Life Wisdom - in 400 Words or Less

There are times when my Pilgrims surprise me, and actually ask questions that I want to answer. This is very nearly one of them

Dear Guru

What wisdom would you wish to impart to your relatives? What is the one thing you want to tell them about the life you lived?

Canucklehead

Dear Pilgrim,

I've thought long and hard about this question. The answer didn't come easily. You asked me this question about half a year ago and it's taken me until now to finally be bothered enough to answer it.

My difficulties stemmed from one minor point - who in my family was I leaving wisdom to?; I would leave very different wisdom to my wife than my little girl. However as the wisdom I'd leave my wife involves Lincoln's Gold, I'll write about the advice to my daughter instead.

The wisdom I'd impart to my girl, and that I already try to impart to her every day, is this - 'ask Questions'. If you believe something, question the reasons you do. If you want to learn something, question an expert. Before you accept anything as true, Question it.

If my daughter were to read in the paper that her father is a pole-balancing lunatic, I would want her to question the journalists authority, and check the article wasn't written by my next door neighbour before accepting it as valid. There are many things that seem to be real until you study them closely (homeopathy, Acupuncture, George Bush's hair...etc) and it's easy to be fooled if you don't get more information.

As for the one thing I would share about my life, how long of one thing can it be? I understand the average pilgrim may be able to settle on just one thing, but I've accomplished a lot in one lifetime: becoming enlightened, giving life changing advice, managing to set up my wireless network, etc... But if I had to pick one, I would tell her that I 'Found Answers'. When people came with questions, I consulted the infinite, or sometimes Google, until an answer became clear.

As such, I gave myself to the needs of others.

There are those, mostly my wife, who would argue with this assessment of my life, but, as a guru, you need to prioritise. And personally I think the questions of a Canadian I've never met are far more important than cleaning out the Garage for our Christmas Party.

Hope this helps

Marcus

Give me another thing to share about my life. Vote for me at Humor Blogs

Questions are my bread and my butter. Ask Your Questions and help keep food on my pole top

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Is Life a Race?

Xander, who is rapidly becoming my biggest fan, has written in with this question. I've never seen anyone who so needs my help.

Dear Guru

Is Life a race?

Xander101

To answer this question we must first consider what a race is.

To clarify:
A race is a sporting event, often done for fun, in which any number of people, starting at the same place and point in time attempt to run the same distance in the quickest possible time.

If this is accurate (and it is, it came from me) then life can only be defined as a race if it fits this definition. If A=C and B=C then A=B, not that that relates to the question, I just think it's neat.

If life were a race then everyone would be born at precisely the same time with exactly the same Financial status, political views, social class and general intelligence as everyone else. And we would all be desperately, and joyfully, trying to die before anyone else does

While I can see certain places in the world where this philosophy may come in useful, Essex for example, it does not seem to be the status Quo, and we must conclude that the null hypothesis is the correct one.

Life is not a race.

I tend to think of life as a slow, intense, wrestling match, something like Foxy Boxing - no matter how hard you fight to win, every one ends up dirty

Marcus

On your Marks, get Set, and Go rate me at Humor Blogs

Ask me your questions and you might just get ahead

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Quite Valuable Crap

I love each and every one of my Pilgrims, but sometimes I do worry about what they get up to in their free time.

Dear Guru,

The other day my boyfriend and I were flicking between channels when we found one selling cheap, chintzy jewellery at the incredibly low price of £49.99. An hour later we were still watching.

What is this magical effect that Sales TV possesses? Please help, my credit card can't take much more.

Xander101

I don't watch much TV but my Little Girl is obsessed with it; every Saturday morning we have to watch Spongebob Squarepants and anything with pants that square can not be a good role model for our children.

My wife, on the other hand, likes the soap-operas; her 'only escape from a dreary life.' I pointed out that if her life were a soap opera it would be nothing but Lust, violence, and Murder. She responded thant whenever she looks at me she like one of each. Sometimes that women is beyond me.

'Sales TV' itself isn't watched in our house. I blocked it when I received credit card charges from 'Entertainment Enterprises.' These turned out to be charges from a web-site my wife doesn't know about, but I kept the bar on anyway. Prevention is better than debt. To research this post however I was forced to remove it. It's a mistake I wont be making again.

Sales TV is magic. It makes you suspend belief. You know a Rolex watch shouldn't be that cheap, you know there must be some hideous catch, you know it will turn your arm green within half a day, but you want to believe.

The format is hypnotic, the shots short, quick, shiny. A close up, a mid-shot, a wide shot next to a close up. It makes you feel dizzy. It dazzles you with bright colours; jewellery so sparkly even thinking about wearing it could get you mugged. The presenters talk rhythmically, repeating words over, and over again. Your Pulse quickens. Your body tenses. You can't possibly change channel. The next item might just be the one you've been waiting your whole life for. Demand is high. Those diamonte encrusted rubber gloves will all be gone soon. You have to call now.

I put the bar back on the shopping channel. What with the complete collection of nodding biblical figures now crowding up the top of my pole, I won't need any more 'bargains' for some time.

Whatever is that Sales TV does, it's very, very good at it.

Marcus

All your useless bling can be found at Humour Blogs

Give me your questions! They will keep away from the TV for a while,

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Does a bear sh*t in it's sleep?

