Showing posts with label body. Show all posts
Showing posts with label body. Show all posts

Saturday, 25 October 2008

Does a bear sh*t in it's sleep?

As my fame spreads and my life becomes more hectic, a reader has written to try and grab my attention...

Dear Guru
Animals in hibernation - do they get up to go to the loo or not? If not, how is that possible?

PS: you haven't written in a while had to ask something :)

Dear Pilgrim

Hibernation, like Sex, is something that everyone does differently. If you put a squirrel and a Black bear in the same bed, not only would there be a fight for the Duvet, they'd keep each other awake all winter. And, as in sex, if the bear ends up on top, things just gets messy.

Hibernating bear and humanHibernation is evolution at it's finest. Rather than tackle winter head on, like an ignorant human being, hibernating animals say, 'screw that', or would if they could talk, and sleep through winter instead. If humans could do this not only could we could save a fortune in insulation and clothing, we'd never have had to invent 'Winter Sports'.

To answer your question, smaller mammals, such as squirrels and shrews do go to loo during hibernation. They enter an extreme state of relaxation, dropping their body temperature to as low as -2°C. However, they can't survive this way for too long, and so, like an elderly man, or a horny teenage boy, find themselves getting up several times a night. Every few days, small mammels come out of hibernation to eat, excrete and watch TV, and any naturalist who stumbles into their burrow tends to find the rodents have fallen asleep whilst watching re-runs of Miss Marple.

Bears, however, do things differently. Before they go into hibernation they swallow pine cones, hair and bucket loads of stool hardeners, all of which work together to form a makeshift butt Plug. With this cork in place the bear curls up to sleep, slowing it's metabolism and dropping its body temperature by around 10 ° C. This allows it to sleep for up to 7 months without needing to defecate, urinate, or fight over the bedsheets. Often, it spends all winter in one position, living off it's own fat and muscle until springtime

To summarize; at least in the wintertime, bears do not Sh*t in the woods. By eating nothing and corking their colon, they spend the season in a constant state of constipation.

You can just imagine the queue for the toilets come spring.

Hope this helps

Marcus

This blog relies on your questions. Ask the Guru today!

Wednesday, 20 August 2008

How to market the Chav Olympics

Following on from my previous posts on the topic of Chavs a reader writes,
Dude!!!

How's it hanging?

Right...I, like yo it seems, have a clear distate for the scum that litters our streets; not the chip wrappers or empty bog rolls, but the eloquently named "chavs"

I have an amazing plan to help clean up the sreets but am unsure of marketing technique.

Scenario - The Chav Olympics

Several chavs are asked to run the 100metre hurdles under the belief that the winner can have much beer, fags and un-protected sex. However at the finish line are a few of your average joe, hard working, chav hating guys. They have 9 irons, 2 by 4's, bats, hockeys sticks etc etc...

As the Chavs leap the final hurdle it is their job to crack em as hard as possible across the jaw, hopefully shattering it...the winner is determined by distance travelled. I.e, the guy that cracks the chav the furthest wins and gets to walk down his street wothout the fear of his house getting done over while he's geting the newspaper...

So...question...how can I market this and make it happen???

Much Love,
Stevee
As an enlightened soul, I am naturally against violence to all forms of life. Despite the fact that this definition may not apply to Chav's, I can not endorse you treating so many of my readers so aggressively. By their very nature Chavs know nothing making them a boon to me. And when you consider that most of their questions are along the line of 'Where's the nearest Off-License?' they're wonderfully easy for me to deal with.

However as the Olympics come to an end shortly, and the paralympics doesn't start for another 2 weeks, we do need something to fill the gap. As I can't be bothered to think of anything better, your idea will have to do.

There are 2 audiences for this event and both of them will need different marketing tactics.

Firstly, you need to attract the viewing public and the Chav Beaters. This can be done quite effectively through traditional advertising methods such as Television, poster campaigns and stupid youTube Videos. If you pepper the adverts with words longer than 4 letters they will be completely incomprehensible to Chav Kind and thus remain completely ignorant of your true intentions. Placing the ad's in a place where Chav's never go, such as school, will make doubly sure they remain unaware. As for Television advertising, you should be safe providing you avoid Channel 4.

An event like this will largely sell itself to the the viewing public without much effort. The combination of Chav's and baseball bats, rings like a circus to the average viewer, and nothing attracts a crowd like lots of dumb creatures and the possibility of seeing someone get hurt.

It should also be quite easy to get Sponsors for an event of this kind. In this case I would start with Channel 4...

Secondly you need to interest chavs in the games.
This can probably be achieved like this


Of course all Olympic ceremonies need a big opening event. Beijing gave an excellent example of this with their over-rehearsed, over-funded and over-whelming tribute to Communism. However for the Chav Olympics something simpler will probably suffice. A popular form of Chav entertainment is to drink cheap cider until someone throws up or gets arrested. If accompanied by Classical music and Fireworks I'm sure this would be highly entertaining.

