Simon is blogging again!

For those of you that are still here, I've started a new blog, on a slightly different topic, over at spiritualatheist.co.uk.

It will still be the same style of writing although maybe just a little more mature now, and with a little bit more information and opinion thrown in for good measure.

Take a look and give me some tips on how to make it better. 

Madonna gets sticky. Sweet! - A review.

On Saturday, I went to see Madonna.

Now I know what you're thinking, but it wasn't to finally talk her out of Kaballah. Instead it was for the opening Gig of her new tour, Madonna - Sweet and Sticky. One of my wife's friends had brought too many tickets, so we snapped them up, left My Little Girl with the next door neighbours (who spent the while time telling her how useless I was,) and I booked a coach to Cardiff to see the Queen of pop.

Eventually, Almost 2 hours late, Madonna appeared on the stage.

The show was more extravagant than my Wife's cooking, and almost as scary. Through more than 20 songs. 16 dancers, and and more costumes than any 50 year old women should own, the highly sculpted icon forced herself onto the crowds consciousness. The women seems to be obsessed with sex, as she spent most of the concert writing on the floor. Either that or possibly she is epileptic. But there is something about Madonna that defies belief. Any other women of her age miming intercourse with men as young as me would be sold in the cross-gen section of the porn shop, yet, somehow, Madonna still eludes the sexiness of a teenager. You almost feel like you'd be arrested if you slept with her.

Controlling the crowd like the bitchy Argentinean First Lady she once portrayed so incorrectly, she worked her way through more remixed Pop than Coke-a-Cola as 5 Massive LCD screens floated around the stage, allowing her to perform pre-recorded duets with the likes of Kayne West and Justin Timberlake. and you can imagine my excitement when Britney Spears appeared on the screens as part of a new concept video for Human Nature.

Not to say that the show was all meaningless fun. The fourth act opened with a shameless plug for Barrack Obama, the man who obviously can't be President, and during Like a Prayer, the LCD screens tried to convince the crowd that all religions are the same thing, a ridiculous assertion which any Guru would tell her. The only true religion is the one that particular Guru Supports.

But no matter how controversial her politics or her remixes, Madonna has still got it. Despite being old enough to be my mother (I can certainly imagine her packing my lunchbox) her Dance version of Like a Prayer, and her Rock and Roll edition of Hung Up on You, left the crowd down on their knees begging for more. And when the LCD Screens closed around her one final time with 'Game Over' flashing on them like an antiquated Arcade machine, you knew that Madonna had years left in her yet. Like the old jukeboxes that used to play her records, all you need is another quarter and Madonna can entertain you all night long.

Marcus

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9 Lessons the Yanks have taught me.

I thoroughly enjoyed my time is America. There was so much about it to enjoy.

Something about seeing my wife on the white knuckle rides, laughing, screaming, begging for it to stop... I don't know, but it reminded me of our early days together. Good times. And spending all that time with my family, after so many months spent up my pole... Well, it just warmed my heart. First time I've had heartburn in years

But now, after blessing the Yanks with my presence, I have returned to you. You must have missed me terribly. There there. Daddy's home.

The best thing about the holiday for me is that every new country I visit has more things to teach me you so long as one is humble enough to admit they have the intelligence to learn it. And so, for those of you who may not be as well travelled as I am, having gone to 2 countries other than my own in my life time, I present my observations of America.

1. In America, Bumper stickers are really, really important.
   
   
2. American's really, truly want you to have a nice day!
   
   
3. Americans really are better looking that the English are. Having done a highly scientific survey on American and English Women, carefully studying them and rating their appearance on a variety of factors, including looks, measurements, and ‘Would I Do Her?’, I have determined that American women are at least 3 points more doable than English ones. My wife assures me the same was true for her; every single American she saw was, apparently, far more attractive than me.
   
   
4. Techniques from the It’s a small world ride have been used to elicit confessions in Guantanamo bay.
   
   
5. KFC should just not be served with Mashed Potato
   
   
6. At $4 a Gallon your gas is one of the cheapest on the Planet. In the UK, petrol is at least £1,12 a litre. At 3.8 litres a Gallon that's £4.26 a Gallon. At the current conversion of 1.998 dollars to the Pound that's $8.51 a gallon. Quit whining so much!
   
   
7. Mexicans and Brazilians only travel in large groups and wear the same, brightly, coloured T-shirts.
   
   
8. Due to the short proportions of Disney Characters, the characters in Disney Parks are normally played by women as they are the short enough to fit in the suits. This means that when Mickey and Minnie hold hands or hug it’s actually kinda hot.
   