As my fame spreads and my life becomes more hectic, a reader has written to try and grab my attention...

Dear Guru
Animals in hibernation - do they get up to go to the loo or not? If not, how is that possible?

PS: you haven't written in a while had to ask something :)

Dear Pilgrim

Hibernation, like Sex, is something that everyone does differently. If you put a squirrel and a Black bear in the same bed, not only would there be a fight for the Duvet, they'd keep each other awake all winter. And, as in sex, if the bear ends up on top, things just gets messy.

Hibernation is evolution at it's finest. Rather than tackle winter head on, like an ignorant human being, hibernating animals say, 'screw that', or would if they could talk, and sleep through winter instead. If humans could do this not only could we could save a fortune in insulation and clothing, we'd never have had to invent 'Winter Sports'.

To answer your question, smaller mammals, such as squirrels and shrews do go to loo during hibernation. They enter an extreme state of relaxation, dropping their body temperature to as low as -2°C. However, they can't survive this way for too long, and so, like an elderly man, or a horny teenage boy, find themselves getting up several times a night. Every few days, small mammels come out of hibernation to eat, excrete and watch TV, and any naturalist who stumbles into their burrow tends to find the rodents have fallen asleep whilst watching re-runs of Miss Marple.

Bears, however, do things differently. Before they go into hibernation they swallow pine cones, hair and bucket loads of stool hardeners, all of which work together to form a makeshift butt Plug. With this cork in place the bear curls up to sleep, slowing it's metabolism and dropping its body temperature by around 10 ° C. This allows it to sleep for up to 7 months without needing to defecate, urinate, or fight over the bedsheets. Often, it spends all winter in one position, living off it's own fat and muscle until springtime

To summarize; at least in the wintertime, bears do not Sh*t in the woods. By eating nothing and corking their colon, they spend the season in a constant state of constipation.

You can just imagine the queue for the toilets come spring.

Hope this helps

Marcus

This blog relies on your questions. Ask the Guru today!

Previous Pilgrims Ponderings
• 7 Ways to locate your lover
• Why does it always rain on us?
• Marketing the Chav Olympics
  

Seven Ways to Locate your Lover

September. The summer holidays are over and as the traffic begins to multiply exponentially, one reader has asked me a question about her 'back to school' experience.

Dear Guru

Will I get a boyfriend at High School

Issy

Dear Pilgrim.

I am not fond of Divination. For one thing, peering into the future involves dabbling with things mankind is not meant to know, and for another, it's a complete load of rubbish. However, with such a future based question, I had no choice but to consult the Oracles of my youth. And as the answer Playboy gave me didn't seem appropriate, I turned to the I-Ching instead.

Wu-Wang
Under heaven is the thunder
People mix in innocence without any Problem
The ancient kings accordingly fed the innumerable orphans with harvest of the season.

As far as I can tell, this means that by embracing your innocence you will lose it when a man called Oldking feeds his seed to you. Eastern mysticism is so very beautiful.

While I somewhat doubt the accuracy of this reading, there are some things you can do to increase your chances of finding love this year.

1. Get a boyfriend.
   Any one will do. According to Murphy's law people only start to show interest in you when you are unavailable. Take yourself off the market and demand for you will rise.
   
   
2. Turn Gay
   Has the same outcome as getting a boyfriend, with the added benefit that men want to date you so they can watch.
   
   
3. Love Yourself
   This is essential for any young person seeking love. Only when you love yourself can you allow someone else to love you. And when they do you're be able to show them where to put their fingers for best results.
   
   
4. Study Grease
   When Sandy wanted her guy she didn't sit around waiting for him. She went out and got him, changing her entire personality along the way. With this technique, and some dance moves from the 50's, boys will find you irresistible.
   
   
5. Copy the Popular Girls
   Who are the girls in your school that the guys fall for? The girls that have a 15 month waiting list and their names written on the boys bathroom door (normally followed by 'is a slut')? Obviously these are the kind of women the boys want, for so it can't hurt to model yourself on them.
   
   
6. Find Mr Right Now
   Most people believe that there is only 1 person for them. However if this were true then the odds of finding your true love would be around 1 in 6 billion and marriage counsellors would have a hard time getting clients. Everyone has just has many flaws as everyone else. Just make sure your guy has the right strengths for you, such as knowing where to put his fingers without your help, and work on the rest from there.
   
   
7. Ignore everything on this list
   Love is one of those annoying things that tends to up when your least looking for it, or, in my case, when you're trying to get the bathroom. Acting desperate only works for suburban housewives and drunk gay men. If you can start this year being happy alone, then you're more likely to end it being happy as part of a duo. And, worst comes to worst, at least you won't have anyone stealing the duvet covers from you.
   

Finally, I'm sure as well that my pilgrims have some more sensible ideas and will leave them in the comments to this post, so it will be worth looking there to see what they have to say.

Hope this helps

Marcus

Love, of a certain kind, lives at Humor Blogs

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Why does it always rain on us?

As most of my Pilgrims 's are unemployed they have a lot of time to stare out the window and think.

Xander was looking out the window the other day and decided to ask me this question.

Why is it that when it's hot it's too hot and when it's cold, it's too cold. Why are we never happy?

