Relax and beat your nerves with a professionally written speech

Have to give a speech? Worried about what to say? Beat the fear of public speaking with a professionally written speech

After years of writing for fun, I've finally decided to set up a business, and am now offering to write wedding speeches for your next big occasion. I  can work with you to prepare your next speech and make it something you'll look forward to delivering.

Using my 5 rules of successful speeches I can create the right speech for you. I'll even show you how to deliver the speech, so you can relax knowing everything will be perfect on the big day.

Be a confident public speaker with a Freelance Speech! 

• Free up your time to focus on what you do best 
• Beat the fear and enjoy giving your speech 
• Trust in every word when you stand up to talk 
• Get presentation notes and tips so you can deliver the speech like a pro 
• Order with confidence: If you don’t like it – it’s free!

What speeches am I offering?

• Father of the bride speech
• Best man speech
• Groom wedding speech
• Christening or naming ceremony speech
• Birthday or party speech
• Retirement speech
• Eulogy (Funeral speech)

Whether you only have 4 hours or 4 months I can help out with your speech. I can also edit your existing speech for you as well. 

See what people are saying about Freelance Speeches

I want to say that Simon is a wonderful speech writer. He helped me from my first, terrible draft to the very end; a complete and beautiful speech. Thanks to his ability I am also confident now to get up and give my speech! Thank you, Simon. - Jimmy D

The story of Freelance Speeches

I have a nervous stammer and as a child I struggled to talk. Even now, if stressed, I struggle on certain letters. M’s and W’s are my nemeses.

So when I stood up to speak at my grandfather’s funeral I was shaking with fear, certain I was going to stumble over my words. But I didn’t stutter once from the first word to the last.

The reason? I trusted in the words I’d written and because of that it was easier to find the confidence to speak them out loud.

When I sat down again I knew I’d learned something new.  The biggest battle with public speaking is finding the right words to say. Every great speech starts with a great script, and I decided to spend my life helping other people find the right words to say as well.

Sometimes I still stammer when answering the phone, but I love talking to my customers and finding the right words for them. And nothing gives me more pleasure than when they thank me for helping them to stand up and find their voice.

Simon is blogging again!

For those of you that are still here, I've started a new blog, on a slightly different topic, over at spiritualatheist.co.uk.

It will still be the same style of writing although maybe just a little more mature now, and with a little bit more information and opinion thrown in for good measure.

Take a look and give me some tips on how to make it better. 

Why don’t we Box on Boxing day?

Ah boxing day! The Christmas frenzy is over and people are finally ready to reflect on how much money they’ve spent this Christmas, how annoying certain members of their family are and how long they’ve ignored their blog for. I for one had my mother round this Christmas. I hoped it would be rather pleasant. Unfortunately, I forgot that when my mother and The Wife combine they use me for target practice. Metaphorical target practice of course, they simply complain about me when I’m just within earshot, but their training up My Little Girl and she is somewhat more literal. I told my wife not to get her that dartboard with my face on it. Accidents will happen I said. And as usual, I was right. Fortunately my left eye has always been the weak one anyway.

Many people, it seems, are confused by boxing day. It has, I can say from experience, nothing to do with boxing. Regrettably I only found this out after an unfortunate attempt to hold a boxing match with Luke, my pet snake, on the top of my pole one year. I have never quite worked out how he won, what with the lack of hands and everything, but my wife assures me it was a fair fight and the frying pan in her hand was just because she was cooking breakfast. It was 8 in the evening at the time, but apparently she was practising for the next day.

Boxing day instead, got its name for two reasons. Firstly, it is the day when people give to the poor, filling the charity boxes with their change. (Talking of which, don’t forget my change bowl on your way out!) Secondly it is the day when merchants would be given their Christmas box – the gifts they received in return for good service throughout the year.

Now adays of course it a day mostly given to reflection, digestion, and watching repeats on TV that weren’t good the first time round. If this sounds like a bore to you you can always spend your time thinking up some questions for me instead. It can’t be a worse way to spend your time than eating your wife's Turkey Sandwiches.

A very happy Christmas to you. And remember: A Guru is for life. Not just for Christmas.

That Richard Dawkins Fellow...

That Richard Dawkins fellow... If I had idols, he would be among them.

I wrote to him once - gave him some pointers on 'meme theory'. I gently pointed out that a 'meme', rather than being a cultural idea which evolves and passes down generations, was an annoying blog post that spread through the blogosphere like Swine Flu. He never replied - guess he felt threatened by my superiority.

But the man is almost, but not quite, as brilliantly clever as I am. I pull it off more elegantly of course, but he tries. Being almost, but not quite, completely enlightened must take it out of you. That probably explains why he seems so irritable all the time.

