And that's the Tooth...

Dear Guru,
I am in the most desperate of situations and wish to seek your wisdom. My dentist has just told me that he needs to extract my wisdom teeth. Can I have yours please?

TomtheTwit

I've never been asked to give anybody a body part before. Well, except for that, and even then not very often. My wife is more the giving type, giveing love, hugs and occasional tips on how to improve myself. I've certainly never been asked to give a bone fragment. Either way, my purpose is to share wisdom, not Teeth, and as such I must decline.

Wisdom teeth are so called because they come in later in life, presumably when the grower is wiser. This was certainly true in my case, I didn’t become wise until I started listening to Luke, my toy snake. It’s amazing how much a man grows up when he stops playing around with his snake and takes it seriously instead.

Personally, I’ve never had any teeth out, wisdom or otherwise. The wife drags us to the dentist every six months, stating it’s for the Girl’s sake; she’s worse than a politician with that - anytime she wants something she'll make believe we’re doing it ‘for the children.’

The dentist always praises my teeth. Obviously the hours I spend panic brushing beforehand do their job. The Wife however always has something wrong, her teeth are so full of fillings now that the local thieves keep trying to steal them for scrap metal, and last time we went to the dentist she had to have 4 extractions. I took a whole day off from meditation just to carry her home and watch her bleed all over the couch.

I did get some fun out of it though. With her mouth too sore to eat she needed liquid food supplements instead. I’ll never quite forget the look she gave me when I mentioned quite loudly in the queue at Boots that she’d ‘forgotten to buy her Slimfast.’

Of course there are some benefits to having your wisdom teeth removed. For example, identify you from your dental records should you be killed in a plane crash. And according to rumour it makes you better at performing the act of Fellatio. Personally, I haven’t had a chance to test this, the wife spends most of her time around the neighbour’s house nowadays, but it might please you to know there are benefits to the painful extraction you are about to face, especially if you’re relatively flexible.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

All your Questions are belonging to me.

• What the Devil am I doing up a Pole?
  
• Why the hell do we say Dawg?
  
• How can I make it big in journalism
  

What The Devil Am I Doing Up A Pole?

Dear Guru

Okay, there's something you can enlighten me as to ... how does a man balance atop a pole for eight hours while still managing to think clearly? Nothing for nothing there, Mr. Freelance, but it's got to be pretty uncomfortable sitting up there in that position for that long? How does one achieve enlightenment without becoming impaled?

Inquiring minds wanna know!

Linda

I haven't actually 'balanced' for some time now. You may feel I’ve been lying to you, but that’s not true. Gurus never lie, they're annoyingly honest. We tell the whole truth to everyone. We can’t help it. Cheating husbands learn to stop their wives walking past us just incase.

There was a time when, a new naive guru, I did try to balance. I made it is as easy as possible. Many Gurus balance on flagpoles; I decided to balance on a telegraph pole instead.

But installing a telegraph pole in my back garden was no easy matter what with planning permission and architectural blueprints, not to mention the interior decorator. It took two cranes to hammer the pole into the ground, and by the time it was complete the neighbours had reported me as a public disturbance, although they claimed the noise had nothing to do with it.

When the pole was finally erected, which took 5 weeks for some reason, I grabbed Luke, my snake, and climbed its heights. Believing balancing to be an aid to meditation, I took a deep breath, enjoying the purer air, and raised my leg into the stance of the flying crane. I later learned this stance should only be attempted by professionals after years of training. And even then it should never be performed up a pole on a Blustery day.

Well no-one needs to tell me twice and, after 3 or 4 more attempts and several hospital stays, I installed a platform at the pole’s top, a job that required 4 men, 9 days and 54 unionised tea breaks.

I climbed onto my safer platform and stepped into my Tai Chi Kata. From the fighting monkey stance, I leaned forward into a punch slipping over on some bird mess on the way. It was probably the most dramatic Tai Chi Kata ever performed.

My wife asked me to stop balancing after that; it was ruining her lawn.

And so nowadays I sit. The pole, I’ve discovered, is the important thing. What you do at the top of it can be left between a Guru and his Snake.

Hope this helps

Marcus

Things that make you go 'hmm?' The Guru has the answer.

• What is the origin of 'Dawg'
  
• How can I make it big in journalism?
  
• Why do birds always poop on my car?
  

The Origins of Dawg

Dear Guru

What's the origins of the American male usage of "dawg".

Wassup dawg, you're my dawg, yeah, dawg...

Ally

I thought that this was obvious.

The word was invented by Randy of American Idol fame as a way of making the millions of viewers, all of whom have IQs that can be measured on the rictor scale, think he was cool.

Legend has it that he thought of the idea when listening to a dog howl outside his mansion in the night. The misguided judge was so impressed by the off-key intonation that he gave the dawg it's own moniker.

To this day the word dawg is used to refer to someone who is cool, sings off key, and hasn't had a bath in a month.

Marcus

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• Can I make it big in Journalism?
  
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