Xander

In fact, this happens less often than you may Imagine. Around the word there is only a small number of countries that complain about the weather, and you can probably guess which one does it the most.

A Google search for "weather Complain" results in a whole first page devoted to pages ending .co.uk. Considering there are 5 times as many .com pages on the web than .co.uk ones this is quite an achievement. in fact pitting "moan weather .co.uk" against "moan weather .com" comes in at 5 to 2. Britain is a nation of moaners, and I don't, unfortunately, mean that in a good way.

(Although doing a Google Search for the term "Guru Is Stupid" comes in with 2,590,000 results, so I'm not sure how reliable this method is...)

It makes you wonder what exactly it is we Brits have to moan about. It may be that our weather is unpredictable but on a global scale, it is remarkably boring. We don't often have to contend with blizzards or tornado's, even a 'strong storm' is a rarity. It's not even like our weather is unique. The weather is just as interesting in France and Germany and they don't moan about it half as much as we do. In fact human beings are highly advanced at Thermoregulation, and in all due theory, should feel comfortable no matter what the heat outside.

So why do we spend so much time criticizing the weatherman?

Xander asked me a question before about why his workmates great him by saying 'alright?' and the answer to both his questions is the same. The English moan about the weather as way of opening conversation. It is a safe topic of conversation that is unlikely to cause offense, and very unlikely to result in a serious conversation that would require the anyone to actually put any effort in. The rules on weather conversation are actually quite clear. If it's sunny it's too hot, If it's chilly it's too cold, if it's raining they'll be floods tomorrow and if it's snowing they'll be traffic jams and 3 foot of snow by the morning. If anyone ever dared to say that actually they rather like it when it's raining their fellow conversationalists would be so confused they would most likely stand there fumbling for a while before finally excusing themselves to go find someone more sane to chat too.

As such English moan about the weather as a way of shaking hands with each other. A simple statement that everyone can agree with, no-one has to think about, and has almost no possibility of accidentally becoming a serious question.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

Every day is a sunny day at Humor Blogs

This blog exists because of your questions. Ask your questions and help this worthy cause.

Other Questions for the Guru

• Marketing the Chav Olympics
• Who or What is a Chav?
  
• Is this woman to old for me?
  

How to market the Chav Olympics

Following on from my previous posts on the topic of Chavs a reader writes,

Dude!!!

How's it hanging?

Right...I, like yo it seems, have a clear distate for the scum that litters our streets; not the chip wrappers or empty bog rolls, but the eloquently named "chavs"

I have an amazing plan to help clean up the sreets but am unsure of marketing technique.

Scenario - The Chav Olympics

Several chavs are asked to run the 100metre hurdles under the belief that the winner can have much beer, fags and un-protected sex. However at the finish line are a few of your average joe, hard working, chav hating guys. They have 9 irons, 2 by 4's, bats, hockeys sticks etc etc...

As the Chavs leap the final hurdle it is their job to crack em as hard as possible across the jaw, hopefully shattering it...the winner is determined by distance travelled. I.e, the guy that cracks the chav the furthest wins and gets to walk down his street wothout the fear of his house getting done over while he's geting the newspaper...

So...question...how can I market this and make it happen???

Much Love,
Stevee

As an enlightened soul, I am naturally against violence to all forms of life. Despite the fact that this definition may not apply to Chav's, I can not endorse you treating so many of my readers so aggressively. By their very nature Chavs know nothing making them a boon to me. And when you consider that most of their questions are along the line of 'Where's the nearest Off-License?' they're wonderfully easy for me to deal with.

However as the Olympics come to an end shortly, and the paralympics doesn't start for another 2 weeks, we do need something to fill the gap. As I can't be bothered to think of anything better, your idea will have to do.

There are 2 audiences for this event and both of them will need different marketing tactics.

Firstly, you need to attract the viewing public and the Chav Beaters. This can be done quite effectively through traditional advertising methods such as Television, poster campaigns and stupid youTube Videos. If you pepper the adverts with words longer than 4 letters they will be completely incomprehensible to Chav Kind and thus remain completely ignorant of your true intentions. Placing the ad's in a place where Chav's never go, such as school, will make doubly sure they remain unaware. As for Television advertising, you should be safe providing you avoid Channel 4.

An event like this will largely sell itself to the the viewing public without much effort. The combination of Chav's and baseball bats, rings like a circus to the average viewer, and nothing attracts a crowd like lots of dumb creatures and the possibility of seeing someone get hurt.

It should also be quite easy to get Sponsors for an event of this kind. In this case I would start with Channel 4...

Secondly you need to interest chavs in the games.
This can probably be achieved like this


Of course all Olympic ceremonies need a big opening event. Beijing gave an excellent example of this with their over-rehearsed, over-funded and over-whelming tribute to Communism. However for the Chav Olympics something simpler will probably suffice. A popular form of Chav entertainment is to drink cheap cider until someone throws up or gets arrested. If accompanied by Classical music and Fireworks I'm sure this would be highly entertaining.

Finally, you may want to consider involving some other Chav sports to make the games more excting. For example, while not include Drunken Chav Boxing, speed chain-smoking, and the old favourite, the flee from commitement.

I wish you the best of luck.

