Life Wisdom - in 400 Words or Less

There are times when my Pilgrims surprise me, and actually ask questions that I want to answer. This is very nearly one of them

Dear Guru

What wisdom would you wish to impart to your relatives? What is the one thing you want to tell them about the life you lived?

Canucklehead

Dear Pilgrim,

I've thought long and hard about this question. The answer didn't come easily. You asked me this question about half a year ago and it's taken me until now to finally be bothered enough to answer it.

My difficulties stemmed from one minor point - who in my family was I leaving wisdom to?; I would leave very different wisdom to my wife than my little girl. However as the wisdom I'd leave my wife involves Lincoln's Gold, I'll write about the advice to my daughter instead.

The wisdom I'd impart to my girl, and that I already try to impart to her every day, is this - 'ask Questions'. If you believe something, question the reasons you do. If you want to learn something, question an expert. Before you accept anything as true, Question it.

If my daughter were to read in the paper that her father is a pole-balancing lunatic, I would want her to question the journalists authority, and check the article wasn't written by my next door neighbour before accepting it as valid. There are many things that seem to be real until you study them closely (homeopathy, Acupuncture, George Bush's hair...etc) and it's easy to be fooled if you don't get more information.

As for the one thing I would share about my life, how long of one thing can it be? I understand the average pilgrim may be able to settle on just one thing, but I've accomplished a lot in one lifetime: becoming enlightened, giving life changing advice, managing to set up my wireless network, etc... But if I had to pick one, I would tell her that I 'Found Answers'. When people came with questions, I consulted the infinite, or sometimes Google, until an answer became clear.

As such, I gave myself to the needs of others.

There are those, mostly my wife, who would argue with this assessment of my life, but, as a guru, you need to prioritise. And personally I think the questions of a Canadian I've never met are far more important than cleaning out the Garage for our Christmas Party.

Hope this helps

Marcus

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Is Life a Race?

Xander, who is rapidly becoming my biggest fan, has written in with this question. I've never seen anyone who so needs my help.

Dear Guru

Is Life a race?

Xander101

To answer this question we must first consider what a race is.

To clarify:
A race is a sporting event, often done for fun, in which any number of people, starting at the same place and point in time attempt to run the same distance in the quickest possible time.

If this is accurate (and it is, it came from me) then life can only be defined as a race if it fits this definition. If A=C and B=C then A=B, not that that relates to the question, I just think it's neat.

If life were a race then everyone would be born at precisely the same time with exactly the same Financial status, political views, social class and general intelligence as everyone else. And we would all be desperately, and joyfully, trying to die before anyone else does

While I can see certain places in the world where this philosophy may come in useful, Essex for example, it does not seem to be the status Quo, and we must conclude that the null hypothesis is the correct one.

Life is not a race.

I tend to think of life as a slow, intense, wrestling match, something like Foxy Boxing - no matter how hard you fight to win, every one ends up dirty

Marcus

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Ask me your questions and you might just get ahead

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Why does it always rain on us?

As most of my Pilgrims 's are unemployed they have a lot of time to stare out the window and think.

Xander was looking out the window the other day and decided to ask me this question.

Why is it that when it's hot it's too hot and when it's cold, it's too cold. Why are we never happy?

Xander

In fact, this happens less often than you may Imagine. Around the word there is only a small number of countries that complain about the weather, and you can probably guess which one does it the most.

A Google search for "weather Complain" results in a whole first page devoted to pages ending .co.uk. Considering there are 5 times as many .com pages on the web than .co.uk ones this is quite an achievement. in fact pitting "moan weather .co.uk" against "moan weather .com" comes in at 5 to 2. Britain is a nation of moaners, and I don't, unfortunately, mean that in a good way.

(Although doing a Google Search for the term "Guru Is Stupid" comes in with 2,590,000 results, so I'm not sure how reliable this method is...)

It makes you wonder what exactly it is we Brits have to moan about. It may be that our weather is unpredictable but on a global scale, it is remarkably boring. We don't often have to contend with blizzards or tornado's, even a 'strong storm' is a rarity. It's not even like our weather is unique. The weather is just as interesting in France and Germany and they don't moan about it half as much as we do. In fact human beings are highly advanced at Thermoregulation, and in all due theory, should feel comfortable no matter what the heat outside.

So why do we spend so much time criticizing the weatherman?

Xander asked me a question before about why his workmates great him by saying 'alright?' and the answer to both his questions is the same. The English moan about the weather as way of opening conversation. It is a safe topic of conversation that is unlikely to cause offense, and very unlikely to result in a serious conversation that would require the anyone to actually put any effort in. The rules on weather conversation are actually quite clear. If it's sunny it's too hot, If it's chilly it's too cold, if it's raining they'll be floods tomorrow and if it's snowing they'll be traffic jams and 3 foot of snow by the morning. If anyone ever dared to say that actually they rather like it when it's raining their fellow conversationalists would be so confused they would most likely stand there fumbling for a while before finally excusing themselves to go find someone more sane to chat too.