   
9. And finally, Country and Western music is truly, truly awful.

Marcus

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Can we find Ultimate Happiness?

Dear Freelance Guru,

Ultimate happiness. Think it can be achieved? If yes, how would you describe it?

Mystery*

Buddha believed in ultimate happiness. He believed that to find Nirvana you must free yourself from desire. This is rubbish of course. To quote the great philosopher Will Young, losing desire means you ‘lose the highs to be spared the lows.’ As such all that can truly be experienced is an ultimate state of ‘meh.’ Besides, based on his depictions, Buddha was a fat, jolly man and a thin, serious one, making him a schizophrenic and about as trustworthy as Fox News.

You yourself are proof that ultimate happiness is impossible. Your smiles last for only a moment, normally a reaction to something good, such as a funny joke, or a brilliant Guru blog. However this state of ‘good’ lasts only a small amount of time. If it didn’t, each subsequent thing would have to be better than the last in order for us to feel as good about it, until the world became one happy, bouncy ball of bunnies and page three models. At which point there would be nothing to strive for. Everything would be good. And we would all be bored. With nothing to make us feel bad we would have no reason to feel good at all. And as a loud noise eventually fades into the background, so our good feelings would become dull and invisible. Plus, everyone would be smiling all the time which would just be disturbing.

Finally, it is impossible to define the Ultimate anything; one man’s trash is another man’s Blue Peter Model; ultimate happiness means different things to everyone: one person becoming happy would mean another could not. For example, my wife’s way of finding happiness is to nag me, where as mine is to hide on the top of my pole, listening to my iPod and pulling the ladder up behind me. The two are mutually exclusive, and it would be the same for everyone else. At most only 50% of the world could be happy at any one time; we would have to take it in turns and be happy every other week. And this would be far from anyone's idea of ultimate happiness, unless, of course, they were a little bit Buddha.

Hope this helps

Marcus

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McFeng-shui

A Californian McDonalds has employed a feng shui expert to improve their customers’ fortune. The fast-food restaurant, now awash with water features and bamboo plants, hopes the oriental technique will improve their patrons’ luck. Presumably, if you have a Happy Meal there now you’ll actually burn-off calories thanks to the restaurants energy flow. That, after all, is the kind of fortune most McDonalds lovers need.

I tried to feng shui my pole once, but every expert had different ideas. It became very confusing. One day my waterfall was in my right hand, the next in my left. With the lucky bamboo in my other hand, it was difficult to use my laptop, especially as it was balanced on my head at the time. To be honest, I spent most of the time worrying I would drop my money tree, which wasn't cheap after all, and any benefits were somewhat lost on me.

But I do wish the restaurant luck: I believe they will need it; an arbitrary arrangement of expensive ornaments will be somewhat wasted on customers who are too busy suffering from obesity-induced total coronary failure to notice. McDonalds needs all the oriental-placebo it can get.

Personally, I don't hold with any of that oriental nonsense. I'll stick to good old-fashioned meditative communication with the infinite, thank you very much! That's something I can truly believe in.

Besides - I prefer Burger King.

Marcus

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• What is the point of fundamental Religion?

Pole-ing the heathens.

Whilst listening to Radio 4’s news pod during my morning meditation I was shocked to hear of the conviction of self declared ‘Osama Bin London,’ Mohammed Hamid. It wasn’t his conviction that shocked me. The man is a groomer of young Muslims fundamentalists after all. Nor was it his crimes. Religious terror is practically background noise here: twice a month the police knock on my door to check I’m not plotting any terrorism. I welcome the visits: it means my wife has to tidy the house up.

What shocked me is that he truly believes the way to convert people to Islam is to kill them. He is not alone in this belief of course, even I can see the perks, say when my mother-in-law comes to visit, but no one ever seems to notice the flaw in this plan. There is something inherently mixed up about a method of evangelising that involves a rucksack of TNT and a one-way trip the Northern Line.

It reminds me of the Evangelical Christians who shout through megaphones at innocent shoppers, declaring, despite all evidence to the contrary, that ‘Jesus makes you whole.' I wonder if they realise that for every one person they might possibly convert this way, hundreds of thousands go away believing more than ever that religious people are absolutely crazy.

I, for one, see no point trying to convert others. Everyone has a different path to enlightenment and all come to it at different times, be it through a light on the road to Galilee or a stuffed snake on top of a monitor. I testify by sitting on my pole for 8 hours a day. That way all can see how wise, noble and calm I am. I like to think that the people who point, laugh and shout insults at me, learn from my example and leave a little bit wiser.

Well, that, or that they die in their sleep.

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