Marcus

Another Chav Olympic Sponsor is bound to be Humor Blogs

Seek and you shall find. Ask the Guru.

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The Meaning of The Word 'Chav'

After reading "To 'Catch a Chav'", one of my (possibly less educated) readers came to me with this question:

Dear Guru,

Chavs? Okay o' wise one up a pole - enlighten me and tell me why they are called Chavs. As a mere colonial, I have no clue what you are talking about!

Linda

Dear Pilgrim,

No-one is entirely sure when this vulgar term first crawled out of the swamp but there are many theories about it all of which are wrong.

Among the most popular beliefs is that 'Chav' is an Acronym for "Council House and Violence." This, however, is about as likely as Barrack Obama becoming the next President. There are also those who believe the word was used by the Women of Cheltenham Ladies College as a way of describing the young males of Cheltenham, or the 'Cheltenham Average.'

Those with slightly more education than your average "Council House Aggressive Vermin" however, believe the word has far older origins, dating back to the Gypsy word 'Chavi' or child. As a Chav is basically a dirty, thieving, unhealthy, swearing, homeless child with a back-to-front baseball cap this seems appropriate.

The word began as an derogatory term, used by the middle and upper classes, to describe the working class, Burberry wearing, council estate teenagers who spent most of their time smoking, drinking, and getting 'ASBOs' (Anti-Social Behaviour Orders). However, the word became overused by the Tabloids ("Rapists! Chavs! Murderers! Don't go outside!") and soon became embraced by the very people it was supposed to offend, the same way that 'Queer' has been embraced by the faggots. Their favourite lower class noun gone, the Upper class resorted to synonyms such as 'Townie', 'Pikey', or 'that filthy brat of a child in number 10' instead.

Nowadays Chavs can largely be seen hanging around Multi-storey car parks, drinking beer, smoking and using their mating call, illegally downloaded hip-hop played through a tinny mobile phone speaker, to lure the opposite sex into unprotected fumbles. As such they are highly proficient breeders, but, rather like sea-turtles, expect their offspring to raise themselves, the only difference being that Turtles will swim miles out of their way and face great hardship, to deposit their eggs safely on the beach whereas Chavettes will drink, smoke and get high during their pregnancy, only to sue the Hospital when their baby is born underweight. It will then be left to the Grandparents to raise the Child while the Chavette spends the next few years complaining to her homies about the 'sad ass d*ck of a father' who left her to raise her brat of a child on her own.

Hope this helps

Marcus

The one place you won't find Chavs is at Humor Blogs. Clicking there will help more people see this post however and educate themselves.

This blog can't exist without your questions. What do you need to know?

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Is She Too Old For Me?

This week, I tackle a toy boy's teaser,

Dear Guru,

My girlfriend is 11 years older than me. I love her and we're going to have a baby soon. Would our age be an issue once we get married?

Thirsty for your enlightenment,

Jessie

Dear Pilgrim,

It is often said that Age is just a number, and in many ways this is true. However in many other ways that's the kind of stupid thing people say when they're going through a Midlife Crisis. As far as numbers go Age is pretty important, especially if you happen to be older than your life expectancy. It's the number that tells when you can start drinking, when you can get married, when you can start work, when you can retire, and when you should probably start thinking about not drinking anymore. In fact it's one of the only numbers you will ever encounter that truly matters. Well that, and the number of inches in your underpants.

In your case, there are several factors to consider. For one, exactly how old are you? For example, if you are 34 and your Fiancée, 45, then the age gap will have a minimal affect after you are married. It will also reduce the number of years you have to spend together until 'death does you part' and you get to inherit all her money. If however she is 21 then you may want to inform the nearest trusted Adult. I would also question how she is carrying a child when you aren't physically capable of reproducing yet.

Assuming you are of a reasonable dating age however, (and if you're not then you should probably seek adult permission before reading this blog) a relationship depends on what you put into it. For example, I give my wife plenty of space and time alone and she repays me by cooking, cleaning, earning our soul income, and raising our child. It's a partnership you see, and, providing both are willing to work for it, age should be irrelevant. The celebrity world is full of couples with large Age Differences: Madonna is 10 years older than Guy Ritchie and they seem to be doing just fine...

Finally, there is actually a rule of thumb which applies here about socially acceptable age difference.

Providing this rule is true for you, then your new mother-in-law shouldn't gossip about you too much. But fortunatly, no-one in her Age-Concern meetings would be able to hear her clearly anyway.

Hope this helps and I wish you both the best of luck

Marcus

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If you have Questions I have Answers

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How to be an Internet Billionaire

Oh great guru. I am convinced of your wisdom after reading only a single post. I am trying to make a billion dollars with my new website http://www.the-mayan-calendar.com while at the same time spreading a green message about the mayan calendar like you in your infinite wisdom have done so elegantly. I have already brought attention to your knowing ways at: http://www.the-mayan-calendar.com/mayan-myths.htm

How can I improve this? Being a Guru I know your time is valuable. I am only a student. Please bless me with a touch. And I tried calling you from Guatemala but your line was busy... What gives?

Dear Pilgrim,

I was once like you. Lost on an Endless pursuit for wealth. I worked more than 7 hours a day desperate for the miserable pay my Fat-Cat Bosses paid me, every penny of which was taken by my wife for food, clothes and her extravagant, but necessary, bin bag full of make-up.

