Dear Pilgrim,
Your question seems to be in 2 parts so I will answer as such.
1. How can I win the lottery
As I’ve said before, the pursuit of wealth is largely pointless. I haven’t gambled or worked for some time and the government have been extremely generous. Based on my experience, no-one need ever work at all.
However for those who wish to get rich through nationalised gambling, here are some things to bear in mind.
Firstly, the vast majority of people do not win the lottery. The odds of hitting the jackpot are 1 in 13,983,816. You are more likely to become an astronaut, be killed by an item dropped from an aeroplane, or accidentally hang yourself than scoop the big one. Even the odds of winning £10 are 55.6 to 1 meaning that for every £56 you invest in the lottery you get about £10 back. As an investment, this is only slightly more reliable than a savings bond with Northern Rock.
The only way to make any serious gains with the lottery is to join a syndicate. Syndicates are groups of people that play the lottery together so that, like at an orgy, everyone gets a piece of the action. The more players in a syndicate the more chance you have of winning, however, the more winnings have to be shared out. This is like being at an orgy and being the last in line - what you're left with just might not be worth the effort.
If you are considering joining a syndicate, try to find one with around 13,983,816 members. At least that way you’ll almost certainly win your £1 entry fee back.
With the lotttery there is only one way to guarantee a win: get employed at your local newsagent and steal scratchcards, once a day, until you find a winner. This works doubly well, because by the time you do win you’ll have reached retirement age, and be able to leave your job without any awkward questions.
Finally, if all this gambling seems like too much hard work, consider running for President instead. You’re more likely to get elected than win the Jackpot anyway and the pay is significantly better.
And of course, when you’re President, you can go to all the orgies you like.
Hope this helps
Part 2 Coming Soon - How to keep it real! Suscribe to the Freelance guru RSS to be the first to find out.
16 Comments:
I see you are a probability theorist who naively expects the lumpen human masses to understand his concepts. Incidentally, a distant relative of mine was an astronaut.
i just heard a story from npr that says a majority of lottery winners end up being in a worse financial situation that they were in before because they think that they are swimming in money, when in fact they don't understand that taxes and how they tend to spend all their winnings without planning their future.
spending money on tickets is pointless. you would probably have more enjoyment burning your dollar bill than anything you may win from the lottery.
I read 5 or so hilarious witty lines on your front page. I like it here, I'll be back for sure!
Mr Bananas - Oh I don't expect it. But if I didn't try I'd only have myself to blame. Please let your relative know that I salute them!
No Milk - In fact I think winning the lottery and burning a doller are both as illegal as each other.
Mr Riley - I'm honoured, although this is a blog of wisdom, not humor. I can't imagine what you found to make you laugh...
I like the stealing of one ticket daily for your 30 years behind the counter of the local stop-n-rob, where you will have the opportunity to be utterly humiliated daily for the privilege of winning some piddling amount off a scratch ticket. Good times!
I like scratch off tickets. a lot. In fact, my favorite gift ever was a box full of them. However, I won't spend my own money buying them. That would be a waste.
Forget the lottery ... I'm more interedted in the keeping it real part. Anyway, keep it real ...
Of course you can always marry rich instead. (He's a nice boy our Rich.)
Karen - To quote the great philospher, Buzz Lightyear, You are a sad little man. And you have my pity.
Say it - Back when I worked in insurance I used to win them a lot. I used to win a prize of some scratchcards I mean, not that i used the win the scratching. Cos I never, ever did...
Marc Acito - Well I couldn't. My wife wouldn't like it...
But what would you do with the winnings on top of a pole?
I plan on winning the lottery and using the money to free Tibet.
Or buy a franchise of taco trucks and only employ men named Jesus to work them.
I haven't decided, but it will definitely be one of those two! :)
Granny - Personally I refrain from gambling anyway. Possibly I would get a new roof for my pole. I'm getting bored of British Weather
the Offended Blogger - Jesus Tacos? Why not Guru Tacos? People keep saying they want to bite my head off...
Don't forget the thermals if you win. I can only imagine today's snow played havoc with any attempt to reach enlightenment..,
ohh!...that may be impossible!...[funny blog with lots of humour]...!:)
Being of one of an unsound mind, I feel that it will take sometime to get the analogy of of being last in line at an orgy out of my head.
I know too many people who would not think twice - no matter how irrational it may seem.
Jams - The englightend soul keeps warm through the power of their mind. And lots of hot chocolate.
Brocasarea - Nothing is impossible so long as you can afford to change the laws of physics
Grimm - Not think twice about last in line at an orgy you mean? How odd..
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