A brief history of the Freelance GuruNot long ago, I sold insurance for a living. This was as awful as it sounds and twice as depressing. Then, one day, the toy snake on top of my monitor smiled at me. Right then, I realised I was wasting my life in a cascade of career prospects, pay packets and plastic tasting coffee. If a stuffed toy with no job and no money was happy why could I not be?
Despite my wife's protests, I quit my job and erected a Guru's pole in my garden, a more complicated task than you may imagine. Taking only those things essential to life, such as my mobile phone, my laptop and my Nivea intensive-care moisturiser, I climbed atop of my hermits’ erection and set myself to finding enlightenment.
Several days later, I achieved my goal.
Now, I return to my pole 8 hours a day (with the exception of Bank Holidays and weekends) to change the world. My mission is simple: I will enlighten all who come to me. Through the wisdom of the infinite, and with the aid of Luke, the toy snake who revealed my path to me, I will teach them all the error of their ways. Together, we will discover their destiny.
I am the Freelance guru − fountain of knowledge in the desert of ignorance, giver of light in a land of darkness, and the best mantra chanter in the south-west of England.
Allow me to enlighten you.
The Purpose of the Freelance Guru Blog
This blog is for those who cannot walk the hazardous path to my back garden, yet seek my infinite wisdom.
In its pages I answer the questions of all that come to me. Any who seek answers will find them here, and even those who seek nothing will leave wiser than whence they came. Through this blog's message even the most lost of Pilgrims may find his own path to the infinite.
It is a place for me to share new enlightements, teach the wisdom of the infinite to the searching masses, and keep me occupied during Pilgrim downtime.
It is the blog of the Freelance Guru. And it is the greatest gift the Internet will ever give you.
16 Comments:
That's all very well, but can you help the bloke you sold a unit-linked endowment policy to?
Until I read The Freelance Guru, I thought all gurus were smelly old opinionated men who cackled madly and gave nonsensical advice. Now I know that they don't have to be old or smelly!
LOL i had an advice column run by my friend Matt at No Milk Please. Ours was more snarky than yours though.
Okay, there's something you can enlighten me as to ... how does a man balance atop a pole for eight hours while still managing to think clearly? Nothing for nothing there, Mr. Freelance, but it's got to be pretty uncomfortable sitting up there in that position for that long? How does one achieve enlightenment without becoming impaled?
Inquiring minds wanna know!
Mr Bananas - Wait. You mean I actually mananged to sell something?
Avitable - Thankyou, you efforts will not go unrewarded.
No Milk - Gurus are never Snarky. At best you could describe them as knowingly arrogant.
Linda - Your question has been added to the list and with be dealt with in order recieved...
Ohhhh...I still sell insurance for a living! Awful, indeed.
"I sold insurance for a living. This was as awful as it sounds and twice as depressing"
Tell me about it. I work in the Insurance Industry going on 6 years now.
I just want OUT!!
The Rock Chick - I wonder what kind of insurance it is you sell? Do they sell insurance to rock!
Meleah Rebeccah - Hmm. I seem to attract a large amount of Insurance workers. Maybe they are just the most desperate people out there.
Oh, great and wise one. I could never sell insurance and so could never have your wisdom. I'm eager to hear what pearls issue forth from you and will check back often so that I may become a disciple.
I want to quit my job too! I don't know about sitting on a pole though.
Freelance: I sell it all...well, almost. I work for State Farm-we do auto, home, life, health, business, etc. It's really not all that interesting :)
For me, I am so thankful for stumbling upon your insight that I have taken it upon myself to look past the pole sitting and instead concentrate on the works that you do.
Although my wife seems to think I do my best meditation on the loo.
How would she know?
Can't I just borrow the snake? That might be more efficient.
The humour was wasted on me. Please consider making an 'about' page that actually tells us about you instead of some nonsense about a pole.
I don't understand what you me. I'm a guru. I found enlightement through sitting on a pole in my garden. The pole is my story, not just a little part of it. It defines my journey, clarifies my goals and makes a rather good conversation starter.
I'm sorry if my story was not clear enough for you.
You're trolling right? Nobody actually acts this self-righteous after sitting at a pole right?
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