I, like many before me, was caught in a trap, believing I could ‘work’ my way to freedom, I wasted my life begging for the next scrap of attention from my superiors.

And then I discovered ‘the $ecret to $uccess!’

Now I spend my days in my dream home,

take the Vacations I want to take

and do the things I want to do.

In short I’m living my life the way I want too.

And now, I’m going to teach you how to be as successful as me.

This is not a ‘Get Rich Quick Scheme.’ This is a genuine way to Get Rich Quickly!

But don’t take my word see what these fictional people had to say!

“Thanks to this scheme I’m now earning so much money a week that I lose more than half of it as Tax! Thank you for helping me to make the country a better place!”

-Mr A Childs (Patriotic Champion)

“I love using exclamation marks but before they were just too expensive!!!! Thanks to your tips I’m can now use ‘multiple’ Exclamation marks without having to get an overdraft first!!!!!!!”

-Tara Blessing!!

“Before this scheme I was just a Gay Man. Now I’m a Gay Man with his own Cruise company!”

-Mr Randy Cruise

In this scheme I’ll teach you

• How to rip off gullible people by creating web pages just like this one.
• How to create sales fever by use Bold and Colour Randomly.
  
• How to make sites look professional by adding a Bulleted List!

Using these simple techniques you can make money in your sleep!

So why isn’t everyone doing it? Because I won’t let them! Only a limited number of people know these secrets. People just like you. People eager to make millions with absolutely no effort. People capable of finding this website!

Buy my E-book today and start making money straight away.
Normally, this E-book would cost you $799.99. But today I’m letting you have it for

$69.95!

There are only
400
200
3
of these Fortune Making E-books left!

Don’t miss out on this once in a lifetime opportunity!
Order now and start your new $$$ life Today!

Marcus

Humor Blogs makes the whole world richer

Ask me Your Questions, I'll tell you some Lies!

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Why the Guru is Great and Wikipedia is Wicked

I'm back from my holiday, and will shortly be sharing some of the enlightenment the USA imparted to me. But in the meantime, here's a fan's question from my previous post on Chinese Superstition.

Are you serious? Forgive my rude behavior, but that was scarcely even informative. Besides, the part where you did supply a minimal amount, in which was not completely absurd, it was pasted off an unreliable source such as wikipedia. Is this site supposedly an informative one or merely for amusement?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous.
(What a name! Were your parents especially introvert?)

To misquote Tennessee Williams (a writer in case they don't teach culture during afternoon repeats of wrestling) ‘What a fantastic question! Fantastic of you to think of it and fantastic of me to answer it!’

But then, I'm that kind of Guru. I have always depended on the ignorance of strangers.

And it's nice to hear from a true fan, someone who takes the time and effort to comment with their question rather than spend 30 seconds looking at the blog to the answer themselves. That's devotion, and I thank you for it. But then so often it is the most devoted disciple who is also the neediest. The proficient disciples seem to spend most of their time trying to be bigger than me. I encourage their quest, providing their share the secrets with me when they discover them. I've been using one of those pumps for years but to no avail.

My Pilgrim, you may consider your rudeness forgiven. I will admit that at first I assumed you were a bit Buddha, but then saw your Americanised spelling of ‘behaviour’ and suddenly everything made sense.

To answer your question this blog is designed to be a place where I can share my wisdom, which was first communed to me by a stuffed, orange toy snake, who inspired me to meditate for 8 hours a day on top of a 15 foot pole overlooking Bristol. If that sounds as if it is ‘merely for amusement’ you should see what some other religions believe!

And regarding Wikipedia, did you know that absolutely everyone can edit it, giving it the highest number of editors ever involved in a single project? Have you ever spoken to an editor? They’re hideously anal. If there was a dispute over the origin of Chinese Superstitions, they’d not only know about it, they’d have written a 500 page essay about it and then commenced to argue about the punctuation.

And besides, Wikipedia, is easy. I'm not going to lug the Complete Encyclopedia Britannica up my pole every time I need to know what Stereographic projection is.

Hope this helps, or at least encourages you to comment again and give me more inspiration.

Marcus

If you are looking 'merely for amusement' then Humor Blogs might be what you're looking for.

Have Questions? The Guru has Answers!

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10 steps to greater Self Confidence.

Dear Guru,

How can I get more self confident

Juliane

Dear Pilgrim.

I feel your pain. We've all faced hard times; when our get up and go gets up and goes; when we feel worthless and pointless and it seems no-one loves us, when we feel completely alone, stuck on my pole, isolated & misunderstood, no-one caring if I live or die; as if I might as well kill myself in the morning and....

Sorry. Excuse me a second. [....]

As I was saying, we've all had our self esteem fail us. My self confidence suffered terribly when I was a salesmen. You might find it hard to believe, given that I'm naturally suave and sophisticated, but selling is not my forte, and my failure to hit targets drove me into depression, to the point where it was a relief to come home to wife at the end of every day! My sales did improve briefly near the end of my employment but only because I cried so much people brought my policies out of pity.