As such English moan about the weather as a way of shaking hands with each other. A simple statement that everyone can agree with, no-one has to think about, and has almost no possibility of accidentally becoming a serious question.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

Every day is a sunny day at Humor Blogs

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E.T. Phones Home: Farmer annoyed in Morning

It astounds me that the Human Race, not content with having ruined its own planet, deeply wants to believe that there is another species out there ruining its own.

In fact we believe it so badly that often we are willing to take the feeblest things as proof, many of which I'm sure you'll tell me about in the comments.

Take Crop Circles. Here we have a complex form of UFO communication which is completely incomprehensible to humans, making the whole thing something of a worthless venture. You would think that any race clever enough to fly the interstellar distances to Earth and create complex patterns in the fields of Cornwall would also be clever enough to have learnt English. Or at least French. But instead they communicate in complex, geometric, apparently meaningless patterns, which just happen to look very much like they were created with a piece of wood and a bit of string, and mostly serve the purpose of Irritating Farmers.

Furthermore, logic dictates that any race advanced enough to travel to earth would either be completely adept at hiding themselves or would have made bloody sure that we knew they existed by now. Instead all they do is create a few lights in the sky which look remarkably like Airplanes, make a few cows die unexpectedly, or fulfill the anally obsessed sexual fantasies of insane people. What is it with Aliens and Anal Probes anyway? How much can you actually learn by the use of entroscopy?

But of course, as any true believer knows, Aliens have given us proof of their existence multiple times. But the world Governments keep covering it up. The Government, the same people who managed to leave a top secret terrorist document on the train, and leaked Private information about it's Veterans, have somehow managed to effect a worldwide cover up, silencing thousands of witness, hiding evidence in the top-secret, yet strangely well known, Area 51, and convincing the Aliens to keep hush-hush from now on. There are some reasons to believe this, it nicely explains the US Deficit for example, however, it is also believed that George Bush is secretly a member of Mensa and simply plays dumb to appeal to the American Voter. I leave my Pilgrims to decide for themselves, although I realise that may result in most of you making the wrong decision.

The few aliens that are out there are probably not in the habit of taking day trips to our humble planet just to probe some hicks, scare a few cows, ruin some fields and speed off before anyone can get a decent photograph. There are already people on these planets that do all these things, they're called tourists. And for now at least, they're more than enough for the world to cope with, without needing to invent space tourists as well.

What kind of evidence would you need to make you believe in Aliens? Comment and let me know!

Marcus

Read part 1 of this article on Extra Terrestrial Beings
All Crop Circles lead to Humor Blogs

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The Modern Guru

Pilgrims these days have it too easy.

There was a time when Gurus were considered Gods. After all, they knew everything, sat in high places, and looked awesome in Sandals! Pilgrims would trek miles to see them. And, in those days, a trek meant just that. Pilgrims would walk for days, or at least ride Donkey Back (which isn't as much fun as it sounds.) And they would suffer great hardship, cross mountains and deserts, brave droughts and storms, and worst of all, put up with their children asking 'Are we there yet?' every few miles. By the time they finally reached the Guru, normally at the top of a mountain or in the middle of a treacherous forest, they would have faced so many difficulties, struggles and challenges that the journey itself had transformed them. Then all the Guru had to do was point out the many lessons they had already learnt, and the Pilgrim's went away happy.

Now adays, however, the biggest struggle my Pilgrims go through is Airport Security. I've tried to remind them of the lessons learnt thanks to the cramped conditions of EasyJet or the humbleness gained by taking off one's shoes to pass through an Airport scanner, but somehow it just doesn't come off the same.
There was a time when I even considered living on a mountain, so pilgrims at least needed to climb a little, but my wife started complaining we'd be too far from the supermarkets....

The ever shrinking size of the world has meant that today's Guru has to be a lot sharper than the guru of old. You can't fob people off the way you used too. Nowadays, if you tell a Pilgrim, "The answers lie within each of us. All must find the answers their own way," they start demanding their money back and threaten to write to the Ombudsman.

Not that it's a problem for me of course however, these troubles are a small price to pay for the joy of knowing I have made the world that little bit wiser.

And of course, I know everything, or at least I will do after a quick look on Google. The shrinking world does have some benefits after all.

Marcus

I know all the answers. Humor Blogs knows all the Jokes.

Nowadays it's almost to easy to Ask me your questions.

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The Truth is Out There - Do Aliens Exist?

"Do you believe in Aliens?"

It's a question I get asked a lot. (Well, not that question. No one cares enough about me to be fussed what I ‘believe’ in; they're only after my knowledge. It's a shallow friendship, but I'll take anything I can get. What they actually ask is, "Is there something out there?" or "Are we alone in the Universe?" but those questions just don't open a post so dramatically.)

