And that's the Tooth...

Dear Guru,
I am in the most desperate of situations and wish to seek your wisdom. My dentist has just told me that he needs to extract my wisdom teeth. Can I have yours please?

TomtheTwit

I've never been asked to give anybody a body part before. Well, except for that, and even then not very often. My wife is more the giving type, giveing love, hugs and occasional tips on how to improve myself. I've certainly never been asked to give a bone fragment. Either way, my purpose is to share wisdom, not Teeth, and as such I must decline.

Wisdom teeth are so called because they come in later in life, presumably when the grower is wiser. This was certainly true in my case, I didn’t become wise until I started listening to Luke, my toy snake. It’s amazing how much a man grows up when he stops playing around with his snake and takes it seriously instead.

Personally, I’ve never had any teeth out, wisdom or otherwise. The wife drags us to the dentist every six months, stating it’s for the Girl’s sake; she’s worse than a politician with that - anytime she wants something she'll make believe we’re doing it ‘for the children.’

The dentist always praises my teeth. Obviously the hours I spend panic brushing beforehand do their job. The Wife however always has something wrong, her teeth are so full of fillings now that the local thieves keep trying to steal them for scrap metal, and last time we went to the dentist she had to have 4 extractions. I took a whole day off from meditation just to carry her home and watch her bleed all over the couch.

I did get some fun out of it though. With her mouth too sore to eat she needed liquid food supplements instead. I’ll never quite forget the look she gave me when I mentioned quite loudly in the queue at Boots that she’d ‘forgotten to buy her Slimfast.’

Of course there are some benefits to having your wisdom teeth removed. For example, identify you from your dental records should you be killed in a plane crash. And according to rumour it makes you better at performing the act of Fellatio. Personally, I haven’t had a chance to test this, the wife spends most of her time around the neighbour’s house nowadays, but it might please you to know there are benefits to the painful extraction you are about to face, especially if you’re relatively flexible.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

All your Questions are belonging to me.

• What the Devil am I doing up a Pole?
  
• Why the hell do we say Dawg?
  
• How can I make it big in journalism
  

What The Devil Am I Doing Up A Pole?

Dear Guru

Okay, there's something you can enlighten me as to ... how does a man balance atop a pole for eight hours while still managing to think clearly? Nothing for nothing there, Mr. Freelance, but it's got to be pretty uncomfortable sitting up there in that position for that long? How does one achieve enlightenment without becoming impaled?

Inquiring minds wanna know!

Linda

I haven't actually 'balanced' for some time now. You may feel I’ve been lying to you, but that’s not true. Gurus never lie, they're annoyingly honest. We tell the whole truth to everyone. We can’t help it. Cheating husbands learn to stop their wives walking past us just incase.

There was a time when, a new naive guru, I did try to balance. I made it is as easy as possible. Many Gurus balance on flagpoles; I decided to balance on a telegraph pole instead.

But installing a telegraph pole in my back garden was no easy matter what with planning permission and architectural blueprints, not to mention the interior decorator. It took two cranes to hammer the pole into the ground, and by the time it was complete the neighbours had reported me as a public disturbance, although they claimed the noise had nothing to do with it.

When the pole was finally erected, which took 5 weeks for some reason, I grabbed Luke, my snake, and climbed its heights. Believing balancing to be an aid to meditation, I took a deep breath, enjoying the purer air, and raised my leg into the stance of the flying crane. I later learned this stance should only be attempted by professionals after years of training. And even then it should never be performed up a pole on a Blustery day.

Well no-one needs to tell me twice and, after 3 or 4 more attempts and several hospital stays, I installed a platform at the pole’s top, a job that required 4 men, 9 days and 54 unionised tea breaks.

I climbed onto my safer platform and stepped into my Tai Chi Kata. From the fighting monkey stance, I leaned forward into a punch slipping over on some bird mess on the way. It was probably the most dramatic Tai Chi Kata ever performed.

My wife asked me to stop balancing after that; it was ruining her lawn.

And so nowadays I sit. The pole, I’ve discovered, is the important thing. What you do at the top of it can be left between a Guru and his Snake.

Hope this helps

Marcus

Things that make you go 'hmm?' The Guru has the answer.

• What is the origin of 'Dawg'
  
• How can I make it big in journalism?
  
• Why do birds always poop on my car?
  

The Origins of Dawg

Dear Guru

What's the origins of the American male usage of "dawg".

Wassup dawg, you're my dawg, yeah, dawg...

Ally

I thought that this was obvious.

The word was invented by Randy of American Idol fame as a way of making the millions of viewers, all of whom have IQs that can be measured on the rictor scale, think he was cool.

Legend has it that he thought of the idea when listening to a dog howl outside his mansion in the night. The misguided judge was so impressed by the off-key intonation that he gave the dawg it's own moniker.

To this day the word dawg is used to refer to someone who is cool, sings off key, and hasn't had a bath in a month.

Marcus

Ask me your Questions

• Can I make it big in Journalism?
  
• Why do birds poop on my car?
  