It's nice to see the other side of him every now and then though, as in this interview between Richard Dawkins and the Times.

Give it a read. If for no other reason it will at least stop you from asking me something stupid like, 'Is the world only 6,000 years old?' I mean, come on, use yor brains people. If the world was only 6,000 years old there'd still be dragons flying around...

Drive-by muttering

Was walking home today when a car pulled up next to me. The driver, my neighbour, stuck his head out the window, shouted something at me, raised his middle finger and sped away.

I have absolutly no idea what he said. I find that more annoying than the action itself. You'd think if someone was going to go through all the effort of a drive-by insult, they'd at least learn to articulate.

It's Hot, whatever the weather

I never really understood the point of websites that tell you the weather. From the top of my pole it's incredibly simple to know the current condtions, and it doesn't really make much difference anyway. If it's raining, I get wet. If it's sunny, I sweat a lot and get wet. If it's summer the birds use me as a litter box and I get wet. Either way all I need to do is look up (carefully shielding my eyes against falling fecal matter) and I can tell what the weather is like straight away.

But that was before I found this site. Now I think I'll be checking the weather online a whole lot more often.

Marcus

The sun always shines at Humor Blogs

Don't forget to Ask me your Questions

Harry Potter and the half arsed movie

Took My Girl to see the new Potter Movie.
With that kind of magical power you'd think Harry could get someone better looking than Ginny. I mean a ginger girl. Really?

Unfortunately, the only kind of womenfolk all-knowing-genius seems to impress is chicks like my wife.

Knowledge and Magic then it seems have much in common, at least when it comes to attracting the wrong kind of woman. Except knowledge rarely gets you a cool scar.

Handheld Guru

It is not unknown for great spiritual leaders to disappear from time to time. Jesus himself disappeared for 3 days. He claimed it was because he died. Really it was just an elaborate stunt to get some time alone.
You've noticed no doubt that I went missing for a while. I'm. sure there's been much weaping and gnashing of teeth. I'd like to say it was a ploy to make you solve your own problems but I've never been much of a liar. One of the rare things Jesus does better than me. Or did rather. He has a whole army of people who lie for him now.
Rest assured I've not been avoiding you. Not much at least. I've taken the time off to try to write a book of great import: my memoirs. The world needs to know my life story - my rags to riches story - my amazing journey from a failing insurance salesman to a know-it-all, genius, world changing guru.
It's not been going well. The wife sees my time off the pole as 'family time' which means I get to do D.I.Y while she watches tv. "You can build a 15 foot pole in the garden but you can't fix that leaking shower."
The memoirs have had to go on hold. Instead I will be updating the blog on my Google phone whilst doing other unimportant things like things like walking the dog or playing with My Girl.
Your answer has returned. Start asking your questions.

A very Modern Christmas Story

T'was the night before Christmas, and on his Pole top
The Guru was thinking. He thought quite a lot
"I wonder,' said he, 'why is it that we must
Tell lies to our children come every Christmas?
For every December we tell girls and boys
That Santa is coming to bring them new toys
But tis not Santa who brings them, tis my Wife and I
So what is the reason we tell them this lie?
If it's to make sure they're not Naughty, but Nice
Why so small of a bribe for so high a price?

"For the fact is, no matter how naughty they tend
Each Christmas we go out and gleefully spend
With our credit cards armed we spoil them rotten
On toys that, come New Years, will all be forgotten.
And each Christmas day, we watch them with pride
As they unwrap their presents, then throw them aside
'I wanted the pink one, not that one in cream!'
And they fall down, and thump things, and then start to scream.
And if, as so rarely, with their toys they are happy
Do you think they thank us? Their mummies and daddies?
No! Not at all! They thank the fat guy in red
He gets the praise. We go bankrupt instead!"

The Guru, while balancing, he thought long and deep
Of his sweet little angel, in bed fast asleep
No doubt she was dreaming of jingling bells
And reindeers, and Santa, and presents as well
'Wait a Minute!' said the Guru, 'By the great Zeus, I've got it!'
And placing his hand in his back trouser pocket,
He pulled out a bill that was several sheets thick
And cried out, "I'll forward this onto Saint Nick!
I do the hard work, yet my thanks he steals
So this year, he's paying. I'll send him the Bill!"

He jumped down his pole. To the study did flee
Stuffed the bill in a envelope, "To Santa, Love me!
Merry Christmas to you, you great big fat Liar"
And, taking the letter, he threw it on the fire
It burnt in an instant. The smoke flew up the flue
And wafted to the north pole, to Santa's Igloo
The guru he smiled, He'd never felt so much glee
Cos now Santa was paying this Christmas was free.