Finally, I saw the light and spent several minutes researching how to improve my self-confidence, sourcing the whole of the World Wide Web to find the best techniques, and thus became the amazing person I am now. And here, for the first time, I will share these tips with you.

10 ways to increase your Self Confidence

1. Use the NLP Swish to change your negative self-images with confident ones. This amazing technique can also bring about inner calm, personal successes and World peace.


2. Surround yourself with ugly people.


3. Make the voices in your head sound like someone you hate. That way you'll feel really good telling them to 'Shut the f*** up!'


4. Love yourself. But I'd suggest refraining from doing so in public.


5. Join a low self-esteem club. Surrounding yourself with people who continuously put themselves down will make you feel great in comparison.


6. Take small, slightly illegal, risks everyday. Nothing boosts your self-confidence like a spell in prison.


7. Exercise. This won't help your self confidence, I just think you could just stand to lose a few pounds.


8. Find a highly confident, successful, superior and generally amazing mentor to guide you to confidence. My prices start at $100 an hour.


9. Prevent negative thoughts by sticking your fingers in your ears and singing loudly. This will also keep people away from you as you'll look a bit Buddha.


10. And finally, get your mirrors Gaussian Blurred.
    

Hope this helps.

Marcus

P.S. Research shows that daily laughter increases your self confidence. If so Humor Blogs is the cheapest therapy around.

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Ask me your Questions. I'll tell you no lies

• How can I cure my Chav Obsession?
  
• Can I have your wisdom teeth?
  
• What the devil are you doing up a pole?
  

Aiight Mate! An obsession with Chav Culture...

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Dear Mr Guru,

I watch far too much English television. This had lead to the situation where I find guys with accents from northern England (like Leeds) irresistible.

Please help with a suggested cure, or perhaps by catching and sending me a specimen so I can get a fix regularly..

First things first, did I mention that I speak with a perfect Northern accent?

I was listening to Radio 4 the other day, as I often do when I need some strong opinions to agree with, and Laurie Taylor was discussing Chav (see a full definition here) obsession. What had begun as a derogatory term for the poor had evolved into a fashion statement. Laurie seemed surprised at this; clearly he doesn't live in my kind of neighbourhood. All I need do to see an example of Chav Fashion is to look across the street and see my wife coming home from the neighbours. (She seems to go there more and more these days.)

Chav culture is everywhere, in our bars, our clubs, our gay scene, even our TV screens. I never watch soap operas, there's enough drama in my life without importing it from Australia, but my wife informs me that all of them, from Eastenders to Emmadell, are now Chav dominated.

Regarding your particular problem. NLP has a technique that may help cure your cravings. Simply imagine your ideal Chav in your mind, and then push the image further and further away until you can hardly see it. This is also a useful way to handle Chav's in real life.

If this technique fails however, a Chav trap can be made quite easily by leaving an unlocked Ford Fiesta in the nearest council estate.

When the new occupant pulls up at the Petrol Station for Alcohol, Fags and Porn you can make a Citizens' arrest and threaten to turn them in unless he agrees to date you.

And if you want to get rid of him for any reason simply tell him you're pregnant. That way you're never seem him again, unless of course you're regular viewer of Crimewatch.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

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Have a question for the Guru?

• What the Devil am I doing up a pole?
  
• The Origins of Dawg
  
• 10 ways to make it big in journalism
  

And that's the Tooth...

Dear Guru,
I am in the most desperate of situations and wish to seek your wisdom. My dentist has just told me that he needs to extract my wisdom teeth. Can I have yours please?

TomtheTwit

I've never been asked to give anybody a body part before. Well, except for that, and even then not very often. My wife is more the giving type, giveing love, hugs and occasional tips on how to improve myself. I've certainly never been asked to give a bone fragment. Either way, my purpose is to share wisdom, not Teeth, and as such I must decline.

Wisdom teeth are so called because they come in later in life, presumably when the grower is wiser. This was certainly true in my case, I didn’t become wise until I started listening to Luke, my toy snake. It’s amazing how much a man grows up when he stops playing around with his snake and takes it seriously instead.

Personally, I’ve never had any teeth out, wisdom or otherwise. The wife drags us to the dentist every six months, stating it’s for the Girl’s sake; she’s worse than a politician with that - anytime she wants something she'll make believe we’re doing it ‘for the children.’

The dentist always praises my teeth. Obviously the hours I spend panic brushing beforehand do their job. The Wife however always has something wrong, her teeth are so full of fillings now that the local thieves keep trying to steal them for scrap metal, and last time we went to the dentist she had to have 4 extractions. I took a whole day off from meditation just to carry her home and watch her bleed all over the couch.

I did get some fun out of it though. With her mouth too sore to eat she needed liquid food supplements instead. I’ll never quite forget the look she gave me when I mentioned quite loudly in the queue at Boots that she’d ‘forgotten to buy her Slimfast.’

Of course there are some benefits to having your wisdom teeth removed. For example, identify you from your dental records should you be killed in a plane crash. And according to rumour it makes you better at performing the act of Fellatio. Personally, I haven’t had a chance to test this, the wife spends most of her time around the neighbour’s house nowadays, but it might please you to know there are benefits to the painful extraction you are about to face, especially if you’re relatively flexible.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

All your Questions are belonging to me.

• What the Devil am I doing up a Pole?
  
