How to be an Internet Billionaire

Oh great guru. I am convinced of your wisdom after reading only a single post. I am trying to make a billion dollars with my new website http://www.the-mayan-calendar.com while at the same time spreading a green message about the mayan calendar like you in your infinite wisdom have done so elegantly. I have already brought attention to your knowing ways at: http://www.the-mayan-calendar.com/mayan-myths.htm

How can I improve this? Being a Guru I know your time is valuable. I am only a student. Please bless me with a touch. And I tried calling you from Guatemala but your line was busy... What gives?

Dear Pilgrim,

I was once like you. Lost on an Endless pursuit for wealth. I worked more than 7 hours a day desperate for the miserable pay my Fat-Cat Bosses paid me, every penny of which was taken by my wife for food, clothes and her extravagant, but necessary, bin bag full of make-up.

I, like many before me, was caught in a trap, believing I could ‘work’ my way to freedom, I wasted my life begging for the next scrap of attention from my superiors.

And then I discovered ‘the $ecret to $uccess!’

Now I spend my days in my dream home,

take the Vacations I want to take

and do the things I want to do.

In short I’m living my life the way I want too.

And now, I’m going to teach you how to be as successful as me.

This is not a ‘Get Rich Quick Scheme.’ This is a genuine way to Get Rich Quickly!

But don’t take my word see what these fictional people had to say!

“Thanks to this scheme I’m now earning so much money a week that I lose more than half of it as Tax! Thank you for helping me to make the country a better place!”

-Mr A Childs (Patriotic Champion)

“I love using exclamation marks but before they were just too expensive!!!! Thanks to your tips I’m can now use ‘multiple’ Exclamation marks without having to get an overdraft first!!!!!!!”

-Tara Blessing!!

“Before this scheme I was just a Gay Man. Now I’m a Gay Man with his own Cruise company!”

-Mr Randy Cruise

In this scheme I’ll teach you

• How to rip off gullible people by creating web pages just like this one.
• How to create sales fever by use Bold and Colour Randomly.
  
• How to make sites look professional by adding a Bulleted List!

Using these simple techniques you can make money in your sleep!

So why isn’t everyone doing it? Because I won’t let them! Only a limited number of people know these secrets. People just like you. People eager to make millions with absolutely no effort. People capable of finding this website!

Buy my E-book today and start making money straight away.
Normally, this E-book would cost you $799.99. But today I’m letting you have it for

$69.95!

There are only
400
200
3
of these Fortune Making E-books left!

Don’t miss out on this once in a lifetime opportunity!
Order now and start your new $$$ life Today!

Marcus

Humor Blogs makes the whole world richer

Ask me Your Questions, I'll tell you some Lies!

Recent Questions Answered

• Why the Guru is Great and Wikipedia is Wicked
  
• 10 Steps to Increased Self Confidence
  
• Tips on Chav Baiting
  

Why I don't rate Wall-E

I’ve always loved Disney, ever since I watched The Little Mermaid on repeat while my parents 'faced off' in the kitchen. It was a poorly-made, pirated copy and had an episode of Casualty taped over the last few minutes (for years I was convinced Prince Eric had to have some Kidney Stones removed) but I loved it none the less.

So, the other day, I took the family to see Wall-E

And this 'Charming, audacious, and timely' Pixar release was largely underwhelming.

Now I'm not a movie Expert. This may surprise you; I am, after all, an expert on the infinite, which includes, by definition, pretty much everything, but I live off my Pilgrims donations (and the Dole) so by the time I've paid for my Snack food, Pole Tax, and subscription to Playboy, I barely have enough left for a second car, yet alone a Movie.

And when I do see movies, I normally agree with the Critics; it is, after all, much easier than arguing with them.

But for all its character, emotion and beauty, this artistic animation is lacking something:- laughter. There are less laughs in the movie than in this blog post and I left the theatre eager to get online and read some fundamentalist Religious blogs so I at least had something to laugh about that day.

Wall-E left me sombre, confused, and slightly Gassy (cinema soda does that to me). While an amazing creation, it lacks ‘Disney Magic’. (And having just had Disney magic shoved down my throat for 2 weeks I know what it should feel like.)

But my wife, my Little Girl and all the critics (except one) loved it. So, maybe, I'm alone in this.

But then, being a genius, years ahead of the popular opinion, I'm afraid loneliness is inevitable. Be it Wall-E, Religion, or Chunky Soup, I’m up on my pedestal waiting, thinking, and very, very alone.

At least, that is, until the neighbours start shouting abuse up at me from the lawn. But then they liked Ghost Ship, what the hell do they know...

Marcus

More laughs than overly pretentious Disney movies can be found at Humor Blogs.com

Got questions you want reviewed?

Recent Wisdom
• 9 Lessons the Yanks have taught me
  
• Why the Guru is great and Wikipedia is Wicked
  
• Is that less than 100 Millilitres?