The season passed quickly. The toys quickly broke
But the Guru cared not for he billed the fat Bloke
Come New Year and Valentines more money he spent
And all of his bills straight to Santa he sent
A new sofa, new television, a new Laptop too
A book on meditation. (Well, he was a guru...)
The charges on his credit card they grew ever higher.
The red reminders, and summons he burnt on the fire.
'Santa,' thought the Guru, 'is so much in arrears
Why the little red thief, he should pay for all year!'
And so the Guru kept spending, and he laughed on his way
For the bill was on Santa. Father Christmas would pay.

T'was the night before Christmas, and on his pole top
The guru was hiding, he hid quite a lot
They bailiffs they came and they knocked on the door
They'd taken the presents and come back for more
His TV, his Sofa, his Laptop, all gone
And his wife had left home and moved it with her mum
Someone called up from the ground down below
T'was a policeman who stood knee deep in the snow
"Seasons Greetings Mr Guru!' the policeman, he said
"I've come to arrest you, you're in too much debt."

He slapped on the cuffs, the guru fell to the floor.
And with a heartbreaking scream cried "Santa you Whore!
Every year on this planet I've brought gifts in your name
Just for one year couldn't you do the same?"
To the car the cop pushed him. On the back seat he fell
Then on the edge of his hearing - could that be sleigh bells?
He moved to the window. Pressed his nose to the glass.
And there stood St Nicholas who let out a laugh!

"Christmas is not in the money you spend,
But in the love and the laughter you share with your friends!
Not at my whim did those presents you buy
No, that was your choice, you made up that lie!`
The car engine started. He'd spend Christmas in a cell.
There'd be no Christmas cheer there. That much he could tell.
And Santa exclaimed, ere the car pulled away.
'Christmas spirit is free! If you want Presents, you Pay.'

And the Moral of this tale? The one Christmas rule?
For a very happy Christmas, just spend bugger all!

Merry Christmas to you all, From the Freelance Guru

Marcus

Keep 'em laughing this Christmas with Humor Blogs

All I want for Christmas is your questions

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• Life Wisdom - in 400 Words or Less
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Life Wisdom - in 400 Words or Less

There are times when my Pilgrims surprise me, and actually ask questions that I want to answer. This is very nearly one of them

Dear Guru

What wisdom would you wish to impart to your relatives? What is the one thing you want to tell them about the life you lived?

Canucklehead

Dear Pilgrim,

I've thought long and hard about this question. The answer didn't come easily. You asked me this question about half a year ago and it's taken me until now to finally be bothered enough to answer it.

My difficulties stemmed from one minor point - who in my family was I leaving wisdom to?; I would leave very different wisdom to my wife than my little girl. However as the wisdom I'd leave my wife involves Lincoln's Gold, I'll write about the advice to my daughter instead.

The wisdom I'd impart to my girl, and that I already try to impart to her every day, is this - 'ask Questions'. If you believe something, question the reasons you do. If you want to learn something, question an expert. Before you accept anything as true, Question it.

If my daughter were to read in the paper that her father is a pole-balancing lunatic, I would want her to question the journalists authority, and check the article wasn't written by my next door neighbour before accepting it as valid. There are many things that seem to be real until you study them closely (homeopathy, Acupuncture, George Bush's hair...etc) and it's easy to be fooled if you don't get more information.

As for the one thing I would share about my life, how long of one thing can it be? I understand the average pilgrim may be able to settle on just one thing, but I've accomplished a lot in one lifetime: becoming enlightened, giving life changing advice, managing to set up my wireless network, etc... But if I had to pick one, I would tell her that I 'Found Answers'. When people came with questions, I consulted the infinite, or sometimes Google, until an answer became clear.

As such, I gave myself to the needs of others.

There are those, mostly my wife, who would argue with this assessment of my life, but, as a guru, you need to prioritise. And personally I think the questions of a Canadian I've never met are far more important than cleaning out the Garage for our Christmas Party.

Hope this helps

Marcus

Give me another thing to share about my life. Vote for me at Humor Blogs

Questions are my bread and my butter. Ask Your Questions and help keep food on my pole top

Recent posts
• Is Life a Race?
• The Miraculous Demise of my Boiler
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Is Life a Race?

Xander, who is rapidly becoming my biggest fan, has written in with this question. I've never seen anyone who so needs my help.

Dear Guru

Is Life a race?

Xander101

To answer this question we must first consider what a race is.

To clarify:
A race is a sporting event, often done for fun, in which any number of people, starting at the same place and point in time attempt to run the same distance in the quickest possible time.

If this is accurate (and it is, it came from me) then life can only be defined as a race if it fits this definition. If A=C and B=C then A=B, not that that relates to the question, I just think it's neat.

