The Modern Guru

Pilgrims these days have it too easy.

There was a time when Gurus were considered Gods. After all, they knew everything, sat in high places, and looked awesome in Sandals! Pilgrims would trek miles to see them. And, in those days, a trek meant just that. Pilgrims would walk for days, or at least ride Donkey Back (which isn't as much fun as it sounds.) And they would suffer great hardship, cross mountains and deserts, brave droughts and storms, and worst of all, put up with their children asking 'Are we there yet?' every few miles. By the time they finally reached the Guru, normally at the top of a mountain or in the middle of a treacherous forest, they would have faced so many difficulties, struggles and challenges that the journey itself had transformed them. Then all the Guru had to do was point out the many lessons they had already learnt, and the Pilgrim's went away happy.

Now adays, however, the biggest struggle my Pilgrims go through is Airport Security. I've tried to remind them of the lessons learnt thanks to the cramped conditions of EasyJet or the humbleness gained by taking off one's shoes to pass through an Airport scanner, but somehow it just doesn't come off the same.
There was a time when I even considered living on a mountain, so pilgrims at least needed to climb a little, but my wife started complaining we'd be too far from the supermarkets....

The ever shrinking size of the world has meant that today's Guru has to be a lot sharper than the guru of old. You can't fob people off the way you used too. Nowadays, if you tell a Pilgrim, "The answers lie within each of us. All must find the answers their own way," they start demanding their money back and threaten to write to the Ombudsman.

Not that it's a problem for me of course however, these troubles are a small price to pay for the joy of knowing I have made the world that little bit wiser.

And of course, I know everything, or at least I will do after a quick look on Google. The shrinking world does have some benefits after all.

Marcus

I know all the answers. Humor Blogs knows all the Jokes.

Nowadays it's almost to easy to Ask me your questions.

Recent posts
• Aliens live among us
  
• Review of Madonna's world tour
  
• Marketing the Chav Olympics
  

The Truth is Out There - Do Aliens Exist?

"Do you believe in Aliens?"

It's a question I get asked a lot. (Well, not that question. No one cares enough about me to be fussed what I ‘believe’ in; they're only after my knowledge. It's a shallow friendship, but I'll take anything I can get. What they actually ask is, "Is there something out there?" or "Are we alone in the Universe?" but those questions just don't open a post so dramatically.)

An appallingly large number of my pilgrims ask me this question and my answer is always the same.

With a gentle smile and a shrug I reply, "The universe is as infinite as my Knowledge. The odds of the Earth being the only planet which supports life are so small that someone with a brain such as yours could not hope to understand them."

At which point, they normally reply, "Yeah, but are there Aliens?"

For some reason trekking halfway around the world to get the answer 'maybe' just isn't good enough for them.
And so, to end this Tom-foolishness, I will give the answer. For the first time I will answer this question definitively, here and now. I only hope your infantile brains are ready for it.
Aliens exist. Somewhere, in the universe there is at least one other inhabited planet. Fact.

But it is highly likely that any Aliens that do exist have not evolved to be anything beyond the level of worms or birds. In fact, if Aliens co-habit this planet with us at all then there are almost certainly in bird form; the birds always gather around my pole, and Aliens are often said to seek 'the leader.'

However, there are no aliens speeding around our planet in their hyped up Ford Star-cruisers, revealing themselves to lonely Kansas Farmers, or purposefully leaving behind evidence of their existence. There is evidence of course, which I'll discuss in a later post, but frankly, if this is the best Aliens can do then they certainly aren't intelligent.

Either way, this is certain. There is intelligent life out there, or at least, there will be one day, and I for one welcome it. For one thing they'd be more people to share my wisdom with. And, when you're in the Guru business, you are always in need of less intelligent forms of life.

Do you believe in Aliens? Why? Add your comments and let me know.

Marcus

There is more things at Humor Blogs than are dreamt of in your philosophy, dear pilgrim

The Answers are out there. Ask the Guru

Recent posts
• Reviewing Madonna's Sticky and sweet tour
  
• Marketing the Chav Olympics
  
• Definition of a 'Chav'
  

Madonna gets sticky. Sweet! - A review.

On Saturday, I went to see Madonna.

Now I know what you're thinking, but it wasn't to finally talk her out of Kaballah. Instead it was for the opening Gig of her new tour, Madonna - Sweet and Sticky. One of my wife's friends had brought too many tickets, so we snapped them up, left My Little Girl with the next door neighbours (who spent the while time telling her how useless I was,) and I booked a coach to Cardiff to see the Queen of pop.

Eventually, Almost 2 hours late, Madonna appeared on the stage.

The show was more extravagant than my Wife's cooking, and almost as scary. Through more than 20 songs. 16 dancers, and and more costumes than any 50 year old women should own, the highly sculpted icon forced herself onto the crowds consciousness. The women seems to be obsessed with sex, as she spent most of the concert writing on the floor. Either that or possibly she is epileptic. But there is something about Madonna that defies belief. Any other women of her age miming intercourse with men as young as me would be sold in the cross-gen section of the porn shop, yet, somehow, Madonna still eludes the sexiness of a teenager. You almost feel like you'd be arrested if you slept with her.

Controlling the crowd like the bitchy Argentinean First Lady she once portrayed so incorrectly, she worked her way through more remixed Pop than Coke-a-Cola as 5 Massive LCD screens floated around the stage, allowing her to perform pre-recorded duets with the likes of Kayne West and Justin Timberlake. and you can imagine my excitement when Britney Spears appeared on the screens as part of a new concept video for Human Nature.

Not to say that the show was all meaningless fun. The fourth act opened with a shameless plug for Barrack Obama, the man who obviously can't be President, and during Like a Prayer, the LCD screens tried to convince the crowd that all religions are the same thing, a ridiculous assertion which any Guru would tell her. The only true religion is the one that particular Guru Supports.

But no matter how controversial her politics or her remixes, Madonna has still got it. Despite being old enough to be my mother (I can certainly imagine her packing my lunchbox) her Dance version of Like a Prayer, and her Rock and Roll edition of Hung Up on You, left the crowd down on their knees begging for more. And when the LCD Screens closed around her one final time with 'Game Over' flashing on them like an antiquated Arcade machine, you knew that Madonna had years left in her yet. Like the old jukeboxes that used to play her records, all you need is another quarter and Madonna can entertain you all night long.

Marcus

Humor Blogs keeps on dancing

When you Call on me it's like a little prayer!

Recent posts
• Ask the Guru your questions
  
• Ways to Market the Chav Olympics
  
• The Guru's sense of Style