Airport Security

Because the wife has decided we aren't bonding as a family recently she's taking My Little Girl and I to Disneyworld. God knows where she got the money from; it certainly didn't come from me - all of my Giro goes on Guru expenses. Obviously her illegal day care centre is growing in popularity. It's certainly messing the house p more than it used to. I mean, honestly, the woman stays at home all day, you'd think she could at least tidy up as a bit.

As the Man of the household it's apparently my job to pack the suitcase.

Airports are crazy about safety at the moment, scanning your bags, your toothpaste, your il etc and I have enough trouble with the police force as it is. There's something about a man up a pole that makes people nervous, and the local constabulary still visit every other month to check that I haven't built a bomb yet.

So the last thing I want to do is put something in our suitcase I'm not supposed to. I'm flying to America after all, the home of terrorism, and the cute little colour scheme they have to let the terrorists know when it's safe to attack. So I've been reviewing the latest guidelines for airport security and here are some of the things you are not allowed in your luggage.

1. Tweezers
   Because I don't know about you but there's no better way of passing time on a long haul flight than by styling my eyebrows


2. Knitting needles
   "Take this plane to Washington, or I'll make you wear this itchy sweater."


3. Billiard, snooker or pool cues
   Not for any saftey reason, but the stewedess get bored of being prodded by them.


4. Catapults
   Dennis the Menace takes down a boeing 747


5. Darts
   50 points if you can hit the air marshall


6. Poisons, arsenic, cyanide, weedkiller
   I'm not even allowed this in the hold. Surely if I want to destroy some weeds, or kill somebody when I land that's my business?


7. Wet car cell batteries
   But how will I power my mobile phone?


8. Radioactive materials
   But I never go anywhere without my uranium 232


9. Flammable liquids and solids
   So no deodrant, hairspray, clothing...


10. Infectious substances
    So you're telling me I can't take this plague carrying rat to the Americas?


11. Magnetrons
    The other X-men characters are allowed however


12. Organic peroxides
    If you don't do what I say right now everyone on this plane ends up looking like Eminem


13. Tools Toy/replica guns (metal or plastic)
    Real guns however don't appear to be a problem.

Marcus

Why is White the Colour of Death to the Chinese?

This blog is up for a best of blog awards. Please help me avoid coming in last by voting for me everyday until further notice. Thank you.

Dear Guru

Why is white the color of death to the Chinese? It's a real pain in my arse. One time I gave Poor George this very pretty white scented candle and he just about had a fit. "You never give something white to a Chinese person!" he proclaimed.

Coaster Punchman

I don't want to be responsible for strengthening your relationship, but have you tried just asking him why? I understand your reluctance if not however. If he's freaked out by a candle who's to say how he'll react when you question his heritage. No matter how much your cat pictures annoy me I wouldn't wish murder on anyone.

As a species superstition is built into us as a survival instinct. If a tiger rips our heads off we learn, pretty quickly, that tiger's are bad and invent the spear. But this can also misfire. For example, if one person buys a rabbit's foot and has a stroke of luck, the mind links the two together. The end result is a lot of unlucky, slightly poorer people and a boom in the Bunny wheelchair trade. Even worse than this we can't accept this life is all there so we invent things to make life more exciting. That’s why, for example, when 2000 years ago an unwed teenage mother had an unplanned pregnancy and blamed it on God, she became famous enough to appear in oil stains and cooked bread. Thankfully, those who've reached guru status know that all superstitions are foolish. Except those about Nirvana, black cats and Richard Gere.

Regarding Poor Georges Chromataphobia, it is entirely possible it is unique to him. Maybe his mother suffered from a cleanliness OCD and kept the house spotless. As white shows dust without mercy it would have been contraband, and so he was trained, as a child, to fear white. Not knowing any different he would naturally assume that all Chinese people felt the same way. All of our religions have been spread in a similar way. Or it could be that some lover of white in his town was blighted by misfortune. The brain links, the rumours spread and before you know it sales of Daz plummet.

The fear of white does seem to be documented however, albeit very sparsely, so we can assume Poor George is not alone in this delusion. Perhaps the great firewall of China has prevented the western world from discovering the true extent of the superstition, indeed no-one seems to be sure why these phobia exists but the most likely reason white is associated with death is due to the white cloth used to enshroud corpses, the pale skin of a dead person, and the stark whiteness of bones and skeletons.

In the Western world we bury our dead in sombre coloured dress suits and don't have a habit of looking at skeletons for entertainment, so we associate black with death instead.

In short though, we may never be certain why the Chinese fear the colour white until the Aliens that founded the human race come back and explain themselves. And as this won't happen till 2012 (as everyone knows) we've still got a while to wait.

And to be honest, surly any American citizen would be horrified if you offered them something white after labour day.

Marcus

Ask me your Questions! You may even get Answers

You may also Enjoy...
• 9 Reasons to fear 2012
  
• 10 Steps to Greater Self Confidence
  
• Why am I obsessed with Chavs?
  

10 steps to greater Self Confidence.

Dear Guru,

How can I get more self confident

Juliane

Dear Pilgrim.

I feel your pain. We've all faced hard times; when our get up and go gets up and goes; when we feel worthless and pointless and it seems no-one loves us, when we feel completely alone, stuck on my pole, isolated & misunderstood, no-one caring if I live or die; as if I might as well kill myself in the morning and....

Sorry. Excuse me a second. [....]

As I was saying, we've all had our self esteem fail us. My self confidence suffered terribly when I was a salesmen. You might find it hard to believe, given that I'm naturally suave and sophisticated, but selling is not my forte, and my failure to hit targets drove me into depression, to the point where it was a relief to come home to wife at the end of every day! My sales did improve briefly near the end of my employment but only because I cried so much people brought my policies out of pity.

Finally, I saw the light and spent several minutes researching how to improve my self-confidence, sourcing the whole of the World Wide Web to find the best techniques, and thus became the amazing person I am now. And here, for the first time, I will share these tips with you.

10 ways to increase your Self Confidence

1. Use the NLP Swish to change your negative self-images with confident ones. This amazing technique can also bring about inner calm, personal successes and World peace.


2. Surround yourself with ugly people.


3. Make the voices in your head sound like someone you hate. That way you'll feel really good telling them to 'Shut the f*** up!'


4. Love yourself. But I'd suggest refraining from doing so in public.


5. Join a low self-esteem club. Surrounding yourself with people who continuously put themselves down will make you feel great in comparison.


6. Take small, slightly illegal, risks everyday. Nothing boosts your self-confidence like a spell in prison.


7. Exercise. This won't help your self confidence, I just think you could just stand to lose a few pounds.


8. Find a highly confident, successful, superior and generally amazing mentor to guide you to confidence. My prices start at $100 an hour.


9. Prevent negative thoughts by sticking your fingers in your ears and singing loudly. This will also keep people away from you as you'll look a bit Buddha.


10. And finally, get your mirrors Gaussian Blurred.
    

Hope this helps.

Marcus

P.S. Research shows that daily laughter increases your self confidence. If so Humor Blogs is the cheapest therapy around.

The Freelance Guru is up for a best of blogs award! Please Vote for Me, everyday, until the best blog wins. (Hint: the best blog is mine)

Ask me your Questions. I'll tell you no lies

• How can I cure my Chav Obsession?
  
• Can I have your wisdom teeth?
  
• What the devil are you doing up a pole?