If life were a race then everyone would be born at precisely the same time with exactly the same Financial status, political views, social class and general intelligence as everyone else. And we would all be desperately, and joyfully, trying to die before anyone else does

While I can see certain places in the world where this philosophy may come in useful, Essex for example, it does not seem to be the status Quo, and we must conclude that the null hypothesis is the correct one.

Life is not a race.

I tend to think of life as a slow, intense, wrestling match, something like Foxy Boxing - no matter how hard you fight to win, every one ends up dirty

Marcus

On your Marks, get Set, and Go rate me at Humor Blogs

Ask me your questions and you might just get ahead

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• The Miraculous Demise of my Boiler
• The Curse Of QVC
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The Miraculous Demise of my Boiler

This morning I experienced a miracle

My boiler had broken the night before. Instead of a roaring flame of heat, it provided a little red light.

Being the solutions man I am, I had an idea. According to the laws of thermodynamics electrical work produces heat - if we gathered around the red light we could warm ourselves from it's glow. My wife went to bed -- obviously she doesn't have much faith in the laws of physics -- but as it would be our first 'early night' in a long time I jumped at the chance. Or, to be accurate, I shivered at the chance and followed her to the bedroom.

Unfortunately her intentions were somewhat different to mine. Keeping all her clothes on, she lay under the Duvet and muttered that 'I couldn't even keep my family warm', as if it was my fault the boiler had broken. I pointed out that she hadn't reminded me to get it serviced, but that just seemed to make things worse. She rolled angrily away, taking most of the duvet with her and left me shivering on my own. I curled into the fetal position, and burying my head in my knees, I started to pray.

Now, I'm not religious; I gave religion up when I realised Jehovah was just a hammer-less version of Thor. But that night, lying in my bed, shivering like a vibrating toothbrush, I prayed for that it might not be so cold in the morning. 'For God's sake,' I said, 'let the bloody boiler be working tomorrow.'

As soon as it was said I realised how daft it was. "My God" is but one of a thousand. Who's to say that the Muslims aren't right, or the Hindus, or the small sect of Savages that worship Magic Wooden Aeroplanes? What if I was praying to a God that wasn't the real one. I tried again.

'Dear Jehovah, Allah, Buddha, Zeus, Thor, Vishnu and all his friends. Dear Hallowed Flying Spaghetti Monster, Ra, Great and Divine Goddess, the holy and almighty Lucifer, and all the Gods with names I can't pronounce. Dear Mother Nature, Dear Holy Spirit, Dear Gia, Dear Blessed Virgin Mary and the saints, Dear Obi Wan,

I beseech thee.Rescue me from these cold, dark times. Please, If any of you exist, make my boiler work in the morning.

Yours in anticipation. Marcus.'

The next morning, after dreaming all night that my underpants were made out of ice cubes, I launched myself into the arctic conditions of my front room and flicked on the boiler.

And that was when the miracle occurred.

The boiler still didn't work.

I had prayed to every god, spirit, and force in existence and not a single one of them had answered my prayer. The odd's of being ignored by that many deities must be thousands to one, an occurrence so unlikely it could only have been caused by some supernatural being that wished me to remain an Atheist. I gave a short prayer of thanks to Richard Dawkins, then telephoned a plumber. After all, Gods help those who help themselves.

But now as I sit here and wait for the plumber to arrive (between the hours of 8-6, some point before Summer) I realise there are in fact, 2 rather simple ways to explain away my miracle. Either there is no such thing as 'God' in any form. Or every god in existence wants me to be cold.

Either way you look at, it's a chilling thought.

Marcus

Hot and Cold Humour can be found at Humor Blogs

The Guru Has all the Answers

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Quite Valuable Crap

I love each and every one of my Pilgrims, but sometimes I do worry about what they get up to in their free time.

Dear Guru,

The other day my boyfriend and I were flicking between channels when we found one selling cheap, chintzy jewellery at the incredibly low price of £49.99. An hour later we were still watching.

What is this magical effect that Sales TV possesses? Please help, my credit card can't take much more.

Xander101

I don't watch much TV but my Little Girl is obsessed with it; every Saturday morning we have to watch Spongebob Squarepants and anything with pants that square can not be a good role model for our children.

My wife, on the other hand, likes the soap-operas; her 'only escape from a dreary life.' I pointed out that if her life were a soap opera it would be nothing but Lust, violence, and Murder. She responded thant whenever she looks at me she like one of each. Sometimes that women is beyond me.

'Sales TV' itself isn't watched in our house. I blocked it when I received credit card charges from 'Entertainment Enterprises.' These turned out to be charges from a web-site my wife doesn't know about, but I kept the bar on anyway. Prevention is better than debt. To research this post however I was forced to remove it. It's a mistake I wont be making again.