An appallingly large number of my pilgrims ask me this question and my answer is always the same.

With a gentle smile and a shrug I reply, "The universe is as infinite as my Knowledge. The odds of the Earth being the only planet which supports life are so small that someone with a brain such as yours could not hope to understand them."

At which point, they normally reply, "Yeah, but are there Aliens?"

For some reason trekking halfway around the world to get the answer 'maybe' just isn't good enough for them.
And so, to end this Tom-foolishness, I will give the answer. For the first time I will answer this question definitively, here and now. I only hope your infantile brains are ready for it.
Aliens exist. Somewhere, in the universe there is at least one other inhabited planet. Fact.

But it is highly likely that any Aliens that do exist have not evolved to be anything beyond the level of worms or birds. In fact, if Aliens co-habit this planet with us at all then there are almost certainly in bird form; the birds always gather around my pole, and Aliens are often said to seek 'the leader.'

However, there are no aliens speeding around our planet in their hyped up Ford Star-cruisers, revealing themselves to lonely Kansas Farmers, or purposefully leaving behind evidence of their existence. There is evidence of course, which I'll discuss in a later post, but frankly, if this is the best Aliens can do then they certainly aren't intelligent.

Either way, this is certain. There is intelligent life out there, or at least, there will be one day, and I for one welcome it. For one thing they'd be more people to share my wisdom with. And, when you're in the Guru business, you are always in need of less intelligent forms of life.

Do you believe in Aliens? Why? Add your comments and let me know.

Marcus

There is more things at Humor Blogs than are dreamt of in your philosophy, dear pilgrim

The Answers are out there. Ask the Guru

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Madonna gets sticky. Sweet! - A review.

On Saturday, I went to see Madonna.

Now I know what you're thinking, but it wasn't to finally talk her out of Kaballah. Instead it was for the opening Gig of her new tour, Madonna - Sweet and Sticky. One of my wife's friends had brought too many tickets, so we snapped them up, left My Little Girl with the next door neighbours (who spent the while time telling her how useless I was,) and I booked a coach to Cardiff to see the Queen of pop.

Eventually, Almost 2 hours late, Madonna appeared on the stage.

The show was more extravagant than my Wife's cooking, and almost as scary. Through more than 20 songs. 16 dancers, and and more costumes than any 50 year old women should own, the highly sculpted icon forced herself onto the crowds consciousness. The women seems to be obsessed with sex, as she spent most of the concert writing on the floor. Either that or possibly she is epileptic. But there is something about Madonna that defies belief. Any other women of her age miming intercourse with men as young as me would be sold in the cross-gen section of the porn shop, yet, somehow, Madonna still eludes the sexiness of a teenager. You almost feel like you'd be arrested if you slept with her.

Controlling the crowd like the bitchy Argentinean First Lady she once portrayed so incorrectly, she worked her way through more remixed Pop than Coke-a-Cola as 5 Massive LCD screens floated around the stage, allowing her to perform pre-recorded duets with the likes of Kayne West and Justin Timberlake. and you can imagine my excitement when Britney Spears appeared on the screens as part of a new concept video for Human Nature.

Not to say that the show was all meaningless fun. The fourth act opened with a shameless plug for Barrack Obama, the man who obviously can't be President, and during Like a Prayer, the LCD screens tried to convince the crowd that all religions are the same thing, a ridiculous assertion which any Guru would tell her. The only true religion is the one that particular Guru Supports.

But no matter how controversial her politics or her remixes, Madonna has still got it. Despite being old enough to be my mother (I can certainly imagine her packing my lunchbox) her Dance version of Like a Prayer, and her Rock and Roll edition of Hung Up on You, left the crowd down on their knees begging for more. And when the LCD Screens closed around her one final time with 'Game Over' flashing on them like an antiquated Arcade machine, you knew that Madonna had years left in her yet. Like the old jukeboxes that used to play her records, all you need is another quarter and Madonna can entertain you all night long.

Marcus

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Darn Kids with their Punk and their MTV....

Of course, it happens to the best of us, but I was rather hoping I had a few years to go...

I was in town the other day when some teenagers walked past with some funky new hair styles that suggested they'd just been stun-gunned in a paint factory.

I turned to my wife and said "You know, I understand life, the universe and everything. But I just don't understand young people's hair styles these days."

It's official. I'm getting old...

Marcus

Humor Blogs never gets old.

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Homephobic Abuse - Please help.

A good friend of mine suffered from homophobic abuse today. He is extremely upset by it, especially as he feels he dealt with the whole situation quite badly, and has written a blog post detaling it and asking for advice.

Naturally, I have given him my wisdom, "Stop being so Gay", but he seems to think this is somewhat unpractical and wants advice from "someone more ordinary.