Finally, you may want to consider involving some other Chav sports to make the games more excting. For example, while not include Drunken Chav Boxing, speed chain-smoking, and the old favourite, the flee from commitement.

I wish you the best of luck.

Marcus
Another Chav Olympic Sponsor is bound to be Humor Blogs

Tuesday, 29 July 2008

How to be an Internet Billionaire

Oh great guru. I am convinced of your wisdom after reading only a single post. I am trying to make a billion dollars with my new website http://www.the-mayan-calendar.com while at the same time spreading a green message about the mayan calendar like you in your infinite wisdom have done so elegantly. I have already brought attention to your knowing ways at: http://www.the-mayan-calendar.com/mayan-myths.htm

How can I improve this? Being a Guru I know your time is valuable. I am only a student. Please bless me with a touch. And I tried calling you from Guatemala but your line was busy... What gives?

Dear Pilgrim,

I was once like you. Lost on an Endless pursuit for wealth. I worked more than 7 hours a day desperate for the miserable pay my Fat-Cat Bosses paid me, every penny of which was taken by my wife for food, clothes and her extravagant, but necessary, bin bag full of make-up.

I, like many before me, was caught in a trap, believing I could ‘work’ my way to freedom, I wasted my life begging for the next scrap of attention from my superiors.

And then I discovered ‘the $ecret to $uccess!

Now I spend my days in my dream home,


take the Vacations I want to take

and do the things I want to do.

In short I’m living my life the way I want too.

And now, I’m going to teach you how to be as successful as me.

This is not a ‘Get Rich Quick Scheme.’ This is a genuine way to Get Rich Quickly!

But don’t take my word see what these fictional people had to say!

“Thanks to this scheme I’m now earning so much money a week that I lose more than half of it as Tax! Thank you for helping me to make the country a better place!”
-Mr A Childs (Patriotic Champion)

“I love using exclamation marks but before they were just too expensive!!!! Thanks to your tips I’m can now use ‘multiple’ Exclamation marks without having to get an overdraft first!!!!!!!”
-Tara Blessing!!

“Before this scheme I was just a Gay Man. Now I’m a Gay Man with his own Cruise company!”
-Mr Randy Cruise

In this scheme I’ll teach you
  • How to rip off gullible people by creating web pages just like this one.
  • How to create sales fever by use Bold and Colour Randomly.
  • How to make sites look professional by adding a Bulleted List!
Using these simple techniques you can make money in your sleep!

So why isn’t everyone doing it? Because I won’t let them! Only a limited number of people know these secrets. People just like you. People eager to make millions with absolutely no effort. People capable of finding this website!

Buy my E-book today and start making money straight away.
Normally, this E-book would cost you $799.99. But today I’m letting you have it for
$69.95!

There are only
400
200
3
of these Fortune Making E-books left!


Don’t miss out on this once in a lifetime opportunity!
Order now and start your new $$$ life Today!


Marcus
Humor Blogs makes the whole world richer

Tuesday, 22 July 2008

9 Lessons the Yanks have taught me.

I thoroughly enjoyed my time is America. There was so much about it to enjoy.

Something about seeing my wife on the white knuckle rides, laughing, screaming, begging for it to stop... I don't know, but it reminded me of our early days together. Good times. And spending all that time with my family, after so many months spent up my pole... Well, it just warmed my heart. First time I've had heartburn in years

But now, after blessing the Yanks with my presence, I have returned to you. You must have missed me terribly. There there. Daddy's home.

The best thing about the holiday for me is that every new country I visit has more things to teach me you so long as one is humble enough to admit they have the intelligence to learn it. And so, for those of you who may not be as well travelled as I am, having gone to 2 countries other than my own in my life time, I present my observations of America.

  1. In America, Bumper stickers are really, really important.

  2. American's really, truly want you to have a nice day!

  3. Americans really are better looking that the English are. Having done a highly scientific survey on American and English Women, carefully studying them and rating their appearance on a variety of factors, including looks, measurements, and ‘Would I Do Her?’, I have determined that American women are at least 3 points more doable than English ones. My wife assures me the same was true for her; every single American she saw was, apparently, far more attractive than me.

  4. Techniques from the It’s a small world ride have been used to elicit confessions in Guantanamo bay.

  5. KFC should just not be served with Mashed Potato

  6. At $4 a Gallon your gas is one of the cheapest on the Planet. In the UK, petrol is at least £1,12 a litre. At 3.8 litres a Gallon that's £4.26 a Gallon. At the current conversion of 1.998 dollars to the Pound that's $8.51 a gallon. Quit whining so much!