Sales TV is magic. It makes you suspend belief. You know a Rolex watch shouldn't be that cheap, you know there must be some hideous catch, you know it will turn your arm green within half a day, but you want to believe.

The format is hypnotic, the shots short, quick, shiny. A close up, a mid-shot, a wide shot next to a close up. It makes you feel dizzy. It dazzles you with bright colours; jewellery so sparkly even thinking about wearing it could get you mugged. The presenters talk rhythmically, repeating words over, and over again. Your Pulse quickens. Your body tenses. You can't possibly change channel. The next item might just be the one you've been waiting your whole life for. Demand is high. Those diamonte encrusted rubber gloves will all be gone soon. You have to call now.

I put the bar back on the shopping channel. What with the complete collection of nodding biblical figures now crowding up the top of my pole, I won't need any more 'bargains' for some time.

Whatever is that Sales TV does, it's very, very good at it.

Marcus

All your useless bling can be found at Humour Blogs

Give me your questions! They will keep away from the TV for a while,

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2,000 words a day is enough words for anyone

So by now you probably think I'm ignoring you, that I decided to end my Guru ways and take up a 9-5 job like the rest of you ignorant pilgrims. I did consider it. It thought about going into the private guru business and ignoring the poor-paying, unwashed public sector of the pilgrim market, but as most private sector workers are already in counselling the competition was too high. Besides, I can write whatever I like here, and no-one cares, as no-one actually reads this blog. (To prove it. I'll write the word 'balls' right here and see if anyone even bothers to complain.)

The main reason I've been away for the last month is NaNoWriMo (or National Novel Writing Month for short.) During the month of November, thousands of people around the world attempt to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days in a crazy, and largely pointless endeavour. I think people less enlightened than me do it to say they achieved something with their life, even if that something is a 50,000 word ramble about how fed the author is with writing. I did it just to get away from my wife.

My story was, of course, perfect, and will be coming out in a bookstore near you just as soon as I get a ghost writer to re-write the whole thing. While most participants wrote about Vampires or spaceships, (or vampires in spaceships) I wrote about my childhood, but as I wrote about a happy, joyful childhood, full of fun and laughter it was largely a fictional work and thus didn't break the Rules.

Either way, after spending a month writing 2,000 words a day I feel I can comfortably spend a bit more time updating this blog, especially as I need something to pass the time in-between bouts of enlightenment. And so I'm coming back to you with my finger-tips blazing, my humour burning, and my incredibly wise head weighing me down with all the wisdom and knowledge it has to share with you, such as 'Why is it so much fun to watch sales TV?' and 'What should you consider before taking media Studies?'

Watch this space :- You're about to be rocked by Knowledge.

Marcus

It's not as clever, but it's probably more funny. Check out Humor Blogs

That question no-one has ever answered will be answered here

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Does a bear sh*t in it's sleep?

As my fame spreads and my life becomes more hectic, a reader has written to try and grab my attention...

Dear Guru
Animals in hibernation - do they get up to go to the loo or not? If not, how is that possible?

PS: you haven't written in a while had to ask something :)

Dear Pilgrim

Hibernation, like Sex, is something that everyone does differently. If you put a squirrel and a Black bear in the same bed, not only would there be a fight for the Duvet, they'd keep each other awake all winter. And, as in sex, if the bear ends up on top, things just gets messy.

Hibernation is evolution at it's finest. Rather than tackle winter head on, like an ignorant human being, hibernating animals say, 'screw that', or would if they could talk, and sleep through winter instead. If humans could do this not only could we could save a fortune in insulation and clothing, we'd never have had to invent 'Winter Sports'.

To answer your question, smaller mammals, such as squirrels and shrews do go to loo during hibernation. They enter an extreme state of relaxation, dropping their body temperature to as low as -2°C. However, they can't survive this way for too long, and so, like an elderly man, or a horny teenage boy, find themselves getting up several times a night. Every few days, small mammels come out of hibernation to eat, excrete and watch TV, and any naturalist who stumbles into their burrow tends to find the rodents have fallen asleep whilst watching re-runs of Miss Marple.

Bears, however, do things differently. Before they go into hibernation they swallow pine cones, hair and bucket loads of stool hardeners, all of which work together to form a makeshift butt Plug. With this cork in place the bear curls up to sleep, slowing it's metabolism and dropping its body temperature by around 10 ° C. This allows it to sleep for up to 7 months without needing to defecate, urinate, or fight over the bedsheets. Often, it spends all winter in one position, living off it's own fat and muscle until springtime

To summarize; at least in the wintertime, bears do not Sh*t in the woods. By eating nothing and corking their colon, they spend the season in a constant state of constipation.

You can just imagine the queue for the toilets come spring.