Please click across to his post, Homophobia in my own Home, and see if you can help.

If you can make him a bit less gay I'd apreciate it.

Thank you.

Marcus

The Meaning of The Word 'Chav'

After reading "To 'Catch a Chav'", one of my (possibly less educated) readers came to me with this question:

Dear Guru,

Chavs? Okay o' wise one up a pole - enlighten me and tell me why they are called Chavs. As a mere colonial, I have no clue what you are talking about!

Linda

Dear Pilgrim,

No-one is entirely sure when this vulgar term first crawled out of the swamp but there are many theories about it all of which are wrong.

Among the most popular beliefs is that 'Chav' is an Acronym for "Council House and Violence." This, however, is about as likely as Barrack Obama becoming the next President. There are also those who believe the word was used by the Women of Cheltenham Ladies College as a way of describing the young males of Cheltenham, or the 'Cheltenham Average.'

Those with slightly more education than your average "Council House Aggressive Vermin" however, believe the word has far older origins, dating back to the Gypsy word 'Chavi' or child. As a Chav is basically a dirty, thieving, unhealthy, swearing, homeless child with a back-to-front baseball cap this seems appropriate.

The word began as an derogatory term, used by the middle and upper classes, to describe the working class, Burberry wearing, council estate teenagers who spent most of their time smoking, drinking, and getting 'ASBOs' (Anti-Social Behaviour Orders). However, the word became overused by the Tabloids ("Rapists! Chavs! Murderers! Don't go outside!") and soon became embraced by the very people it was supposed to offend, the same way that 'Queer' has been embraced by the faggots. Their favourite lower class noun gone, the Upper class resorted to synonyms such as 'Townie', 'Pikey', or 'that filthy brat of a child in number 10' instead.

Nowadays Chavs can largely be seen hanging around Multi-storey car parks, drinking beer, smoking and using their mating call, illegally downloaded hip-hop played through a tinny mobile phone speaker, to lure the opposite sex into unprotected fumbles. As such they are highly proficient breeders, but, rather like sea-turtles, expect their offspring to raise themselves, the only difference being that Turtles will swim miles out of their way and face great hardship, to deposit their eggs safely on the beach whereas Chavettes will drink, smoke and get high during their pregnancy, only to sue the Hospital when their baby is born underweight. It will then be left to the Grandparents to raise the Child while the Chavette spends the next few years complaining to her homies about the 'sad ass d*ck of a father' who left her to raise her brat of a child on her own.

Hope this helps

Marcus

The one place you won't find Chavs is at Humor Blogs. Clicking there will help more people see this post however and educate themselves.

This blog can't exist without your questions. What do you need to know?

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Marcus Needs To Do Less Memes

Having sworn this blog would be meme free, I saw an old favourite of a meme over at Shelly's Blog and decided I'd have to give it a try.

All you have to do is enter your name into Google followed by the word 'needs' and post the results on your blog. It's a wonderful idea and I fully plan to do it with The Wife's name soon so I can see what she's been up to.

But in the meantime, here's a list of things which I need. Well, at least according to Google.

• Marcus needs to take some time out
  - Afterall there's only so much time one can spend knowing everything
  
  
• Marcus needs a Hacksaw
  - My pole could do with a few repairs
  
  
• Hannah is just what Marcus Needs
  - Hannah is, I'm quite sure, what every young man needs -->
  
  
• Marcus needs an Extreme Makeover
  - It's this darn dry skin of mine
  
  
• Marcus needs a personality change
  - Yes, well, I suppose I am a little too modest
  
  
• Marcus needs to Grow
  - Yeah, the pump I mentioned before still isn't working
  
  
• Marcus needs a family that will take pride in his African American Heritage.
  - Tru dat
  
  
• Marcus needs a beard
  - I tried to grow one once but The Wife thought it was dirt and tried to wash it off my face.
  
  
• Marcus needs to wear both Spandex and Glitter (obviously with a suit coat also)
  - Well, OHBV-iously. Although I must say, it's somewhat scary how accurately Google knows me.
  
  
• Marcus needs to be rougher around the edges
  - What? This person obviously has no idea how hard it is to be a bonified Guru.
  
  
• Marcus needs Marcus
  - Well that goes without saying. Everyone needs Marcus.
  
  
• Marcus needs to understand the impact of his sexual behavior on his younger victims.
  - Um... Moving on...
  
  
• Marcus needs to go
  - Very true. See you next time.
  

Marcus

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Tell me your Questions! Otherwise I get Bored

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Is She Too Old For Me?

This week, I tackle a toy boy's teaser,

Dear Guru,

My girlfriend is 11 years older than me. I love her and we're going to have a baby soon. Would our age be an issue once we get married?