  7. Mexicans and Brazilians only travel in large groups and wear the same, brightly, coloured T-shirts.

  8. Due to the short proportions of Disney Characters, the characters in Disney Parks are normally played by women as they are the short enough to fit in the suits. This means that when Mickey and Minnie hold hands or hug it’s actually kinda hot.

  9. And finally, Country and Western music is truly, truly awful.

Marcus

Wednesday, 21 May 2008

Aiight Mate! An obsession with Chav Culture...

This blog has a measly 30 Readers.
Please help me reach my target of 150 readers by the end of 2008
If you like this post tell a friend, or link to it.

You can Subscribe to the feed here

Dear Mr Guru,

I watch far too much English television. This had lead to the situation where I find guys with accents from northern England (like Leeds) irresistible.

Please help with a suggested cure, or perhaps by catching and sending me a specimen so I can get a fix regularly..

First things first, did I mention that I speak with a perfect Northern accent?

I was listening to Radio 4 the other day, as I often do when I need some strong opinions to agree with, and Laurie Taylor was discussing Chav (see a full definition here) obsession. What had begun as a derogatory term for the poor had evolved into a fashion statement. Laurie seemed surprised at this; clearly he doesn't live in my kind of neighbourhood. All I need do to see an example of Chav Fashion is to look across the street and see my wife coming home from the neighbours. (She seems to go there more and more these days.)

Chav culture is everywhere, in our bars, our clubs, our gay scene, even our TV screens. I never watch soap operas, there's enough drama in my life without importing it from Australia, but my wife informs me that all of them, from Eastenders to Emmadell, are now Chav dominated.

Regarding your particular problem. NLP has a technique that may help cure your cravings. Simply imagine your ideal Chav in your mind, and then push the image further and further away until you can hardly see it. This is also a useful way to handle Chav's in real life.

If this technique fails however, a Chav trap can be made quite easily by leaving an unlocked Ford Fiesta in the nearest council estate.

When the new occupant pulls up at the Petrol Station for Alcohol, Fags and Porn you can make a Citizens' arrest and threaten to turn them in unless he agrees to date you.

And if you want to get rid of him for any reason simply tell him you're pregnant. That way you're never seem him again, unless of course you're regular viewer of Crimewatch.

Hope this helps.


Marcus
The Freelance Guru is up for a Blog Award. (In the funniest blog category for some reason.)
If you'd like what you've read, or even if you don't, please take a moment to click over to best of Blogs and vote. And if you've voted before do it again. You can vote once a day! You can ever check out some of the competition while your there, although I wouldn't bother. No blog could be as enlightened as mine.
Have a question for the Guru?

Monday, 14 April 2008

Why Do Birds Always Poop On My Car?

Oh wise one,
Thank you for showing that ducks need the attention they deserve.

But please tell me why my car has become the bullseye for all bird droppings when it is not even close to a tree or building?

Grimm

A bird dropping hit car

My feelings on birds have been made clear, and I won't dwell on them here. Suffice to say, it was birds, and British weather, that forced me to install a clear Perspex roof over my pole. The birds found this hilarious and made it opaque within a day. I am convinced they do it deliberately. When you're stood 15 foot above the ground winged creatures perceive you as a threat and attack you anyway possible. I'm just glad horses haven’t learnt how to fly yet.

I could find no research on this topic (scientists largely being cyclists) but it is widely believed that birds have colour preferences. In nature they prefer to excrete in water, leaving no visible traces and keeping the location of their nests a secret. If your car is black, blue, or green, it may be that birds mistake it for a lake, pond or a public toilet.

They seem to especially enjoy splattering red cars. It is possible this is because they’re naturally attracted to red, the colour of berries, fruit and Virgin Broadband. Or it could simply be that birds hate a flashy car just as much as the next species.

If none of this rings true, perhaps you’re reincarnated from a python, Mongoose or Boeing 727. As you were an untimely cause of avian death in your past life, they are seeking their revenge in this one. Of course reincarnation is a fallacious fabrication with no basis in reality. But it is possible that no-one has told the birds this.

If you want to prevent birds from pooping on your car, there are several possible solutions.

You could:

  • Hire some one to stand next to your car waving a bird scarer whenever you park.
  • Cover your car in army camouflage equipment and leave it in the middle of a firing range,
  • Or replace your hood ornament with a live Falcon

Alternatively you can paint your car the colour of bird crap -this will at least save you from having to wash it.

To be honest though, the effort is largely wasted. Birds are much like the goverment. No matter what you do, they're still crap all over you.

Hope this helps


Marcus

Thursday, 3 April 2008

How to win the Lottery

Dear Guru

How can I win the Lottery but still keep it real?

Constant Winter

Dear Pilgrim,

Your question seems to be in 2 parts so I will answer as such.