Hope this helps

Marcus

This blog relies on your questions. Ask the Guru today!

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Astrologers Vs Skeptics - The Guru Decides

The Friendly Atheist is struggling to be friendly recently, over an ongoing debate with Astrologer Beth Turnage, who wrote a full review on the astrological reasons that David Foster Williams killed himself.

Now, as my Pilgrims know, I don't like a fight unless I'm involved in it, so I e-mailed Beth with a challenge.

I've been following your skeptic debate and would like to offer you a chance to prove your case. It would be very easy to silence the skeptics. In fact I can think of 2 ways for you to do it right now.

1) Successfully predict something.
If you can show that astrology actually can tell the future with a better than chance outcome than not only will the skeptics stop criticizing you but the scientific movement will be desperate to know you!

2) Do an accurate personality profile
Construct a personality profile for me which I can open up to honest review. If there are more hits than misses than possible by chance then people will have to agree this deserves a closer look.

It’s clear that you believe astrology is getting a bad rap from these people, and also clear that you strongly believe in it.
It would by very easy to prove it to the doubters.

Beth, keen for the challenge, posted her reply a few days after my E-mail. Nothing like the scientific method to rouse people into action it seems!

Firstly, in response to my challenge to predict something successfully she wrote

Successfully predict something? Already have and very publicly at that in these pieces:

• November 8, 2007 Angelina Pregnant, You Heard It Here First
• January 24, 2008 John McCain: Presumptive Front Runner?
• January 29, 2008 Superbowl Sunday–Who is Likely to Win?

Unfortunately, as I didn't say, "show me a time when you listened to rumor and claimed it as truth," this doesn't really answer my question. What I asked for was for a future prediction, instead she gave me 3 articles, that just happened to have turned out correct, out of the 100's on her site.

"I do have more hits than misses," she writes. Well, so do I, mostly because my wife yells at me when I make the seat wet. The difference between you and me is that every time I miss I keep a record of it (or rather my wife does and uses it against me at a later date). Where is your record? Show me your ratio of hits vs misses. This would be very easy to do, and very compelling evidence!

However, showing me an 'prediction' for Superbowl Sunday that sounds like every other Bookies prediction doesn't prove your point, even if you do mention a 'T-square configuration.' Personally, I thought you only got them on English Motorways

Finally on this point, we don't know if these articles have been edited since first release. Blogs are constantly updated, and old posts corrected, hence why I asked for a new prediction. This should be quite easy for an expert like you. Even I can do it I predict you will say that this post is closed-minded rubbish..

However, I'm not closed minded, I just seek evidence that can stand up to scrutiny. When you have a 6 year old child in the house you learn to question everything, like how the bathroom sink managed to overflow all on it's own, and all I'm doing is applying the same method to the claims you make.

In response to my second request, my personal profile, Beth writes

Do a successful personality profile? Well yes, I done that too. But doing yours I’m afraid wouldn’t silence the skeptics because they will tell you that you and your family will be subject to all sorts of the ‘manipulative techniques’ that us astrologers have in our bag of tricks.

Shame, I was hoping for a free Natal chart...

Fortunately, I have printed a personality analysis of the D. C. Madam, Deborah Jean Palfry, which was done without speaking or knowing about her in this piece:
D. C. Madam Suicide and Astrology: Was Death Written in the Stars?

See, here's the thing. I don't really speak, or know Sarah Palin, but if she was to commit suicide tomorrow (here's hoping) I'm pretty sure I could make a fair assessment of her character and personality. People who are always in the news tend to sink into our consciousness whether we like it or not. It's also somewhat hard to believe that Beth knew nothing about Deborah when her astrological Profile contains quotes from Deborah's Family.

So, despite this compelling evidence, I remain unconvinced. It's not that I doubt Beth truly believes, I just don't think this evidence backs up her claim. Most of my pilgrims believe in something stupid, like Ghosts, Psychics or Jesus Christ, and none of their beliefs ever hold up to testing. Beth, I'm afraid, will not be treated any differently, no matter how many times she uses the word Uranus in her posts.

But what do you think? Has Beth actually proven her case? Am I being too Harsh? Has she managed to outsmart the Freelance Guru?

Comment and let me know.

Marcus

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Seven Ways to Locate your Lover

September. The summer holidays are over and as the traffic begins to multiply exponentially, one reader has asked me a question about her 'back to school' experience.

Dear Guru

Will I get a boyfriend at High School

Issy

Dear Pilgrim.

I am not fond of Divination. For one thing, peering into the future involves dabbling with things mankind is not meant to know, and for another, it's a complete load of rubbish. However, with such a future based question, I had no choice but to consult the Oracles of my youth. And as the answer Playboy gave me didn't seem appropriate, I turned to the I-Ching instead.

