fix regularly..

First things first, did I mention that I speak with a perfect Northern accent?

I was listening to Radio 4 the other day, as I often do when I need some strong opinions to agree with, and Laurie Taylor was discussing Chav (see a full definition here) obsession. What had begun as a derogatory term for the poor had evolved into a fashion statement. Laurie seemed surprised at this; clearly he doesn't live in my kind of neighbourhood. All I need do to see an example of Chav Fashion is to look across the street and see my wife coming home from the neighbours. (She seems to go there more and more these days.)

Chav culture is everywhere, in our bars, our clubs, our gay scene, even our TV screens. I never watch soap operas, there's enough drama in my life without importing it from Australia, but my wife informs me that all of them, from Eastenders to Emmadell, are now Chav dominated.

Regarding your particular problem. NLP has a technique that may help cure your cravings. Simply imagine your ideal Chav in your mind, and then push the image further and further away until you can hardly see it. This is also a useful way to handle Chav's in real life.

If this technique fails however, a Chav trap can be made quite easily by leaving an unlocked Ford Fiesta in the nearest council estate.

When the new occupant pulls up at the Petrol Station for Alcohol, Fags and Porn you can make a Citizens' arrest and threaten to turn them in unless he agrees to date you.

And if you want to get rid of him for any reason simply tell him you're pregnant. That way you're never seem him again, unless of course you're regular viewer of Crimewatch.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

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