• Why the hell do we say Dawg?
  
• How can I make it big in journalism
  

What The Devil Am I Doing Up A Pole?

Dear Guru

Okay, there's something you can enlighten me as to ... how does a man balance atop a pole for eight hours while still managing to think clearly? Nothing for nothing there, Mr. Freelance, but it's got to be pretty uncomfortable sitting up there in that position for that long? How does one achieve enlightenment without becoming impaled?

Inquiring minds wanna know!

Linda

I haven't actually 'balanced' for some time now. You may feel I’ve been lying to you, but that’s not true. Gurus never lie, they're annoyingly honest. We tell the whole truth to everyone. We can’t help it. Cheating husbands learn to stop their wives walking past us just incase.

There was a time when, a new naive guru, I did try to balance. I made it is as easy as possible. Many Gurus balance on flagpoles; I decided to balance on a telegraph pole instead.

But installing a telegraph pole in my back garden was no easy matter what with planning permission and architectural blueprints, not to mention the interior decorator. It took two cranes to hammer the pole into the ground, and by the time it was complete the neighbours had reported me as a public disturbance, although they claimed the noise had nothing to do with it.

When the pole was finally erected, which took 5 weeks for some reason, I grabbed Luke, my snake, and climbed its heights. Believing balancing to be an aid to meditation, I took a deep breath, enjoying the purer air, and raised my leg into the stance of the flying crane. I later learned this stance should only be attempted by professionals after years of training. And even then it should never be performed up a pole on a Blustery day.

Well no-one needs to tell me twice and, after 3 or 4 more attempts and several hospital stays, I installed a platform at the pole’s top, a job that required 4 men, 9 days and 54 unionised tea breaks.

I climbed onto my safer platform and stepped into my Tai Chi Kata. From the fighting monkey stance, I leaned forward into a punch slipping over on some bird mess on the way. It was probably the most dramatic Tai Chi Kata ever performed.

My wife asked me to stop balancing after that; it was ruining her lawn.

And so nowadays I sit. The pole, I’ve discovered, is the important thing. What you do at the top of it can be left between a Guru and his Snake.

Hope this helps

Marcus

Things that make you go 'hmm?' The Guru has the answer.

• What is the origin of 'Dawg'
  
• How can I make it big in journalism?
  
• Why do birds always poop on my car?
  

The Origins of Dawg

Dear Guru

What's the origins of the American male usage of "dawg".

Wassup dawg, you're my dawg, yeah, dawg...

Ally

I thought that this was obvious.

The word was invented by Randy of American Idol fame as a way of making the millions of viewers, all of whom have IQs that can be measured on the rictor scale, think he was cool.

Legend has it that he thought of the idea when listening to a dog howl outside his mansion in the night. The misguided judge was so impressed by the off-key intonation that he gave the dawg it's own moniker.

To this day the word dawg is used to refer to someone who is cool, sings off key, and hasn't had a bath in a month.

Marcus

Ask me your Questions

• Can I make it big in Journalism?
  
• Why do birds poop on my car?
  
• Can I keep it real after winning the Lottery?
  

Why Do Birds Always Poop On My Car?

Oh wise one,
Thank you for showing that ducks need the attention they deserve.

But please tell me why my car has become the bullseye for all bird droppings when it is not even close to a tree or building?

Grimm

My feelings on birds have been made clear, and I won't dwell on them here. Suffice to say, it was birds, and British weather, that forced me to install a clear Perspex roof over my pole. The birds found this hilarious and made it opaque within a day. I am convinced they do it deliberately. When you're stood 15 foot above the ground winged creatures perceive you as a threat and attack you anyway possible. I'm just glad horses haven’t learnt how to fly yet.

I could find no research on this topic (scientists largely being cyclists) but it is widely believed that birds have colour preferences. In nature they prefer to excrete in water, leaving no visible traces and keeping the location of their nests a secret. If your car is black, blue, or green, it may be that birds mistake it for a lake, pond or a public toilet.

They seem to especially enjoy splattering red cars. It is possible this is because they’re naturally attracted to red, the colour of berries, fruit and Virgin Broadband. Or it could simply be that birds hate a flashy car just as much as the next species.

If none of this rings true, perhaps you’re reincarnated from a python, Mongoose or Boeing 727. As you were an untimely cause of avian death in your past life, they are seeking their revenge in this one. Of course reincarnation is a fallacious fabrication with no basis in reality. But it is possible that no-one has told the birds this.

If you want to prevent birds from pooping on your car, there are several possible solutions.

You could:

• Hire some one to stand next to your car waving a bird scarer whenever you park.
  
• Cover your car in army camouflage equipment and leave it in the middle of a firing range,
• Or replace your hood ornament with a live Falcon
  

Alternatively you can paint your car the colour of bird crap -this will at least save you from having to wash it.

To be honest though, the effort is largely wasted. Birds are much like the goverment. No matter what you do, they're still crap all over you.

Hope this helps

Marcus

The Guru has the answers. Do you have the question?

• Why do ducks sleep on one leg?
  
• Why do we link red to love and anger?
  
• How can I win the lottery and keep it real?
  

8 Ways to keep it real after winning the lottery

Dear Guru

How can I win the Lottery but still keep it real?