• Can I keep it real after winning the Lottery?
  

10 Ways To Make It Big In Journalism.

Dear Guru,

Great to see you here with the feeelance advice?? What advice can you give me, I would like to persue freelance journalism???

സപ്ന അനു ബി. ജോര്‍ജ്ജ്

Well, firstly, try limiting your use of terminal punction to once per scentence.

Secondly, Freelance Journalism seems an odd thing to pursue. I imagine you stalking through the words, a loaded pen over your shoulder. “Be vewy vewy quite. I’m hunting wumors.’

It's a difficult career, and the fact is that no matter what channels you use no-one will ever publish any of your work, give you any tips, or help you if you get hit by a bus. But if you are willing to try anything, here are some more unique ways to get your foot in the door.

1. Don’t. Most people are not meant for Freelance Journalism the same way that most people are not meant to be parents. Just because lots of people attempt it doesn’t make them any good.
   
   
2. Hang around post-boxes and steal the post of anyone who looks like a writer. Claim their ideas, and postage stamps, as your own.
   
   
3. Walk around with a ‘Press’ card stuck into your hat band.
   
   
4. Get a gimmick. Write ‘and that’s not how Monkeys do it’ in every article you pen.
   
   
5. Get a Dictaphone and secretly record your friends’ conversations. Type up the transcripts and use them to expose your friends as communists. This won’t help you get a job as a Freelance Journalist, it’s just something that needs to be done.
   
   
6. Start a rumour that Mel Gibson experienced priestly child abuse.
   
   
7. Find a celebrity who lives near you and begin stalking them. When they ask you to stop, complain that they’re elitist, arrogant and rude. Call up the tabloids to complain.
   
   
8. Write about Princess Diana. This is almost always universally publishable.
   
   
9. Stage a hunger strike until the local papers publish your article.
   
   
10. Have an affair with some Communist Prostitutes and send an exposé on yourself to the tabloids.

Finally, do your research. Not all publications publish or want the same thing. Read things before you write to them. That way, for example, you may realise that not every blog with ‘Freelance’ in the title is about freelance journalism.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

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• Why do birds always poop on my Car
• 8 Ways to keep it real after winning the lottery
  
• Who or what is the Freelance Guru
  

Why Do Birds Always Poop On My Car?

Oh wise one,
Thank you for showing that ducks need the attention they deserve.

But please tell me why my car has become the bullseye for all bird droppings when it is not even close to a tree or building?

Grimm

My feelings on birds have been made clear, and I won't dwell on them here. Suffice to say, it was birds, and British weather, that forced me to install a clear Perspex roof over my pole. The birds found this hilarious and made it opaque within a day. I am convinced they do it deliberately. When you're stood 15 foot above the ground winged creatures perceive you as a threat and attack you anyway possible. I'm just glad horses haven’t learnt how to fly yet.

I could find no research on this topic (scientists largely being cyclists) but it is widely believed that birds have colour preferences. In nature they prefer to excrete in water, leaving no visible traces and keeping the location of their nests a secret. If your car is black, blue, or green, it may be that birds mistake it for a lake, pond or a public toilet.

They seem to especially enjoy splattering red cars. It is possible this is because they’re naturally attracted to red, the colour of berries, fruit and Virgin Broadband. Or it could simply be that birds hate a flashy car just as much as the next species.

If none of this rings true, perhaps you’re reincarnated from a python, Mongoose or Boeing 727. As you were an untimely cause of avian death in your past life, they are seeking their revenge in this one. Of course reincarnation is a fallacious fabrication with no basis in reality. But it is possible that no-one has told the birds this.

If you want to prevent birds from pooping on your car, there are several possible solutions.

You could:

• Hire some one to stand next to your car waving a bird scarer whenever you park.
  
• Cover your car in army camouflage equipment and leave it in the middle of a firing range,
• Or replace your hood ornament with a live Falcon
  

Alternatively you can paint your car the colour of bird crap -this will at least save you from having to wash it.

To be honest though, the effort is largely wasted. Birds are much like the goverment. No matter what you do, they're still crap all over you.

Hope this helps

Marcus

The Guru has the answers. Do you have the question?

• Why do ducks sleep on one leg?
  
• Why do we link red to love and anger?
  
• How can I win the lottery and keep it real?
  

Losing my Religious aid

All Gurus need an iPod. Without radio 4’s podcasts, and Britney Spears whimsical lyrics, I couldn’t cope with the more political, topical and rhythmical issues raised by my Pilgrims. It also helps when my mother-in-law visits.

Even the headphones are useful; they give me an excuse to ignore people.

A few days ago, for example, I was walking home through Lawrence Hill. Lawrence hill, as everyone knows, is a 'dodgy area', the home of Bristol’s tired, poor, and huddled masses yearning to breathe illegal substances. If Bristol had a Ghetto, it would be afraid of Lawrence Hill.

