This morning I experienced a miracle
My boiler had broken the night before. Instead of a roaring flame of heat, it provided a little red light.
Being the solutions man I am, I had an idea. According to the laws of thermodynamics electrical work produces heat - if we gathered around the red light we could warm ourselves from it's glow. My wife went to bed -- obviously she doesn't have much faith in the laws of physics -- but as it would be our first 'early night' in a long time I jumped at the chance. Or, to be accurate, I shivered at the chance and followed her to the bedroom.
Unfortunately her intentions were somewhat different to mine. Keeping all her clothes on, she lay under the Duvet and muttered that 'I couldn't even keep my family warm', as if it was my fault the boiler had broken. I pointed out that she hadn't reminded me to get it serviced, but that just seemed to make things worse. She rolled angrily away, taking most of the duvet with her and left me shivering on my own. I curled into the fetal position, and burying my head in my knees, I started to pray.
Now, I'm not religious; I gave religion up when I realised Jehovah was just a hammer-less version of Thor. But that night, lying in my bed, shivering like a vibrating toothbrush, I prayed for that it might not be so cold in the morning. 'For God's sake,' I said, 'let the bloody boiler be working tomorrow.'
As soon as it was said I realised how daft it was. "My God" is but one of a thousand. Who's to say that the Muslims aren't right, or the Hindus, or the small sect of Savages that worship Magic Wooden Aeroplanes? What if I was praying to a God that wasn't the real one. I tried again.
'Dear Jehovah, Allah, Buddha, Zeus, Thor, Vishnu and all his friends. Dear Hallowed Flying Spaghetti Monster, Ra, Great and Divine Goddess, the holy and almighty Lucifer, and all the Gods with names I can't pronounce. Dear Mother Nature, Dear Holy Spirit, Dear Gia, Dear Blessed Virgin Mary and the saints, Dear Obi Wan,
I beseech thee.Rescue me from these cold, dark times. Please, If any of you exist, make my boiler work in the morning.
Yours in anticipation. Marcus.'
The next morning, after dreaming all night that my underpants were made out of ice cubes, I launched myself into the arctic conditions of my front room and flicked on the boiler.
And that was when the miracle occurred.
The boiler still didn't work.
I had prayed to every god, spirit, and force in existence and not a single one of them had answered my prayer. The odd's of being ignored by that many deities must be thousands to one, an occurrence so unlikely it could only have been caused by some supernatural being that wished me to remain an Atheist. I gave a short prayer of thanks to Richard Dawkins, then telephoned a plumber. After all, Gods help those who help themselves.
But now as I sit here and wait for the plumber to arrive (between the hours of 8-6, some point before Summer) I realise there are in fact, 2 rather simple ways to explain away my miracle. Either there is no such thing as 'God' in any form. Or every god in existence wants me to be cold.
Either way you look at, it's a chilling thought.
