Thursday 17 April 2008

10 Ways To Make It Big In Journalism.

Dear Guru,

Great to see you here with the feeelance advice?? What advice can you give me, I would like to persue freelance journalism???

സപ്ന അനു ബി. ജോര്‍ജ്ജ്

Stop the presses! I've got a press card in my hat!

Well, firstly, try limiting your use of terminal punction to once per scentence.

Secondly, Freelance Journalism seems an odd thing to pursue. I imagine you stalking through the words, a loaded pen over your shoulder. “Be vewy vewy quite. I’m hunting wumors.’

It's a difficult career, and the fact is that no matter what channels you use no-one will ever publish any of your work, give you any tips, or help you if you get hit by a bus. But if you are willing to try anything, here are some more unique ways to get your foot in the door.

  1. Don’t. Most people are not meant for Freelance Journalism the same way that most people are not meant to be parents. Just because lots of people attempt it doesn’t make them any good.

  2. Hang around post-boxes and steal the post of anyone who looks like a writer. Claim their ideas, and postage stamps, as your own.

  3. Walk around with a ‘Press’ card stuck into your hat band.

  4. Get a gimmick. Write ‘and that’s not how Monkeys do it’ in every article you pen.

  5. Get a Dictaphone and secretly record your friends’ conversations. Type up the transcripts and use them to expose your friends as communists. This won’t help you get a job as a Freelance Journalist, it’s just something that needs to be done.

  6. Start a rumour that Mel Gibson experienced priestly child abuse.

  7. Find a celebrity who lives near you and begin stalking them. When they ask you to stop, complain that they’re elitist, arrogant and rude. Call up the tabloids to complain.

  8. Write about Princess Diana. This is almost always universally publishable.

  9. Stage a hunger strike until the local papers publish your article.

  10. Have an affair with some Communist Prostitutes and send an exposé on yourself to the tabloids.


Finally, do your research. Not all publications publish or want the same thing. Read things before you write to them. That way, for example, you may realise that not every blog with ‘Freelance’ in the title is about freelance journalism.

Hope this helps.


Marcus

4 Comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Shouldn't a "communist prostitute" give it away for free? I think you've invented a new euphemism. Unless you were talking about Castro.

jams o donnell said...

Surely writing about Diana is a ticket to a permanent position at he Express? I hear tell they have a massive underground bukner in wapping filled with journos that do nothing but Diana stories...

Would it help a budding freelancer to change their name to Lunchtime O Booze and put brandy on their cornflakes?

Unknown said...

Why on earth would anyone bother actually writing about Princess Diana, when really all you need to do is steal someone elses piece about her.

There has been so much written about her that it is to be expected that there will be double ups anyway. No one will be any the wiser.

Linda said...

Well, I - for one - refuse to write about Princess Diana as what's left to say and the poor woman should be allowed to rest in peace rather than being exploited even from the grave.

Do you think if I write a post about that it will help my Page Rank??