Wu-Wang
Under heaven is the thunder
People mix in innocence without any Problem
The ancient kings accordingly fed the innumerable orphans with harvest of the season.

As far as I can tell, this means that by embracing your innocence you will lose it when a man called Oldking feeds his seed to you. Eastern mysticism is so very beautiful.

While I somewhat doubt the accuracy of this reading, there are some things you can do to increase your chances of finding love this year.

1. Get a boyfriend.
   Any one will do. According to Murphy's law people only start to show interest in you when you are unavailable. Take yourself off the market and demand for you will rise.
   
   
2. Turn Gay
   Has the same outcome as getting a boyfriend, with the added benefit that men want to date you so they can watch.
   
   
3. Love Yourself
   This is essential for any young person seeking love. Only when you love yourself can you allow someone else to love you. And when they do you're be able to show them where to put their fingers for best results.
   
   
4. Study Grease
   When Sandy wanted her guy she didn't sit around waiting for him. She went out and got him, changing her entire personality along the way. With this technique, and some dance moves from the 50's, boys will find you irresistible.
   
   
5. Copy the Popular Girls
   Who are the girls in your school that the guys fall for? The girls that have a 15 month waiting list and their names written on the boys bathroom door (normally followed by 'is a slut')? Obviously these are the kind of women the boys want, for so it can't hurt to model yourself on them.
   
   
6. Find Mr Right Now
   Most people believe that there is only 1 person for them. However if this were true then the odds of finding your true love would be around 1 in 6 billion and marriage counsellors would have a hard time getting clients. Everyone has just has many flaws as everyone else. Just make sure your guy has the right strengths for you, such as knowing where to put his fingers without your help, and work on the rest from there.
   
   
7. Ignore everything on this list
   Love is one of those annoying things that tends to up when your least looking for it, or, in my case, when you're trying to get the bathroom. Acting desperate only works for suburban housewives and drunk gay men. If you can start this year being happy alone, then you're more likely to end it being happy as part of a duo. And, worst comes to worst, at least you won't have anyone stealing the duvet covers from you.
   

Finally, I'm sure as well that my pilgrims have some more sensible ideas and will leave them in the comments to this post, so it will be worth looking there to see what they have to say.

Hope this helps

Marcus

Love, of a certain kind, lives at Humor Blogs

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Why does it always rain on us?

As most of my Pilgrims 's are unemployed they have a lot of time to stare out the window and think.

Xander was looking out the window the other day and decided to ask me this question.

Why is it that when it's hot it's too hot and when it's cold, it's too cold. Why are we never happy?

Xander

In fact, this happens less often than you may Imagine. Around the word there is only a small number of countries that complain about the weather, and you can probably guess which one does it the most.

A Google search for "weather Complain" results in a whole first page devoted to pages ending .co.uk. Considering there are 5 times as many .com pages on the web than .co.uk ones this is quite an achievement. in fact pitting "moan weather .co.uk" against "moan weather .com" comes in at 5 to 2. Britain is a nation of moaners, and I don't, unfortunately, mean that in a good way.

(Although doing a Google Search for the term "Guru Is Stupid" comes in with 2,590,000 results, so I'm not sure how reliable this method is...)

It makes you wonder what exactly it is we Brits have to moan about. It may be that our weather is unpredictable but on a global scale, it is remarkably boring. We don't often have to contend with blizzards or tornado's, even a 'strong storm' is a rarity. It's not even like our weather is unique. The weather is just as interesting in France and Germany and they don't moan about it half as much as we do. In fact human beings are highly advanced at Thermoregulation, and in all due theory, should feel comfortable no matter what the heat outside.

So why do we spend so much time criticizing the weatherman?

Xander asked me a question before about why his workmates great him by saying 'alright?' and the answer to both his questions is the same. The English moan about the weather as way of opening conversation. It is a safe topic of conversation that is unlikely to cause offense, and very unlikely to result in a serious conversation that would require the anyone to actually put any effort in. The rules on weather conversation are actually quite clear. If it's sunny it's too hot, If it's chilly it's too cold, if it's raining they'll be floods tomorrow and if it's snowing they'll be traffic jams and 3 foot of snow by the morning. If anyone ever dared to say that actually they rather like it when it's raining their fellow conversationalists would be so confused they would most likely stand there fumbling for a while before finally excusing themselves to go find someone more sane to chat too.

As such English moan about the weather as a way of shaking hands with each other. A simple statement that everyone can agree with, no-one has to think about, and has almost no possibility of accidentally becoming a serious question.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

Every day is a sunny day at Humor Blogs

This blog exists because of your questions. Ask your questions and help this worthy cause.

