Birds! Don’t get me started! Everyone thinks birds are beautiful, graceful creatures. They glide on a few air currents or sing at first light and get songs or poetry written about them. But they become somewhat less poetic when I'm meditating on top of a 15 foot pole and they use me as a perch. During mating season, I had bits of twig and straw in my hair for weeks.
Ducks are the worst of all. They beguile children to give them bread with cute stories about turning into swans, and then they excrete all over the banks of lakes and rivers, causing innocent children to fall in. They cover their wings in water droplets and then shake them dry, soaking innocent bystanders. And when innocent Guru’s are blissfully meditating on the infinite, ducks fly up next to them and squawk loudly in their ear. Being shocked is never a good thing, but it's somewhat worse when you're delicately balanced on a pole 15 foot above the ground.
I get my revenge however. Because their legs and feet have 3 times more blood running through them than the flying muscles do, ducks tuck a leg into their feathers when they sleep to conserve heat. Luckily for me, this makes them very unstable.
Have you ever indulged in Duck Tipping? It helps keep me occupied during the early part of spring. Simply creep up to a sleeping duck and give them a quick nudge. Being nudged is never a good thing, but it becomes somewhat worse when you're delicately balanced, standing on one leg, on a perch 15 foot off the ground.
There’s nothing quite as satisfying as a rudely awoken duck.
Hope this helps.
The best man’s speech is the most anticipated of the whole wedding day.
After the emotionally sappy speech from the Father of the Bride and the
gushing spe...
9 years ago
16 Comments:
Parrots seem to keep both claws firmly on the branch when they're asleep. Putting a knob of gum on the beak is my preferred chastisement. I wonder what advice you'd have given The Ugly Duckling?
Mr Bananas - Suicide
i find your duck advise very sound. unfortunately, we do not have that many ducks in my area. but, we do have an excess of the pigeons that poops all over the place and are generally a nuisance. what would you recommend as a solution?
Ally - What do you always do to get rid of rats? Call in the royal marine infantry.
Failing that, please see my previous answer.
You heartless guru, you. Just wait until someone does it to you.
They'd need to have the silence of a ninja. Months of duck spotting has given me exceptional hearing...
"During mating season, I had bits of twig and straw in my hair for weeks."
So, mating ducks on your head didn't interrupt the meditation, just the twigs?
And I bet you got pooped on... LOL!
Scarlet - Ducks mate in the water, so as to educate children in sexual reproduction before their parents are ready to tell them. The bits of straw and twig where their attempts to build nests on my head. One duck actually went so far as to lay an egg. When it rolled of my head and hit my groin I very nearly did the same.
Michael - I have been forced to make certain modifictions to prevent this. All will be revealed...
If you COULD lay an egg, what a showbiz career you would have!!
Certainly more entertaining than anything Orlando Bloom could do. (That useless block of wood actor that he is!!! The Thunderbirds have a better range than him.)
Oh wise one, thank you for showing that ducks also need the attention they deserve.
But please tell me why my car has become the bullseye for all bird droppings when it is not even close to a tree or building?
If you want to piss something off, try bull tipping, only watch out for the cow patties as you run like hell out of the field. :)
Scarlet - Odd. I thought Bloom laid an egg with every movie his ever been in.
Grimm - Your question has been noted and will be used against you at later date.
Say it -Presumably the bull has to watch out for the cow pats as well though. Slipping up when you're on four legs must be twice as scary.
We don't have any ducks around, but geese, and lots of them, have moved into the neighborhood. They are kind of mean!
Have you ever indulged in Duck Tipping?
Cant Say That I Have.
Being so unkind to ducks is just daffy! Guru, they only squawk at you because they love you. Meditate on that!
Post a Comment