Thirsty for your enlightenment,

Jessie

Dear Pilgrim,

It is often said that Age is just a number, and in many ways this is true. However in many other ways that's the kind of stupid thing people say when they're going through a Midlife Crisis. As far as numbers go Age is pretty important, especially if you happen to be older than your life expectancy. It's the number that tells when you can start drinking, when you can get married, when you can start work, when you can retire, and when you should probably start thinking about not drinking anymore. In fact it's one of the only numbers you will ever encounter that truly matters. Well that, and the number of inches in your underpants.

In your case, there are several factors to consider. For one, exactly how old are you? For example, if you are 34 and your Fiancée, 45, then the age gap will have a minimal affect after you are married. It will also reduce the number of years you have to spend together until 'death does you part' and you get to inherit all her money. If however she is 21 then you may want to inform the nearest trusted Adult. I would also question how she is carrying a child when you aren't physically capable of reproducing yet.

Assuming you are of a reasonable dating age however, (and if you're not then you should probably seek adult permission before reading this blog) a relationship depends on what you put into it. For example, I give my wife plenty of space and time alone and she repays me by cooking, cleaning, earning our soul income, and raising our child. It's a partnership you see, and, providing both are willing to work for it, age should be irrelevant. The celebrity world is full of couples with large Age Differences: Madonna is 10 years older than Guy Ritchie and they seem to be doing just fine...

Finally, there is actually a rule of thumb which applies here about socially acceptable age difference.

Providing this rule is true for you, then your new mother-in-law shouldn't gossip about you too much. But fortunatly, no-one in her Age-Concern meetings would be able to hear her clearly anyway.

Hope this helps and I wish you both the best of luck

Marcus

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If you have Questions I have Answers

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How to be an Internet Billionaire

Oh great guru. I am convinced of your wisdom after reading only a single post. I am trying to make a billion dollars with my new website http://www.the-mayan-calendar.com while at the same time spreading a green message about the mayan calendar like you in your infinite wisdom have done so elegantly. I have already brought attention to your knowing ways at: http://www.the-mayan-calendar.com/mayan-myths.htm

How can I improve this? Being a Guru I know your time is valuable. I am only a student. Please bless me with a touch. And I tried calling you from Guatemala but your line was busy... What gives?

Dear Pilgrim,

I was once like you. Lost on an Endless pursuit for wealth. I worked more than 7 hours a day desperate for the miserable pay my Fat-Cat Bosses paid me, every penny of which was taken by my wife for food, clothes and her extravagant, but necessary, bin bag full of make-up.

I, like many before me, was caught in a trap, believing I could ‘work’ my way to freedom, I wasted my life begging for the next scrap of attention from my superiors.

And then I discovered ‘the $ecret to $uccess!’

Now I spend my days in my dream home,

take the Vacations I want to take

and do the things I want to do.

In short I’m living my life the way I want too.

And now, I’m going to teach you how to be as successful as me.

This is not a ‘Get Rich Quick Scheme.’ This is a genuine way to Get Rich Quickly!

But don’t take my word see what these fictional people had to say!

“Thanks to this scheme I’m now earning so much money a week that I lose more than half of it as Tax! Thank you for helping me to make the country a better place!”

-Mr A Childs (Patriotic Champion)

“I love using exclamation marks but before they were just too expensive!!!! Thanks to your tips I’m can now use ‘multiple’ Exclamation marks without having to get an overdraft first!!!!!!!”

-Tara Blessing!!

“Before this scheme I was just a Gay Man. Now I’m a Gay Man with his own Cruise company!”

-Mr Randy Cruise

In this scheme I’ll teach you

• How to rip off gullible people by creating web pages just like this one.
• How to create sales fever by use Bold and Colour Randomly.
  
• How to make sites look professional by adding a Bulleted List!

Using these simple techniques you can make money in your sleep!

So why isn’t everyone doing it? Because I won’t let them! Only a limited number of people know these secrets. People just like you. People eager to make millions with absolutely no effort. People capable of finding this website!

Buy my E-book today and start making money straight away.
Normally, this E-book would cost you $799.99. But today I’m letting you have it for

$69.95!

There are only
400
200
3
of these Fortune Making E-books left!

Don’t miss out on this once in a lifetime opportunity!
Order now and start your new $$$ life Today!

Marcus

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Why I don't rate Wall-E

I’ve always loved Disney, ever since I watched The Little Mermaid on repeat while my parents 'faced off' in the kitchen. It was a poorly-made, pirated copy and had an episode of Casualty taped over the last few minutes (for years I was convinced Prince Eric had to have some Kidney Stones removed) but I loved it none the less.

So, the other day, I took the family to see Wall-E

And this 'Charming, audacious, and timely' Pixar release was largely underwhelming.