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E.T. Phones Home: Farmer annoyed in Morning

It astounds me that the Human Race, not content with having ruined its own planet, deeply wants to believe that there is another species out there ruining its own.

In fact we believe it so badly that often we are willing to take the feeblest things as proof, many of which I'm sure you'll tell me about in the comments.

Take Crop Circles. Here we have a complex form of UFO communication which is completely incomprehensible to humans, making the whole thing something of a worthless venture. You would think that any race clever enough to fly the interstellar distances to Earth and create complex patterns in the fields of Cornwall would also be clever enough to have learnt English. Or at least French. But instead they communicate in complex, geometric, apparently meaningless patterns, which just happen to look very much like they were created with a piece of wood and a bit of string, and mostly serve the purpose of Irritating Farmers.

Furthermore, logic dictates that any race advanced enough to travel to earth would either be completely adept at hiding themselves or would have made bloody sure that we knew they existed by now. Instead all they do is create a few lights in the sky which look remarkably like Airplanes, make a few cows die unexpectedly, or fulfill the anally obsessed sexual fantasies of insane people. What is it with Aliens and Anal Probes anyway? How much can you actually learn by the use of entroscopy?

But of course, as any true believer knows, Aliens have given us proof of their existence multiple times. But the world Governments keep covering it up. The Government, the same people who managed to leave a top secret terrorist document on the train, and leaked Private information about it's Veterans, have somehow managed to effect a worldwide cover up, silencing thousands of witness, hiding evidence in the top-secret, yet strangely well known, Area 51, and convincing the Aliens to keep hush-hush from now on. There are some reasons to believe this, it nicely explains the US Deficit for example, however, it is also believed that George Bush is secretly a member of Mensa and simply plays dumb to appeal to the American Voter. I leave my Pilgrims to decide for themselves, although I realise that may result in most of you making the wrong decision.

The few aliens that are out there are probably not in the habit of taking day trips to our humble planet just to probe some hicks, scare a few cows, ruin some fields and speed off before anyone can get a decent photograph. There are already people on these planets that do all these things, they're called tourists. And for now at least, they're more than enough for the world to cope with, without needing to invent space tourists as well.

What kind of evidence would you need to make you believe in Aliens? Comment and let me know!

Marcus

Read part 1 of this article on Extra Terrestrial Beings
All Crop Circles lead to Humor Blogs

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Coming out

The day my Most Exalted Calling was revealed to me I ran all the way home. Having wasted my life in the office, I abandoned it at once, and sprinting home to my wife, hugged her till her feet left the floor.

"I have found the light!" I declared, "I have discovered truth and foreseen my Destiny! I have found Salvation"

I held her in my arms and in that moment our souls became one, our love binding us together, our minds melding as one. A reverend silence reverberated throughout the universe as we lost ourselves in each other’s eyes. It was a single moment of perfection that seemed to last forever.

Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime of awed silence, she spoke.
"You stink!” she said, pushing me away. “And what are you doing home so early?”
This, I will be honest, was not the response I was hoping for, but nonetheless, I rallied on.
"I quit my job!”
This, it seemed, came as a surprise. “What?” she said, a flurry of emotions fighting for space on her beautiful face.
“I was wasting my life there. A greater calling has been given me, one no office can fulfil!" I delivered the line flawlessly having practiced it all the way home.. Sir Ian McKellen would have been proud of me.
My wife’s performance however, was somewhat less elegant.
"You’re fucking kidding me right?"
"No!" I drew her back towards me, "I am chosen! I am blessed! I will teach the world the folly of its ways!"
"Are you crazy?" She broke my embrace again, "You quit your bloody job!"
"I..." For some reason she wasn't taking this as well as I'd hoped, "I have no need for the world of 9 to 5! My world is one of infinite possibility. I am free. My Destiny is written. My ‘job’ is to change the world! "
"So you quit your job?"
“I...I...”
I stuttered to a halt, my rhetoric faltering in her merciless onslaught.
“Look,” I said, taking her hands in mine and sighing deeply, "You seem to be missing the point here...."

6 days later she finally gave up caring.

I still find wonder if she understands the decisions I made on that blesséd day. Sometimes, when I head to my pole, she turns her back on me and mutters to herself. You would think that as a successful Guru, with over 50 followers, she would be proud of me. But instead she simply worries about the overdue Gas Bill or where My Little Girl’s next meal will come from. Sometimes, I worry she has no clue of the things in life that are truly important.

The life of the prophet is always a life of struggle. And for some reason however, my family isn’t willing to struggle along with me....

Marcus

Make my wife proud by becoming one of my Pilgrims! Subscribe to my feed, never miss any of my wisdom, and maybe, just maybe, my wife will start talking to me again....

Humor Blogs always understands

Coming up next time... Part 2 of the truth about Aliens

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