9 Lessons the Yanks have taught me.

I thoroughly enjoyed my time is America. There was so much about it to enjoy.

Something about seeing my wife on the white knuckle rides, laughing, screaming, begging for it to stop... I don't know, but it reminded me of our early days together. Good times. And spending all that time with my family, after so many months spent up my pole... Well, it just warmed my heart. First time I've had heartburn in years

But now, after blessing the Yanks with my presence, I have returned to you. You must have missed me terribly. There there. Daddy's home.

The best thing about the holiday for me is that every new country I visit has more things to teach me you so long as one is humble enough to admit they have the intelligence to learn it. And so, for those of you who may not be as well travelled as I am, having gone to 2 countries other than my own in my life time, I present my observations of America.

1. In America, Bumper stickers are really, really important.
   
   
2. American's really, truly want you to have a nice day!
   
   
3. Americans really are better looking that the English are. Having done a highly scientific survey on American and English Women, carefully studying them and rating their appearance on a variety of factors, including looks, measurements, and ‘Would I Do Her?’, I have determined that American women are at least 3 points more doable than English ones. My wife assures me the same was true for her; every single American she saw was, apparently, far more attractive than me.
   
   
4. Techniques from the It’s a small world ride have been used to elicit confessions in Guantanamo bay.
   
   
5. KFC should just not be served with Mashed Potato
   
   
6. At $4 a Gallon your gas is one of the cheapest on the Planet. In the UK, petrol is at least £1,12 a litre. At 3.8 litres a Gallon that's £4.26 a Gallon. At the current conversion of 1.998 dollars to the Pound that's $8.51 a gallon. Quit whining so much!
   
   
7. Mexicans and Brazilians only travel in large groups and wear the same, brightly, coloured T-shirts.
   
   
8. Due to the short proportions of Disney Characters, the characters in Disney Parks are normally played by women as they are the short enough to fit in the suits. This means that when Mickey and Minnie hold hands or hug it’s actually kinda hot.
   
   
9. And finally, Country and Western music is truly, truly awful.

Marcus

It is said that one can recover from the horror of Country and Western at Humor Blogs.com

In this times of troubles and Doubts, Only the Guru has the Answer

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Why the Guru is Great and Wikipedia is Wicked

I'm back from my holiday, and will shortly be sharing some of the enlightenment the USA imparted to me. But in the meantime, here's a fan's question from my previous post on Chinese Superstition.

Are you serious? Forgive my rude behavior, but that was scarcely even informative. Besides, the part where you did supply a minimal amount, in which was not completely absurd, it was pasted off an unreliable source such as wikipedia. Is this site supposedly an informative one or merely for amusement?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous.
(What a name! Were your parents especially introvert?)

To misquote Tennessee Williams (a writer in case they don't teach culture during afternoon repeats of wrestling) ‘What a fantastic question! Fantastic of you to think of it and fantastic of me to answer it!’

But then, I'm that kind of Guru. I have always depended on the ignorance of strangers.

And it's nice to hear from a true fan, someone who takes the time and effort to comment with their question rather than spend 30 seconds looking at the blog to the answer themselves. That's devotion, and I thank you for it. But then so often it is the most devoted disciple who is also the neediest. The proficient disciples seem to spend most of their time trying to be bigger than me. I encourage their quest, providing their share the secrets with me when they discover them. I've been using one of those pumps for years but to no avail.

My Pilgrim, you may consider your rudeness forgiven. I will admit that at first I assumed you were a bit Buddha, but then saw your Americanised spelling of ‘behaviour’ and suddenly everything made sense.

To answer your question this blog is designed to be a place where I can share my wisdom, which was first communed to me by a stuffed, orange toy snake, who inspired me to meditate for 8 hours a day on top of a 15 foot pole overlooking Bristol. If that sounds as if it is ‘merely for amusement’ you should see what some other religions believe!

And regarding Wikipedia, did you know that absolutely everyone can edit it, giving it the highest number of editors ever involved in a single project? Have you ever spoken to an editor? They’re hideously anal. If there was a dispute over the origin of Chinese Superstitions, they’d not only know about it, they’d have written a 500 page essay about it and then commenced to argue about the punctuation.

And besides, Wikipedia, is easy. I'm not going to lug the Complete Encyclopedia Britannica up my pole every time I need to know what Stereographic projection is.

Hope this helps, or at least encourages you to comment again and give me more inspiration.

Marcus

If you are looking 'merely for amusement' then Humor Blogs might be what you're looking for.

Have Questions? The Guru has Answers!

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Airport Security

Because the wife has decided we aren't bonding as a family recently she's taking My Little Girl and I to Disneyworld. God knows where she got the money from; it certainly didn't come from me - all of my Giro goes on Guru expenses. Obviously her illegal day care centre is growing in popularity. It's certainly messing the house p more than it used to. I mean, honestly, the woman stays at home all day, you'd think she could at least tidy up as a bit.

As the Man of the household it's apparently my job to pack the suitcase.

Airports are crazy about safety at the moment, scanning your bags, your toothpaste, your il etc and I have enough trouble with the police force as it is. There's something about a man up a pole that makes people nervous, and the local constabulary still visit every other month to check that I haven't built a bomb yet.

So the last thing I want to do is put something in our suitcase I'm not supposed to. I'm flying to America after all, the home of terrorism, and the cute little colour scheme they have to let the terrorists know when it's safe to attack. So I've been reviewing the latest guidelines for airport security and here are some of the things you are not allowed in your luggage.

1. Tweezers
   Because I don't know about you but there's no better way of passing time on a long haul flight than by styling my eyebrows


2. Knitting needles
   "Take this plane to Washington, or I'll make you wear this itchy sweater."


3. Billiard, snooker or pool cues
   Not for any saftey reason, but the stewedess get bored of being prodded by them.


4. Catapults
   Dennis the Menace takes down a boeing 747


5. Darts
   50 points if you can hit the air marshall


6. Poisons, arsenic, cyanide, weedkiller
   I'm not even allowed this in the hold. Surely if I want to destroy some weeds, or kill somebody when I land that's my business?


7. Wet car cell batteries
   But how will I power my mobile phone?


8. Radioactive materials
   But I never go anywhere without my uranium 232


9. Flammable liquids and solids
   So no deodrant, hairspray, clothing...


10. Infectious substances
    So you're telling me I can't take this plague carrying rat to the Americas?


11. Magnetrons
    The other X-men characters are allowed however


12. Organic peroxides
    If you don't do what I say right now everyone on this plane ends up looking like Eminem


13. Tools Toy/replica guns (metal or plastic)
    Real guns however don't appear to be a problem.

Marcus