Marcus Needs To Do Less Memes

Having sworn this blog would be meme free, I saw an old favourite of a meme over at Shelly's Blog and decided I'd have to give it a try.

All you have to do is enter your name into Google followed by the word 'needs' and post the results on your blog. It's a wonderful idea and I fully plan to do it with The Wife's name soon so I can see what she's been up to.

But in the meantime, here's a list of things which I need. Well, at least according to Google.

• Marcus needs to take some time out
  - Afterall there's only so much time one can spend knowing everything
  
  
• Marcus needs a Hacksaw
  - My pole could do with a few repairs
  
  
• Hannah is just what Marcus Needs
  - Hannah is, I'm quite sure, what every young man needs -->
  
  
• Marcus needs an Extreme Makeover
  - It's this darn dry skin of mine
  
  
• Marcus needs a personality change
  - Yes, well, I suppose I am a little too modest
  
  
• Marcus needs to Grow
  - Yeah, the pump I mentioned before still isn't working
  
  
• Marcus needs a family that will take pride in his African American Heritage.
  - Tru dat
  
  
• Marcus needs a beard
  - I tried to grow one once but The Wife thought it was dirt and tried to wash it off my face.
  
  
• Marcus needs to wear both Spandex and Glitter (obviously with a suit coat also)
  - Well, OHBV-iously. Although I must say, it's somewhat scary how accurately Google knows me.
  
  
• Marcus needs to be rougher around the edges
  - What? This person obviously has no idea how hard it is to be a bonified Guru.
  
  
• Marcus needs Marcus
  - Well that goes without saying. Everyone needs Marcus.
  
  
• Marcus needs to understand the impact of his sexual behavior on his younger victims.
  - Um... Moving on...
  
  
• Marcus needs to go
  - Very true. See you next time.
  

Marcus

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Is She Too Old For Me?

This week, I tackle a toy boy's teaser,

Dear Guru,

My girlfriend is 11 years older than me. I love her and we're going to have a baby soon. Would our age be an issue once we get married?

Thirsty for your enlightenment,

Jessie

Dear Pilgrim,

It is often said that Age is just a number, and in many ways this is true. However in many other ways that's the kind of stupid thing people say when they're going through a Midlife Crisis. As far as numbers go Age is pretty important, especially if you happen to be older than your life expectancy. It's the number that tells when you can start drinking, when you can get married, when you can start work, when you can retire, and when you should probably start thinking about not drinking anymore. In fact it's one of the only numbers you will ever encounter that truly matters. Well that, and the number of inches in your underpants.

In your case, there are several factors to consider. For one, exactly how old are you? For example, if you are 34 and your Fiancée, 45, then the age gap will have a minimal affect after you are married. It will also reduce the number of years you have to spend together until 'death does you part' and you get to inherit all her money. If however she is 21 then you may want to inform the nearest trusted Adult. I would also question how she is carrying a child when you aren't physically capable of reproducing yet.

Assuming you are of a reasonable dating age however, (and if you're not then you should probably seek adult permission before reading this blog) a relationship depends on what you put into it. For example, I give my wife plenty of space and time alone and she repays me by cooking, cleaning, earning our soul income, and raising our child. It's a partnership you see, and, providing both are willing to work for it, age should be irrelevant. The celebrity world is full of couples with large Age Differences: Madonna is 10 years older than Guy Ritchie and they seem to be doing just fine...

Finally, there is actually a rule of thumb which applies here about socially acceptable age difference.

Providing this rule is true for you, then your new mother-in-law shouldn't gossip about you too much. But fortunatly, no-one in her Age-Concern meetings would be able to hear her clearly anyway.

Hope this helps and I wish you both the best of luck

Marcus

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The Guru hits 50

I've been watching it track up over the last few days and, finally, today, my feedburner counter hit 50. 50 people a day are reading this blog!

For a relatively obscure blog like this one with only 34 posts over 7 months (what can I say, I'm a busy Guru!) that's an excellent result and a third of the way towards my target of 150 readers by the end of 2008!

I'd like to say that this success was all down to you: so I will. No matter what I write, if my beloved Pilgrims didn't subscribe to this blog and tell others about it then I might as well be sitting up this pole talking to my stuffed snake all day. My stuffed snake would probably like that but that's not the point...

But our work is not yet done. Billions remain who are not yet aware of the truth, lost souls in need of someone to show them the way. It is imperative that all who seek shall find, and it falls on you, Pilgrim, to lead them to the light.

I mean after all, I'm perched on a 15 foot pole, it's not like I can reach out and grab people. Unless... I had a very long grabbing pole! Very long Grabbing Pole! I'll get to work straight away.

But in the meantime, here's all I ask of you. If you read something you like here add a link to it from your blog; there's a good chance your blog readers will like it too. Or if you're too shy to tell your readers then Stumble, Digg it, or submit it to the social network of your choice. There are links at the bottom of every post which make doing any of these things almost as easy as enjoying my well taught, brilliantly entertaining lessons.

I think it was Kermit the Frog who said "Be the change you want to be in the world." If you want the world to be a wiser, happier, more enlightened place tell your friends, lovers, co-workers and shopkeepers about The Freelance Guru. Especially talk to stupid people.

Thank you for all your support. Together we can make your world that little bit wiser.

Marcus

I'm running short of Questions! Seek your wisdom here...