So I was somewhat alarmed (Guru’s are never afraid) when a resident started shouting at me. "Hey," he shouted, "Hey you!" In Bristolian this roughly translates as 'giv meh awl ya Doe' and, to quote the philosopher Socrates, 'screw that!' Fortunately however, because I was wearing my headphones (even though I wasn’t listening to music,) I was able to pretend I couldn't hear him. Without a second glance I walked past and headed home. The shouts got angrier, fainter, and faded away.

I was very satisfied (gurus are never proud.) It was a victory. I had managed to ignore some Bristol scum, the kind of person who so desperately needs my help and should hurry up and come to my pole to get it.

It wasn't until I got home and took off the headphones that I found they weren't connected to anything. Panicking (calmly, Guru’s are always calm) I searched my jeans, my bag, my underwear, even the secret hollow section of pole my wife doesn't know about. My iPod, my one distraction from the tediousness of the infinite, was gone.

The stranger wasn't after my riches, he was trying to give them back. I must have dropped the iPod and he was warning me. Through my ability to ignore people I had lost the thing that most helped me ignore them

That night, to atone for my pride, I tried to meditate for an hour longer than normal, but it was just too much of a strain without Britney to keep me company.

Marcus

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• How can I keep it real?
• How can I win the Lottery?
  
• Who or what is the Freelance Guru
  

8 Ways to keep it real after winning the lottery

Dear Guru

How can I win the Lottery but still keep it real?

Constant Winter

So you’ve done it! Against odds similar to that of being canonised, you’ve won the jackpot.

But how does one stay causal when one has enough money to use the pronoun ‘one’ in cold blood? Luckily, the guru is here to help.

1. Keep your day job! Too many winners resign just to crawl back to their janitor’s mop once funds dry up. Keep working, but make it obvious you don’t need to. Do as little work as possible, and spend all day complaining you hate your job. For most of you, this will mean business as normal.


2. Go on a Butlins family holiday with your nanny and entourage.


3. Think diamond in the rough. Buy brand-name tracksuits, heavy gold earrings, or a large amplifier for your Ford Mondeo. Surround yourself with items that brag “I’m rich, but I’m not going to brag about it.”


4. As your free time will be spent spending money, get your butler to keep you updated on the plot twists in your favourite soaps. This way you can still join in the gossip with 'the commons' around the water cooler.


5. Spend one day a year visiting the poorer districts of Monte Carlo


6. Live the same as before hitting the jackpot, but more expensively. Smoke a stronger strain of weed, drink imported German beer from chipped pint glasses, and when yelling at your illegitimate (but charming) children use expensive swear words, like ‘bugger' and 'damnation.'


7. Always be aware of the price of milk.


8. Don’t give anything to charity; the good vibes gained from buying new possessions last much longer, and will win you more respect from your friends.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

Read part 1 of this post - Guaranteed ways to win the lottery.
Do you have any tips for my Pilgrim? Comment and let me know!
Do you have a question needing an Answer? Ask the Guru and the answers will come!

Previous Questions to the Guru
• Part 1 - How to win the Lottery
  
• Will Stacey be allowed to come tomorrow?
  
• Why do ducks sleep on one leg?
  

How to win the Lottery

Dear Guru

How can I win the Lottery but still keep it real?

Constant Winter

Dear Pilgrim,

Your question seems to be in 2 parts so I will answer as such.

1. How can I win the lottery

As I’ve said before, the pursuit of wealth is largely pointless. I haven’t gambled or worked for some time and the government have been extremely generous. Based on my experience, no-one need ever work at all.

However for those who wish to get rich through nationalised gambling, here are some things to bear in mind.

Firstly, the vast majority of people do not win the lottery. The odds of hitting the jackpot are 1 in 13,983,816. You are more likely to become an astronaut, be killed by an item dropped from an aeroplane, or accidentally hang yourself than scoop the big one. Even the odds of winning £10 are 55.6 to 1 meaning that for every £56 you invest in the lottery you get about £10 back. As an investment, this is only slightly more reliable than a savings bond with Northern Rock.

The only way to make any serious gains with the lottery is to join a syndicate. Syndicates are groups of people that play the lottery together so that, like at an orgy, everyone gets a piece of the action. The more players in a syndicate the more chance you have of winning, however, the more winnings have to be shared out. This is like being at an orgy and being the last in line - what you're left with just might not be worth the effort.

If you are considering joining a syndicate, try to find one with around 13,983,816 members. At least that way you’ll almost certainly win your £1 entry fee back.

With the lotttery there is only one way to guarantee a win: get employed at your local newsagent and steal scratchcards, once a day, until you find a winner. This works doubly well, because by the time you do win you’ll have reached retirement age, and be able to leave your job without any awkward questions.

Finally, if all this gambling seems like too much hard work, consider running for President instead. You’re more likely to get elected than win the Jackpot anyway and the pay is significantly better.

And of course, when you’re President, you can go to all the orgies you like.

Hope this helps

Marcus

Part 2 Coming Soon - How to keep it real! Suscribe to the Freelance guru RSS to be the first to find out.

Ask the Guru. Find your Answer

• Will Stacey be allowed to come tomorrow?
  
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