Now I'm not a movie Expert. This may surprise you; I am, after all, an expert on the infinite, which includes, by definition, pretty much everything, but I live off my Pilgrims donations (and the Dole) so by the time I've paid for my Snack food, Pole Tax, and subscription to Playboy, I barely have enough left for a second car, yet alone a Movie.

And when I do see movies, I normally agree with the Critics; it is, after all, much easier than arguing with them.

But for all its character, emotion and beauty, this artistic animation is lacking something:- laughter. There are less laughs in the movie than in this blog post and I left the theatre eager to get online and read some fundamentalist Religious blogs so I at least had something to laugh about that day.

Wall-E left me sombre, confused, and slightly Gassy (cinema soda does that to me). While an amazing creation, it lacks ‘Disney Magic’. (And having just had Disney magic shoved down my throat for 2 weeks I know what it should feel like.)

But my wife, my Little Girl and all the critics (except one) loved it. So, maybe, I'm alone in this.

But then, being a genius, years ahead of the popular opinion, I'm afraid loneliness is inevitable. Be it Wall-E, Religion, or Chunky Soup, I’m up on my pedestal waiting, thinking, and very, very alone.

At least, that is, until the neighbours start shouting abuse up at me from the lawn. But then they liked Ghost Ship, what the hell do they know...

Marcus

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9 Lessons the Yanks have taught me.

I thoroughly enjoyed my time is America. There was so much about it to enjoy.

Something about seeing my wife on the white knuckle rides, laughing, screaming, begging for it to stop... I don't know, but it reminded me of our early days together. Good times. And spending all that time with my family, after so many months spent up my pole... Well, it just warmed my heart. First time I've had heartburn in years

But now, after blessing the Yanks with my presence, I have returned to you. You must have missed me terribly. There there. Daddy's home.

The best thing about the holiday for me is that every new country I visit has more things to teach me you so long as one is humble enough to admit they have the intelligence to learn it. And so, for those of you who may not be as well travelled as I am, having gone to 2 countries other than my own in my life time, I present my observations of America.

1. In America, Bumper stickers are really, really important.
   
   
2. American's really, truly want you to have a nice day!
   
   
3. Americans really are better looking that the English are. Having done a highly scientific survey on American and English Women, carefully studying them and rating their appearance on a variety of factors, including looks, measurements, and ‘Would I Do Her?’, I have determined that American women are at least 3 points more doable than English ones. My wife assures me the same was true for her; every single American she saw was, apparently, far more attractive than me.
   
   
4. Techniques from the It’s a small world ride have been used to elicit confessions in Guantanamo bay.
   
   
5. KFC should just not be served with Mashed Potato
   
   
6. At $4 a Gallon your gas is one of the cheapest on the Planet. In the UK, petrol is at least £1,12 a litre. At 3.8 litres a Gallon that's £4.26 a Gallon. At the current conversion of 1.998 dollars to the Pound that's $8.51 a gallon. Quit whining so much!
   
   
7. Mexicans and Brazilians only travel in large groups and wear the same, brightly, coloured T-shirts.
   
   
8. Due to the short proportions of Disney Characters, the characters in Disney Parks are normally played by women as they are the short enough to fit in the suits. This means that when Mickey and Minnie hold hands or hug it’s actually kinda hot.
   
   
9. And finally, Country and Western music is truly, truly awful.

Marcus

It is said that one can recover from the horror of Country and Western at Humor Blogs.com

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Why the Guru is Great and Wikipedia is Wicked

I'm back from my holiday, and will shortly be sharing some of the enlightenment the USA imparted to me. But in the meantime, here's a fan's question from my previous post on Chinese Superstition.

Are you serious? Forgive my rude behavior, but that was scarcely even informative. Besides, the part where you did supply a minimal amount, in which was not completely absurd, it was pasted off an unreliable source such as wikipedia. Is this site supposedly an informative one or merely for amusement?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous.
(What a name! Were your parents especially introvert?)

To misquote Tennessee Williams (a writer in case they don't teach culture during afternoon repeats of wrestling) ‘What a fantastic question! Fantastic of you to think of it and fantastic of me to answer it!’

But then, I'm that kind of Guru. I have always depended on the ignorance of strangers.

And it's nice to hear from a true fan, someone who takes the time and effort to comment with their question rather than spend 30 seconds looking at the blog to the answer themselves. That's devotion, and I thank you for it. But then so often it is the most devoted disciple who is also the neediest. The proficient disciples seem to spend most of their time trying to be bigger than me. I encourage their quest, providing their share the secrets with me when they discover them. I've been using one of those pumps for years but to no avail.

My Pilgrim, you may consider your rudeness forgiven. I will admit that at first I assumed you were a bit Buddha, but then saw your Americanised spelling of ‘behaviour’ and suddenly everything made sense.

To answer your question this blog is designed to be a place where I can share my wisdom, which was first communed to me by a stuffed, orange toy snake, who inspired me to meditate for 8 hours a day on top of a 15 foot pole overlooking Bristol. If that sounds as if it is ‘merely for amusement’ you should see what some other religions believe!