Constant Winter

So you’ve done it! Against odds similar to that of being canonised, you’ve won the jackpot.

But how does one stay causal when one has enough money to use the pronoun ‘one’ in cold blood? Luckily, the guru is here to help.

1. Keep your day job! Too many winners resign just to crawl back to their janitor’s mop once funds dry up. Keep working, but make it obvious you don’t need to. Do as little work as possible, and spend all day complaining you hate your job. For most of you, this will mean business as normal.


2. Go on a Butlins family holiday with your nanny and entourage.


3. Think diamond in the rough. Buy brand-name tracksuits, heavy gold earrings, or a large amplifier for your Ford Mondeo. Surround yourself with items that brag “I’m rich, but I’m not going to brag about it.”


4. As your free time will be spent spending money, get your butler to keep you updated on the plot twists in your favourite soaps. This way you can still join in the gossip with 'the commons' around the water cooler.


5. Spend one day a year visiting the poorer districts of Monte Carlo


6. Live the same as before hitting the jackpot, but more expensively. Smoke a stronger strain of weed, drink imported German beer from chipped pint glasses, and when yelling at your illegitimate (but charming) children use expensive swear words, like ‘bugger' and 'damnation.'


7. Always be aware of the price of milk.


8. Don’t give anything to charity; the good vibes gained from buying new possessions last much longer, and will win you more respect from your friends.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

Read part 1 of this post - Guaranteed ways to win the lottery.
Do you have any tips for my Pilgrim? Comment and let me know!
Do you have a question needing an Answer? Ask the Guru and the answers will come!

Previous Questions to the Guru
• Part 1 - How to win the Lottery
  
• Will Stacey be allowed to come tomorrow?
  
• Why do ducks sleep on one leg?
  

How to win the Lottery

Dear Guru

How can I win the Lottery but still keep it real?

Constant Winter

Dear Pilgrim,

Your question seems to be in 2 parts so I will answer as such.

1. How can I win the lottery

As I’ve said before, the pursuit of wealth is largely pointless. I haven’t gambled or worked for some time and the government have been extremely generous. Based on my experience, no-one need ever work at all.

However for those who wish to get rich through nationalised gambling, here are some things to bear in mind.

Firstly, the vast majority of people do not win the lottery. The odds of hitting the jackpot are 1 in 13,983,816. You are more likely to become an astronaut, be killed by an item dropped from an aeroplane, or accidentally hang yourself than scoop the big one. Even the odds of winning £10 are 55.6 to 1 meaning that for every £56 you invest in the lottery you get about £10 back. As an investment, this is only slightly more reliable than a savings bond with Northern Rock.

The only way to make any serious gains with the lottery is to join a syndicate. Syndicates are groups of people that play the lottery together so that, like at an orgy, everyone gets a piece of the action. The more players in a syndicate the more chance you have of winning, however, the more winnings have to be shared out. This is like being at an orgy and being the last in line - what you're left with just might not be worth the effort.

If you are considering joining a syndicate, try to find one with around 13,983,816 members. At least that way you’ll almost certainly win your £1 entry fee back.

With the lotttery there is only one way to guarantee a win: get employed at your local newsagent and steal scratchcards, once a day, until you find a winner. This works doubly well, because by the time you do win you’ll have reached retirement age, and be able to leave your job without any awkward questions.

Finally, if all this gambling seems like too much hard work, consider running for President instead. You’re more likely to get elected than win the Jackpot anyway and the pay is significantly better.

And of course, when you’re President, you can go to all the orgies you like.

Hope this helps

Marcus

Part 2 Coming Soon - How to keep it real! Suscribe to the Freelance guru RSS to be the first to find out.

Ask the Guru. Find your Answer

• Will Stacey be allowed to come tomorrow?
  
• Why do ducks stand on one leg?
  
• Why do we link red to love and anger?
  

Helping Stacey Come

Dear Guru

Will Stacey be allowed to come tommorrow?

Darrenshine

What is stopping Stacey coming I wonder? Does she have an overly strict mother? A selfish lover? Is she forced to stay at home and cook for the children?

Does Stacey trust you? She may not want to come if she feels nervous around you. When I feel anxious, I talk to my stuffed snake, Luke. Maybe you have a stuffed snake Stacey can talk too? Maybe stroking your snake will help her feel more relaxed about coming? Try to find an average sized snake however as most woman feel intimated by very big ones.

Perhaps Stacey is agoraphobic? Does she panic when she opens the door and sees how far away the horizon is? If so this would be why she cannot come as she cannot leave her house, and it may be necessary for you to come to her instead. Blinkering Stacey may help here! A riding crop may be needed however to make her come and keep her focused.

Maybe Stacey believes coming will send the wrong message. A woman must be careful, at least until marriage, after which she will probably never come when you want her to again. If she feels she can trust you she will come eventually. Treat her to some wine, this has encouraged many women to come before.

If however, it is Stacey’s mother stopping her from coming, more drastic measures are required. Engage all your charm by letting her mother come first. By giving her mother this honour and letting her come before her daughter she will be able to see you are a caring, non-threatening, morally erect gentlemen, and Stacey will be allowed to come before you know it. As an added bonus, this 'let them come first' technique works on fathers and husbands too.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

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