9 Lessons the Yanks have taught me.

I thoroughly enjoyed my time is America. There was so much about it to enjoy.

Something about seeing my wife on the white knuckle rides, laughing, screaming, begging for it to stop... I don't know, but it reminded me of our early days together. Good times. And spending all that time with my family, after so many months spent up my pole... Well, it just warmed my heart. First time I've had heartburn in years

But now, after blessing the Yanks with my presence, I have returned to you. You must have missed me terribly. There there. Daddy's home.

The best thing about the holiday for me is that every new country I visit has more things to teach me you so long as one is humble enough to admit they have the intelligence to learn it. And so, for those of you who may not be as well travelled as I am, having gone to 2 countries other than my own in my life time, I present my observations of America.

1. In America, Bumper stickers are really, really important.
   
   
2. American's really, truly want you to have a nice day!
   
   
3. Americans really are better looking that the English are. Having done a highly scientific survey on American and English Women, carefully studying them and rating their appearance on a variety of factors, including looks, measurements, and ‘Would I Do Her?’, I have determined that American women are at least 3 points more doable than English ones. My wife assures me the same was true for her; every single American she saw was, apparently, far more attractive than me.
   
   
4. Techniques from the It’s a small world ride have been used to elicit confessions in Guantanamo bay.
   
   
5. KFC should just not be served with Mashed Potato
   
   
6. At $4 a Gallon your gas is one of the cheapest on the Planet. In the UK, petrol is at least £1,12 a litre. At 3.8 litres a Gallon that's £4.26 a Gallon. At the current conversion of 1.998 dollars to the Pound that's $8.51 a gallon. Quit whining so much!
   
   
7. Mexicans and Brazilians only travel in large groups and wear the same, brightly, coloured T-shirts.
   
   
8. Due to the short proportions of Disney Characters, the characters in Disney Parks are normally played by women as they are the short enough to fit in the suits. This means that when Mickey and Minnie hold hands or hug it’s actually kinda hot.
   
   
9. And finally, Country and Western music is truly, truly awful.

Marcus

It is said that one can recover from the horror of Country and Western at Humor Blogs.com

In this times of troubles and Doubts, Only the Guru has the Answer

Recent Posts
• Why the Guru is Great and Wikipedia is Wicked?
  
• What can I take on Airplanes?
  
• Why is white the colour of death to the Chinese?
  

Why the Guru is Great and Wikipedia is Wicked

I'm back from my holiday, and will shortly be sharing some of the enlightenment the USA imparted to me. But in the meantime, here's a fan's question from my previous post on Chinese Superstition.

Are you serious? Forgive my rude behavior, but that was scarcely even informative. Besides, the part where you did supply a minimal amount, in which was not completely absurd, it was pasted off an unreliable source such as wikipedia. Is this site supposedly an informative one or merely for amusement?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous.
(What a name! Were your parents especially introvert?)

To misquote Tennessee Williams (a writer in case they don't teach culture during afternoon repeats of wrestling) ‘What a fantastic question! Fantastic of you to think of it and fantastic of me to answer it!’

But then, I'm that kind of Guru. I have always depended on the ignorance of strangers.

And it's nice to hear from a true fan, someone who takes the time and effort to comment with their question rather than spend 30 seconds looking at the blog to the answer themselves. That's devotion, and I thank you for it. But then so often it is the most devoted disciple who is also the neediest. The proficient disciples seem to spend most of their time trying to be bigger than me. I encourage their quest, providing their share the secrets with me when they discover them. I've been using one of those pumps for years but to no avail.

My Pilgrim, you may consider your rudeness forgiven. I will admit that at first I assumed you were a bit Buddha, but then saw your Americanised spelling of ‘behaviour’ and suddenly everything made sense.

To answer your question this blog is designed to be a place where I can share my wisdom, which was first communed to me by a stuffed, orange toy snake, who inspired me to meditate for 8 hours a day on top of a 15 foot pole overlooking Bristol. If that sounds as if it is ‘merely for amusement’ you should see what some other religions believe!

And regarding Wikipedia, did you know that absolutely everyone can edit it, giving it the highest number of editors ever involved in a single project? Have you ever spoken to an editor? They’re hideously anal. If there was a dispute over the origin of Chinese Superstitions, they’d not only know about it, they’d have written a 500 page essay about it and then commenced to argue about the punctuation.

And besides, Wikipedia, is easy. I'm not going to lug the Complete Encyclopedia Britannica up my pole every time I need to know what Stereographic projection is.

Hope this helps, or at least encourages you to comment again and give me more inspiration.

Marcus

If you are looking 'merely for amusement' then Humor Blogs might be what you're looking for.

Have Questions? The Guru has Answers!

Recent Posts
• The insecurity of Airport Security
  
• Why are the Chinese afraid of the colour white?
  
• 10 ways to improve your Self-Confidence