And regarding Wikipedia, did you know that absolutely everyone can edit it, giving it the highest number of editors ever involved in a single project? Have you ever spoken to an editor? They’re hideously anal. If there was a dispute over the origin of Chinese Superstitions, they’d not only know about it, they’d have written a 500 page essay about it and then commenced to argue about the punctuation.

And besides, Wikipedia, is easy. I'm not going to lug the Complete Encyclopedia Britannica up my pole every time I need to know what Stereographic projection is.

Hope this helps, or at least encourages you to comment again and give me more inspiration.

Marcus

If you are looking 'merely for amusement' then Humor Blogs might be what you're looking for.

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Airport Security

Because the wife has decided we aren't bonding as a family recently she's taking My Little Girl and I to Disneyworld. God knows where she got the money from; it certainly didn't come from me - all of my Giro goes on Guru expenses. Obviously her illegal day care centre is growing in popularity. It's certainly messing the house p more than it used to. I mean, honestly, the woman stays at home all day, you'd think she could at least tidy up as a bit.

As the Man of the household it's apparently my job to pack the suitcase.

Airports are crazy about safety at the moment, scanning your bags, your toothpaste, your il etc and I have enough trouble with the police force as it is. There's something about a man up a pole that makes people nervous, and the local constabulary still visit every other month to check that I haven't built a bomb yet.

So the last thing I want to do is put something in our suitcase I'm not supposed to. I'm flying to America after all, the home of terrorism, and the cute little colour scheme they have to let the terrorists know when it's safe to attack. So I've been reviewing the latest guidelines for airport security and here are some of the things you are not allowed in your luggage.

1. Tweezers
   Because I don't know about you but there's no better way of passing time on a long haul flight than by styling my eyebrows


2. Knitting needles
   "Take this plane to Washington, or I'll make you wear this itchy sweater."


3. Billiard, snooker or pool cues
   Not for any saftey reason, but the stewedess get bored of being prodded by them.


4. Catapults
   Dennis the Menace takes down a boeing 747


5. Darts
   50 points if you can hit the air marshall


6. Poisons, arsenic, cyanide, weedkiller
   I'm not even allowed this in the hold. Surely if I want to destroy some weeds, or kill somebody when I land that's my business?


7. Wet car cell batteries
   But how will I power my mobile phone?


8. Radioactive materials
   But I never go anywhere without my uranium 232


9. Flammable liquids and solids
   So no deodrant, hairspray, clothing...


10. Infectious substances
    So you're telling me I can't take this plague carrying rat to the Americas?


11. Magnetrons
    The other X-men characters are allowed however


12. Organic peroxides
    If you don't do what I say right now everyone on this plane ends up looking like Eminem


13. Tools Toy/replica guns (metal or plastic)
    Real guns however don't appear to be a problem.

Marcus

Why is White the Colour of Death to the Chinese?

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Dear Guru

Why is white the color of death to the Chinese? It's a real pain in my arse. One time I gave Poor George this very pretty white scented candle and he just about had a fit. "You never give something white to a Chinese person!" he proclaimed.

Coaster Punchman

I don't want to be responsible for strengthening your relationship, but have you tried just asking him why? I understand your reluctance if not however. If he's freaked out by a candle who's to say how he'll react when you question his heritage. No matter how much your cat pictures annoy me I wouldn't wish murder on anyone.

As a species superstition is built into us as a survival instinct. If a tiger rips our heads off we learn, pretty quickly, that tiger's are bad and invent the spear. But this can also misfire. For example, if one person buys a rabbit's foot and has a stroke of luck, the mind links the two together. The end result is a lot of unlucky, slightly poorer people and a boom in the Bunny wheelchair trade. Even worse than this we can't accept this life is all there so we invent things to make life more exciting. That’s why, for example, when 2000 years ago an unwed teenage mother had an unplanned pregnancy and blamed it on God, she became famous enough to appear in oil stains and cooked bread. Thankfully, those who've reached guru status know that all superstitions are foolish. Except those about Nirvana, black cats and Richard Gere.

Regarding Poor Georges Chromataphobia, it is entirely possible it is unique to him. Maybe his mother suffered from a cleanliness OCD and kept the house spotless. As white shows dust without mercy it would have been contraband, and so he was trained, as a child, to fear white. Not knowing any different he would naturally assume that all Chinese people felt the same way. All of our religions have been spread in a similar way. Or it could be that some lover of white in his town was blighted by misfortune. The brain links, the rumours spread and before you know it sales of Daz plummet.