1. How can I win the lottery

As I’ve said before, the pursuit of wealth is largely pointless. I haven’t gambled or worked for some time and the government have been extremely generous. Based on my experience, no-one need ever work at all.

However for those who wish to get rich through nationalised gambling, here are some things to bear in mind.

National lottery propaganda outside a newsagentFirstly, the vast majority of people do not win the lottery. The odds of hitting the jackpot are 1 in 13,983,816. You are more likely to become an astronaut, be killed by an item dropped from an aeroplane, or accidentally hang yourself than scoop the big one. Even the odds of winning £10 are 55.6 to 1 meaning that for every £56 you invest in the lottery you get about £10 back. As an investment, this is only slightly more reliable than a savings bond with Northern Rock.

The only way to make any serious gains with the lottery is to join a syndicate. Syndicates are groups of people that play the lottery together so that, like at an orgy, everyone gets a piece of the action. The more players in a syndicate the more chance you have of winning, however, the more winnings have to be shared out. This is like being at an orgy and being the last in line - what you're left with just might not be worth the effort.

If you are considering joining a syndicate, try to find one with around 13,983,816 members. At least that way you’ll almost certainly win your £1 entry fee back.

With the lotttery there is only one way to guarantee a win: get employed at your local newsagent and steal scratchcards, once a day, until you find a winner. This works doubly well, because by the time you do win you’ll have reached retirement age, and be able to leave your job without any awkward questions.

Finally, if all this gambling seems like too much hard work, consider running for President instead. You’re more likely to get elected than win the Jackpot anyway and the pay is significantly better.

And of course, when you’re President, you can go to all the orgies you like.

Hope this helps


Marcus

Part 2 Coming Soon - How to keep it real! Suscribe to the Freelance guru RSS to be the first to find out.

Wednesday, 26 March 2008

Helping Stacey Come

Dear Guru

Will Stacey be allowed to come tommorrow?

Darrenshine

What is stopping Stacey coming I wonder? Does she have an overly strict mother? A selfish lover? Is she forced to stay at home and cook for the children?

Does Stacey trust you? She may not want to come if she feels nervous around you. Stacey. As pictured by Google. Google has a vivid imagination however.When I feel anxious, I talk to my stuffed snake, Luke. Maybe you have a stuffed snake Stacey can talk too? Maybe stroking your snake will help her feel more relaxed about coming? Try to find an average sized snake however as most woman feel intimated by very big ones.

Perhaps Stacey is agoraphobic? Does she panic when she opens the door and sees how far away the horizon is? If so this would be why she cannot come as she cannot leave her house, and it may be necessary for you to come to her instead. Blinkering Stacey may help here! A riding crop may be needed however to make her come and keep her focused.

Maybe Stacey believes coming will send the wrong message. A woman must be careful, at least until marriage, after which she will probably never come when you want her to again. If she feels she can trust you she will come eventually. Treat her to some wine, this has encouraged many women to come before.

If however, it is Stacey’s mother stopping her from coming, more drastic measures are required. Engage all your charm by letting her mother come first. By giving her mother this honour and letting her come before her daughter she will be able to see you are a caring, non-threatening, morally erect gentlemen, and Stacey will be allowed to come before you know it. As an added bonus, this 'let them come first' technique works on fathers and husbands too.

Hope this helps.


Marcus

Saturday, 22 March 2008

Slightly Unbalanced Duck Tails

Dear Guru

Why do ducks tuck up one leg when sleeping?

Autolycus

Birds! Don’t get me started! Everyone thinks birds are beautiful, graceful creatures. They glide on a few air currents or sing at first light and get songs or poetry written about them. But they become somewhat less poetic when I'm meditating on top of a 15 foot pole and they use me as a perch. During mating season, I had bits of twig and straw in my hair for weeks.

Ducks are the worst of all. They beguile children to give them bread with cute stories about turning into swans, and then they excrete all over the banks of lakes and rivers, causing innocent children to fall in. They cover their wings in water droplets and then shake them dry, soaking innocent bystanders. And when innocent Guru’s are blissfully meditating on the infinite, ducks fly up next to them and squawk loudly in their ear. Being shocked is never a good thing, but it's somewhat worse when you're delicately balanced on a pole 15 foot above the ground.

I get my revenge however. Because their legs and feet have 3 times more blood running through them than the flying muscles do, ducks tuck a leg into their feathers when they sleep to conserve heat. Luckily for me, this makes them very unstable.

Have you ever indulged in Duck Tipping? It helps keep me occupied during the early part of spring. Simply creep up to a sleeping duck and give them a quick nudge. Being nudged is never a good thing, but it becomes somewhat worse when you're delicately balanced, standing on one leg, on a perch 15 foot off the ground.

There’s nothing quite as satisfying as a rudely awoken duck.

Hope this helps.


Marcus