The fear of white does seem to be documented however, albeit very sparsely, so we can assume Poor George is not alone in this delusion. Perhaps the great firewall of China has prevented the western world from discovering the true extent of the superstition, indeed no-one seems to be sure why these phobia exists but the most likely reason white is associated with death is due to the white cloth used to enshroud corpses, the pale skin of a dead person, and the stark whiteness of bones and skeletons.

In the Western world we bury our dead in sombre coloured dress suits and don't have a habit of looking at skeletons for entertainment, so we associate black with death instead.

In short though, we may never be certain why the Chinese fear the colour white until the Aliens that founded the human race come back and explain themselves. And as this won't happen till 2012 (as everyone knows) we've still got a while to wait.

And to be honest, surly any American citizen would be horrified if you offered them something white after labour day.

Marcus

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10 steps to greater Self Confidence.

Dear Guru,

How can I get more self confident

Juliane

Dear Pilgrim.

I feel your pain. We've all faced hard times; when our get up and go gets up and goes; when we feel worthless and pointless and it seems no-one loves us, when we feel completely alone, stuck on my pole, isolated & misunderstood, no-one caring if I live or die; as if I might as well kill myself in the morning and....

Sorry. Excuse me a second. [....]

As I was saying, we've all had our self esteem fail us. My self confidence suffered terribly when I was a salesmen. You might find it hard to believe, given that I'm naturally suave and sophisticated, but selling is not my forte, and my failure to hit targets drove me into depression, to the point where it was a relief to come home to wife at the end of every day! My sales did improve briefly near the end of my employment but only because I cried so much people brought my policies out of pity.

Finally, I saw the light and spent several minutes researching how to improve my self-confidence, sourcing the whole of the World Wide Web to find the best techniques, and thus became the amazing person I am now. And here, for the first time, I will share these tips with you.

10 ways to increase your Self Confidence

1. Use the NLP Swish to change your negative self-images with confident ones. This amazing technique can also bring about inner calm, personal successes and World peace.


2. Surround yourself with ugly people.


3. Make the voices in your head sound like someone you hate. That way you'll feel really good telling them to 'Shut the f*** up!'


4. Love yourself. But I'd suggest refraining from doing so in public.


5. Join a low self-esteem club. Surrounding yourself with people who continuously put themselves down will make you feel great in comparison.


6. Take small, slightly illegal, risks everyday. Nothing boosts your self-confidence like a spell in prison.


7. Exercise. This won't help your self confidence, I just think you could just stand to lose a few pounds.


8. Find a highly confident, successful, superior and generally amazing mentor to guide you to confidence. My prices start at $100 an hour.


9. Prevent negative thoughts by sticking your fingers in your ears and singing loudly. This will also keep people away from you as you'll look a bit Buddha.


10. And finally, get your mirrors Gaussian Blurred.
    

Hope this helps.

Marcus

P.S. Research shows that daily laughter increases your self confidence. If so Humor Blogs is the cheapest therapy around.

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10 Ways To Make It Big In Journalism.

Dear Guru,

Great to see you here with the feeelance advice?? What advice can you give me, I would like to persue freelance journalism???

സപ്ന അനു ബി. ജോര്‍ജ്ജ്

Well, firstly, try limiting your use of terminal punction to once per scentence.

Secondly, Freelance Journalism seems an odd thing to pursue. I imagine you stalking through the words, a loaded pen over your shoulder. “Be vewy vewy quite. I’m hunting wumors.’

It's a difficult career, and the fact is that no matter what channels you use no-one will ever publish any of your work, give you any tips, or help you if you get hit by a bus. But if you are willing to try anything, here are some more unique ways to get your foot in the door.

1. Don’t. Most people are not meant for Freelance Journalism the same way that most people are not meant to be parents. Just because lots of people attempt it doesn’t make them any good.
   
   
2. Hang around post-boxes and steal the post of anyone who looks like a writer. Claim their ideas, and postage stamps, as your own.
   
   
3. Walk around with a ‘Press’ card stuck into your hat band.
   
   
4. Get a gimmick. Write ‘and that’s not how Monkeys do it’ in every article you pen.
   
   
5. Get a Dictaphone and secretly record your friends’ conversations. Type up the transcripts and use them to expose your friends as communists. This won’t help you get a job as a Freelance Journalist, it’s just something that needs to be done.
   
   
6. Start a rumour that Mel Gibson experienced priestly child abuse.
   
   
7. Find a celebrity who lives near you and begin stalking them. When they ask you to stop, complain that they’re elitist, arrogant and rude. Call up the tabloids to complain.
   
   
8. Write about Princess Diana. This is almost always universally publishable.
   
   
9. Stage a hunger strike until the local papers publish your article.
   
   
10. Have an affair with some Communist Prostitutes and send an exposé on yourself to the tabloids.

Finally, do your research. Not all publications publish or want the same thing. Read things before you write to them. That way, for example, you may realise that not every blog with ‘Freelance’ in the title is about freelance journalism.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

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